


31 Days of RWBY Halloween

by sentinel28II



Category: RWBY
Genre: All work and no play make Ruby a dull girl, Blake loves smut, Chestbursters are funny, Cinder bakes cakes, Comedy, Comedy Horror, Comedy of Errors, Dark Comedy, Don't mess with Mama Belladonna, Drunken horror, Frankenpenny, Ghost Pyrrha, Ghosts, Hail to the Queen Baby, Horror, It's coming to get you Blake, Jaune sees dead people, Let's All Chant, Never watch unmarked VHS tapes, Ruby can BFF anyone, Salem never gets a break, Self-insertion character, Sense a trend?, Shapeshifters - Freeform, Sharks, Teenagers making out, Temporary Character Death, Tentacles, Vagina Dentata, Vampires, Who ya gonna call?, Yang daydreams a lot, Yang's Metal Arm, Zombies, evil clowns, machetes, puns, the thing - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:28:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 48,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26746645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentinel28II/pseuds/sentinel28II
Summary: 31 days in the month of October.  31 stories of RWBY characters confronting their greatest fears.  31 stories of RWBY characters fighting for their lives.  31 stories of grim fates.Just kidding.  It's actually 31 stories of RWBY characters being thrown into horror movie plots because Halloween.  SEE! Ruby fight Freddy! HEAR! The screams of Godzilla as it attacks Vale! TASTE! The bitter disappointment of Salem being put into yet another bad fanfic! FEEL! Laughs galore!  REVIEW! Because that makes the author feel better about his life choices!
Relationships: Blake Belladonna/Yang Xiao Long, Jaune Arc/Pyrrha Nikos, Jaune Arc/Weiss Schnee, Lie Ren/Nora Valkyrie, Mercury Black/Emerald Sustrai, Neopolitan/Roman Torchwick, Summer Rose/Taiyang Xiao Long
Comments: 93
Kudos: 71





	1. Salem's Final Destination

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, it's that nut Sentinel again, back with more RWBY hilarity and wholesome family entertainment. Many moons ago, when the buffalo roamed the plains and I was still in college, I wrote a fanfic about the Inu-Yasha cast ending up in various horror movies, centered around the main theme of Kagura accidentally causing a zombie apocalypse. Sitting around one night not too many moons ago, I thought about doing the same thing with the cast of RWBY, but this time, trying to write 31 chapters of the story--one for every day of October!
> 
> Now I don't know if I can actually do that, but I'm going to try. For those of you who are fans of my other works--"On RWBY Wings" and "Love Hurts"--don't worry too much. I won't be neglecting "RWBY Wings," and I'll still be writing that on schedule. "Love Hurts" will take a bit of a hiatus, though I might do a chapter here and there; it'll resume in November--just in time for real RWBY to begin again and generate all kinds of ideas. Unlike "Love Hurts," I won't be taking reader requests on this story. I've actually mapped out summaries of all 31 stories to be written, and what movie plots I'm steali--er, borrowing.
> 
> Now let's have some scary, silly, stupid fun.

Salem was having a bad day. 

One could make the case that being an immortal witch meant that _every_ day was a bad day, but Salem did actually have good days. This wasn’t one of them. She lay slumped in her throne in the great hall of Evernight Castle, arms dangling over the side, bare feet up on the table. She considered several courses of action—going to create Grimm, unleashing Seer Grimm on someone, tormenting Hazel, or getting drunk—but all of those required getting up. And she didn’t really feel like getting up today. _Especially_ today. 

The doors creaked open, admitting Emerald Sustrai. There were times Salem wanted Emerald to be a friend, and times that Salem wanted to drown her in a Grimm pool. She was feeling somewhat ambigious on the subject at the moment. “Mistress Salem? I’ve brought you dinner.” For some reason, Emerald had taken it on herself to be the unofficial castle chef. She walked towards the Grimm Queen, carrying hot soup with a plate and silverware. 

“Not hungry,” Salem grumped. Actually she was a bit hungry, although in theory Salem didn’t need to eat. Emerald somewhat unwisely ignored her and set the soup down in front of Salem. She nervously smiled at the witch. Salem frowned back. 

Emerald started to leave, but then stopped. “Mistress Salem? Excuse me for speaking out of turn, but…are you all right?”

Salem flicked blood red eyes at her, a look that promised a grisly end the next time Emerald opened her mouth. The former thief swallowed nervously, stepped back, and slipped. She flailed around to catch herself, but somehow her hand got caught on one of her pistols. It flew out of the holster, spun in midair, landed on the table, and fired. Emerald landed on the stone floor, but other than her pride and a bruise on her rear end, nothing permanent was damaged. She got to her feet. “Mistress Salem, I am so sorry, and _AIEEE!”_ she screamed.

Salem still lay slumped in her chair, but now her left eye and the socket were gone, as well as one of her braids. Blood mixed with shards of bone was sprayed on the back of the throne. Her expression hadn’t changed. “Ouch,” Salem said dully. As Emerald watched in horrified surprise, the skull socket slowly reformed itself, the dripping gore disappeared, and a new eyeball coalesced into existence. Salem blinked her eyes a few times, then resumed looking alternately bored and depressed.

Emerald quickly retrieved her pistol, checked that the safety was on, and jammed it back into the holster. “How the hell did _that_ happen?” she wondered aloud.

“Oh, it’s simple, my dear Emerald,” Salem sighed. “Every year around this time, Death remembers that it hasn’t taken me yet. Unfortunately, Death is _also_ kind of a dumbass and forgets that I can’t die.”

Emerald cocked her head to one side. “I don’t understand, Mistress Salem. Are you saying that Death is an actual entity?”

Salem shrugged. “It seems so. Every now and then, these events happen. It’s usually only a day or two, then Death goes away.”

“That’s…really weird,” Emerald said, still confused. “And you say it’s been going on all day?”

Salem sighed again.

_That Morning_

Salem turned the knobs on the shower, letting steam into the pipes to warm them. Evernight Castle’s plumbing left a little to be desired, and the quickest way to get the water hot was to use live steam generated by the geothermal action beneath the castle. Of course, if one got the mixture wrong, it was a good way to get parboiled. Salem slipped off her robe and took a moment to admire her naked body in the mirror. She smacked her rear. “Still got it.”

She was walking towards the shower when she slipped on water that had splashed from the tub—despite the fact that the tub’s sides were actually too high for that to happen. Salem fell into the tub, but was able to throw herself to one side so she didn’t go in face first. Doing so, however, meant that her hand hit her Soap On a Rope, which flew out of the wall, spun wildly around her neck, and became an ersatz garrote. As she struggled, the rope grew tighter and tighter, until Salem essentially hanged herself. 

_Wonderful,_ she thought. _Now I’m going to be here all day. And I’m naked._

_That Evening_

Emerald’s hands went to her mouth. “That’s horrible! Who cut you down?”

“Oh, I eventually got enough motor control back that I was able to cast a magic missile spell and sever the rope. By the way, the shower needs repairs now…you may want to inform Hazel.”

“Mistress Salem,” Emerald said, “no offense, but…that could be just coincidence.”

“That was just the morning,” Salem replied.

_That Afternoon_

Mercury Black was sparring, which was nothing new. What was somewhat new was that he was sparring with a Beowolf. Mercury was nothing if not confident, and he’d gotten tired of sparring against Emerald or her illusions. With the other members of Salem’s faction in Atlas, disappeared, or moping in their rooms, Mercury really had no one else. And he wasn’t afraid of a single Grimm. 

The Beowolf snarled and snapped at him, but Mercury easily avoided the bite. He ducked, rolled backwards, jumped to his feet, and fired off two rounds from the shotguns in his boots. The Beowolf dodged both and lunged towards him, swinging a claw. He ducked under it again, then somersaulted. He grinned. He’d trapped the Grimm against the wall. 

It was then he noticed two things. First, the door in that wall had opened. The second was that the Beowolf’s claws had followed through and decapitated Salem. Her body wavered for a moment, then collapsed.

Both Mercury and the Beowolf froze. “Oh shit,” Mercury breathed. The Beowolf nodded in agreement.

_That Evening_

Emerald winced. “So that’s why Mercury was acting so weird today. He went in his room and won’t come out.”

“Tell him I’m not angry at him.” Salem finally levered herself up from the chair, her stomach winning the war with her brain. The soup did smell pretty good. She began eating. Emerald bowed and began to leave, but Salem stopped her with an upraised hand. “Before you leave, Emerald, I need you to help me with this Scroll thing you acquired for me. It seems to be stuck in an update loop.” She put the spoon down in the soup, but it slipped from her fingers and splashed hot soup onto the Scroll. 

“Oh, that’s an easy fix, Mistress Salem,” Emerald told her. “All you have to do is—“

Without warning, the Scroll exploded. Shards of plastic flew outwards, one particularly large one lodging in Salem’s throat. She rolled her eyes and leaned back in the chair as black blood flowed down her cloak. With a growl, she reached up and pulled the shard out of her throat. The wound closed quickly, and Salem smashed a fist down on the table. This caused the knife on the side of her plate to fly upwards, spin, and embed itself in the top of her skull. Her white hair began to turn a deep, dark red. Salem chewed her lip, reached up, and pulled the knife out, carefully setting it down. “That’s it,” she hissed. “I am _so_ done with today.”

Emerald knew this was a good time to leave. She nodded at Salem, turned and fled out the door. Thunder rolled in the distance; the weather in the realm of Salem was tied to the witch’s moods. And she was in a _very_ bad mood. She got up from her throne and stalked to the rear of the hall, where a huge picture window overlooked the Grimm Pits. “Hanging, decapitation, exploding Scrolls, getting shot in the head, and now a knife to the skull! Damn you, Death!” She flung her hands outwards and screamed in frustration. Lightning shot from the heavens. One bolt hit the top of the castle, severing the bolts that held the window in. The entire window—glass, wrought iron, everything—fell backwards into the hall, crushing Salem beneath its awesome weight. 

The thunder rolled, but the hall was silent for a moment. Then a black shadow drifted out from under the window, and slowly began to grow and solidify as it flashed gold. It became humanoid, then feminine, then Salem. She cracked her neck, adjusted her braids, and stepped onto the fallen window. “Is that all you’ve got, asshole?” she shouted towards the heavens. 


	2. A Nightmare On Beacon Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune Arc is trapped in a dream world of Beacon Academy. A Beacon Academy that's deserted, dark, and terrifying. And he's being hunted. 
> 
> So why isn't he all that scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NIght 2 of the 31 Days. I think the title kind of gives this away.

Jaune Arc moved through the halls of Beacon Academy—strangely deserted ones. Nothing moved in the halls, the dorms or the classrooms. Even the air felt heavy and, somehow, wrong. Jaune didn’t need a Semblance to know that something was horribly different. There was evil in the halls of Beacon now.

He began to move from a walk to a run, shuddering as he felt… _something…_ moving behind him. Something in the shadows. Something he dared not even turn and look at. Worse, it wasn’t falling behind as he ran; it was keeping pace with him, as if it just wanted to exhaust its prey before falling on Jaune and devouring him. Jaune wasn’t exactly fearless, but this nameless, sightless terror would’ve been enough to rattle even Lie Ren. Jaune was now in a full-on sprint down the main hall, which never seemed to end. Now whatever the entity in pursuit was, it _was_ getting closer. Jaune knew there was no escape. Worse, he also realized this had to be a dream, and yet he could not wake up, which was the most terrifying thing of all.

Somehow, he ended up in the Beacon dorms, which should not exist at all; Beacon was a deserted ruin, and he was in Mistral with Ruby, Ren, and Nora. He reached out and jerked open the door to the old Team JNPR dorm, even as his mind screamed “NO!” In the real world, Jaune groaned and thrashed in his sleeping bag, trying to wake up, trying to deny what was happening to him in the dream world. But the rest of Team JNR slept. Qrow slept. No one was coming to his rescue.

Jaune Arc was alone. More alone than he’d ever been before.

He shut the door behind him and locked it, then slumped against the wall, trying to catch his breath and be as quiet as he could. Whatever it was, it was coming towards the room. He reached to his side for Crocea Mors, but it was gone. The dorm was dark and quiet, and smelled dank. Not rotten, but more than just musty.

Then Jaune saw that Pyrrha’s bed was occupied. There was someone under the covers there. Jaune swallowed and stepped forward, his heart thudding in terror. Pyrrha could not be there. Pyrrha Nikos was dead. 

As he got about halfway to her bed, the covers were pulled back, and a figure sat up. It began to chuckle, then to laugh. Reddish light from a bloody, shattered moon fell on the figure. It most definitely was not Pyrrha: it was a man…of sorts. He was dressed in pants that looked burned, a red and black striped shirt that had seen better days. The face was hidden behind a fedora hat, but what got Jaune’s attention was the right hand: a glove, from which protruded four glittering blades. A gnarled hand came up and removed the fedora, as the figure stood, exposing the man’s hellish face, a skull covered in burnt, blistered skin and raw, red muscle. The sunken eyes turned in his direction, and the lipless mouth twisted in an insane grin.

Jaune fell back to the sink counter. “Oh, it’s just you.”

“Oh, it’s just _me?”_ the man shouted. His voice rose to a screech, like fingernails against a chalkboard. “Don’t you know who I _am?”_

Jaune nodded. “Sure. You’re Freddy Krueger, haunter of dreams and slayer of teenagers. Yeah, my sisters used to talk about you.”

The horrible grin widened. “Your sisters. Oh yes. Your _sisters._ I'll get back to them.” Freddy laughed softly. “Well, since this _is_ a dream, and you _are_ a teenager, what does that mean, Jauney boy?”

“That you’re going to try to kill me?”

Freddy nodded. “Verrrry good, Jaune. Not try, do.” He took a step, but Jaune made no move to run. He just folded his arms across his Pumpkin Pete hoodie. Freddy stopped and gave him a perplexed look. “Wait a second, kid. You’re not acting very scared.”

Jaune shrugged. “Not really, no. Sorry.”

The blades clicked together in a savage rhythm. “Not even a little? Not even from these?” Freddy taunted.

Jaune sighed. “Mr. Krueger, sir. I grew up with six sisters. I got bullied for months by Cardin Winchester and his gang. I’ve been fighting Grimm for the past year or so. I’ve seen the Fall Maiden and lived. I got jumped by a psychotic scorpion Faunus—“

Freddy blew out a breath. “Yeah, that Tyrian guy. He _is_ pretty scary.”

“I’ve seen a damn Grimm _dragon_ come flying out of a mountain,” Jaune continued. “We won’t even mention that Nuckalevee thing. And then there’s the fact that my girlfriend got killed after giving me one last kiss…”

“Oh yeah,” Freddy smirked. “Poor little Pyrrha. I was going to let you draw back the covers and see me, but then I thought, nah, it would be more fun to watch you piss your pants.” The smirk faded. “Which you seem not to be doing, much to my intense disappointment.”

“A year ago, I probably would’ve _crapped_ my pants,” Jaune admitted. “But you know…after seeing the Fall of Beacon…not much scares me anymore.”

Freddy sat down on Jaune’s bed, and set his fedora aside. “I knew coming to Remnant was a bad idea. Nothing scares people here. First that Nora chick, and now you.”

“You tried to scare Nora?”

“I disguised myself as a stack pf pancakes. Figured I’d scare her into a heart attack by having the pancakes eat her for a change.”

Jaune winced. “Oh, man. I am sorry, sir. Let me guess—she ate you anyway.”

Freddy shuddered. “I’ve been scaring teenagers to death for 36 years, kid, and I’ve never seen _anything_ like that. _I_ woke up in a cold sweat.”

Jaune had an idea. “Did you try Cinder Fall?”

Freddy shook his head vehemently. “Are you kidding? She’s worse than me. I’d probably end up getting absorbed by her or something.”

“Well, if you don’t mind some advice, Mr. Krueger, I wouldn’t try Ruby Rose.”

“I’m crazy, not stupid. Not even her sister…some asshole with red hair and a mask is already scaring her these days.” Freddy got up and put on his hat. “Well, shit. I was hoping to have some fun tonight, but you went and ruined that, you jerk.”

“Sorry,” Jaune apologized. 

“Yep.” Freddy stretched, cracked his knuckles. “So I guess I’ll just skip to the end and kill you. And then I think I’ll start terrorizing your sisters.”

“Best of luck with that,” Jaune replied. Freddy walked towards him. Jaune still didn’t try to run. Freddy hesitated again. “One thing, kid, before I cut you into giblets. You _were_ scared shitless when you came in here. Now you’ve actually seen who was chasing you, and you act like it’s another day at school. What’s the deal?”

Jaune smiled. “I thought maybe you were Cardin.”

Freddy used his left hand to massage the bridge of his nose. “I give up. All right, kid, hold still. This will hurt a lot.”

He raised the glove to strike—the first of many strikes, because now Freddy was determined to make this little bastard scream—but Jaune spoke. “Do you know the other reason why I’m not scared, Mr. Krueger?”

The blades stopped in mid-swing. “Nah, why not?”

Jaune pointed behind him. Freddy turned, and his eyes widened. “No. Not you. It can't be you. Not _here._ You're dead." 

Pyrrha Nikos filled the room with a white light. Jaune only smiled, while Freddy shrank in fear. She stalked forward, a shining Milo in one hand, her wings absorbing the darkness and turning it into purity, the gossamer silks she wore as white as the purest snow. “How dare you,” she snarled. “How _dare_ you mess with my man, you scum!”

“But…but this is the dream world!” Freddy insisted, even as his eyes darted frantically for a place to run. “I rule here!”

“Perhaps in someone else’s dream,” Pyrrha told him. “But not in Jaune’s. Here, _I_ rule supreme. I am here, and I shall always be here, until the day he joins me at the end of his lifespan.” She raised Milo, silver flames dancing along the blade. “And that is _not_ today, demon!” She plunged Milo through Freddy. He screamed in pure agony, wriggling on the end of the spear like a fish. White light exploded from every pore in his burned body, and with a whimper rather than a bang, Freddy Krueger was destroyed, banished, gone.

Jaune blinked away the spots in his vision. “Whew. Thanks, Pyr. I knew you’d get here before too long.”

She stabbed Milo into the floor, as the dorm returned to its former bright glory. “Sorry! It’s karaoke night in the afterworld, and it ran a little long.” She smiled. “Anyway, I believe we had a sexy dream scheduled?” Her silks disappeared, leaving a naked Pyrrha standing in front of him.

“You bet,” Jaune said, and stepped forward into her embrace. They kissed, but as she fumbled with the ties on his hoodie, he asked, “Where do you think Freddy ended up?”

“Who cares?” Pyrrha replied, and kissed him again.

“Oh no,” Freddy said. “Oh _noooo!”_ He tried to flee again, but he was trapped up to his shoulders in black, tarry goo.

Salem licked her lips. “Welcome to _my_ realm, Freddy.” She threw his fedora to one side and plunged the burned head beneath the fetid darkness. “You’ll make a _fantastic_ Grimm.”


	3. Night of the More or Less Living Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a dark and not really stormy night in Patch, Yang is reading a scary story to Ruby--a story about the dead coming back to life and eating people. It's just a story, but after Tai gets his daughters to bed, Ruby finds herself scared.
> 
> And then she hears scratching at the front door...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally going to be a much different story, with an actual zombie apocalypse hitting Beacon and Ruby being insanely happy about being able to legally murder. It wasn't really coming together, and then I got a much better idea about Yang and Ruby as kids, reading scary stories in the dark. Though the zombie thing isn't off the table...
> 
> In canon RWBY, Yang and Ruby share a bedroom, but I always thought they should have separate rooms (having grown up with a sibling, you really want to get away from each other as soon as you're old enough). So in this story, they have separate ones.

“’And then…then the ghouls broke down the barricades! Ben frantically reloaded the lever-action rifle, but he knew he only had three rounds left!’”

“Yang, that doesn’t make any sense! That kind of rifle has seven shots, and he’s only fired three. Besides, don’t the people that own the house have a couple of bricks of ammunition? Dad always says you should—“

Yang looked up from the book. “Ruby, you’re ruining the story!”

“But Yang—“ Ruby protested.

“Just don’t worry about it!” Yang shook her head. Ruby was eight years old and knew _way_ too much about guns already. “Now do you want to hear how the zombies eat up the good guys or what?”

Ruby sighed and flopped back on her pillows. “So how come they’re called ghouls and not zombies?”

“They just are!” Yang put her finger in the book to keep her place, then bopped her sister in the head with it. “You’ll know these things when you’re older.”

Ruby massaged her head and pouted at her older sister. Yang was eleven and was becoming a grownup—or claimed to be, anyway. “Whatever.”

Yang stuck out her tongue. “You want me to finish this or not?”

Ruby smiled and snuggled deeper into the bed. “Yeah.” She liked it when Yang read her bedtime stories. Here lately they had been reading scary ones. They weren’t really _that_ scary—true fear had a new definition when one had nearly been killed by Grimm when they were even younger—but Ruby and Yang found some fun in silly scariness. 

So Yang kept reading, as one by one the survivors in the house were slowly picked off: the young couple died in the explosion of the gas pumps, the older man was shot by the main character, the little girl reanimated and began eating her father after stabbing her mother, and the young woman was dragged off by her own zombiefied brother. The main character—the last one—retreated into the basement as the house was overrun by the ghouls. Ruby was not making corrections now. Her covers were up to her nose, a death grip on her comfort stuffed unicorn, her silver eyes wide. Yang, on the other hand, wasn’t scared so much as she couldn’t wait to see the end. She knew the main character would find more ammunition and mow down the zombies in one awesome, badass stand. 

Yang had been reading by candlelight, but suddenly the main light came on. Taiyang stood in the door and looked down at his daughters, a grin on his face. “What are you two doing in here?”

“Nothing,” Ruby murmured. 

“Just reading,” Yang replied, setting the book aside. “Ruby wanted a bedtime story.” 

Tai came in and picked up the book. “ _Night of the Living Dead?_ ” Tai put the book under one arm and stared down at his oldest daughter. “Yang Xiao Long. This is a terrifying book. Are you trying to scare your sister?”

“She asked me to read it!” Yang insisted, throwing Ruby under the proverbial bus. In actuality, though both had wanted to read a scary story, it had been Yang that had picked it out.

“Uh huh.” Tai wasn’t fooled for a moment. Like most older sisters, Yang had a way of getting Ruby to go along with whatever she said. “Well, scary or not, it’s past your bedtime. _Both_ of you. Yang, I’ve been letting you stay up, but it’s a school night.”

“Aww!” Yang grumped, but under Tai’s gaze, she sighed and stood. “I wanted to know what happens…”

“No, you don’t.” Tai had read the book a few times; it was part of Summer’s old library. In spite of, or maybe because of her chosen profession, Summer Rose enjoyed a good horror story. He’d been meaning to make sure they were out of reach of both his daughters, but Tai had rapidly learned that there was nothing in the house he could hide or lock away that Ruby and Yang couldn’t get into. He strongly suspected that Yang already knew how to pick locks. 

Yang slowly moved towards the door of Ruby’s bedroom, dragging her feet. She waited as Tai kissed Ruby’s cheek, wished her a good night, blew out the candle, and left the room. Just before he closed the door, Yang stuck her head back in. “They’re coming to get you, Ruby!” she growled theatrically, then closed the door. Ruby heard her father swat Yang on the bottom and lecture her about scaring her sister.

Ruby stared at her ceiling. “I’m not scared,” she declared loudly. And she told herself she wasn’t. She was the daughter of Taiyang Xiao Long and Summer Rose, and she was not going to be scared. She snuggled under the covers, gripped her stuffed animal a bit tighter, and defiantly stared at the darkness until her eyelids got heavy, her silver eyes fluttered, and she fell asleep.

The banging noise woke Ruby up. At first, she thought it was just the wind through the forest, but then she heard the banging again, followed by scratching noises. 

It was coming from the front door.

_They’re coming to get you, Ruby._

Ruby felt her heart stomp on the gas pedal. Fear shot through her body, and she couldn’t suppress a sob. There was something at the door. It couldn’t be Grimm—her dad always made sure of that, and Patch was as Grimm-free as a place could get on Remnant—which meant it must be zombies. There was an old graveyard in the woods somewhere (or so Yang claimed), and something had reanimated them, just like in the story. _Or it’s Grimm zombies,_ Ruby thought, which made her even more terrified. _Oh no, no,_ she thought, on the verge of a scream, _they’re going to eat up Daddy and then Yang and then me!_ _And then I’ll never get a doggie for my birthday and go to Beacon and find Mommy and lead my own team and make my own scythe gun!_

The memory of Summer Rose—distant, hazy, more impressions than anything else, but a mother’s love more than ever—suddenly steeled Ruby. She was still frightened, but she tamped down the fear. Determined, she slipped out of her bed and kissed her stuffed unicorn, then hid it under her pillows. “They won’t get you, Tia,” she said. On bare feet, Ruby quickly crossed over to her toy chest, opened it, and pulled out her whiffleball bat. It wasn’t much, but it was the only weapon she had. 

Ruby opened the door to her room only as much she needed to, and slipped out. There was silence from the front door. _Maybe the zombies gave up,_ she thought. Then she heard the creak of the door and the thunk of it shutting. _Nope. They’re in the house._ She swallowed. _Gotta be brave. Mommy would be._ She thought of waking her father and Yang, but that would make noise. She couldn’t make noise. Zombies homed in on noise.

She crept forward, wishing she was wearing some armor or something; pajamas with hearts on them weren’t much in the way of protection from a zombie bite. _Uh oh. What if they bite me? I’ll turn into a zombie too and chomp on Yang and Daddy._ She gripped the bat tighter. _They’ll never take me alive._ She reached the landing and, summoning her courage, stared down at the living room below through the balustrades. Ruby bit her lip to keep from screaming.

The room below was dark, but lit enough by the moon through the windows. She could see a figure shuffling around, bumping into things. _Just…just like in the book,_ Ruby thought. She looked around frantically. There was only one of them.

Ruby took a deep breath. Her father wouldn’t run. Her mother certainly wouldn’t have. She was going to have to kill this zombie herself. If nothing else, she would buy her family time to get away. Stealthily, Ruby stole down the stairs, one at a time, watching the zombie. It nearly stumbled and fell. Its shoes came off…or was it the zombie’s feet? Ruby wasn’t sure. Then she saw socks, or pale flesh, and knew it was just the shoes. She reached the bottom of the stairs, took a step forward, and her foot came down on a loose board. It groaned. _Crap! I forgot about that!_

The zombie began to turn. 

Ruby adopted a tactic used by her father on Patch’s roads: when it didn’t help to slow down, pour it on. She also remembered her father’s martial arts training. With a great shout—which came out as a shrill scream—Ruby ran forward as the ghoul faced her. It was so much taller than her; she wasn’t going to be able to bash its brains in unless she got it on the floor. She remembered something else her father had taught her in the basics of self-defense, and swung the bat straight into the zombie’s groin.

It worked. The zombie let out a horrible bellow of pain and dropped to the carpet on its knees. Ruby did not let up. Her next swing caught the ghoul on the side of the head, and a third drove it to the ground. “ _DIE, ZOMBIE!”_ Ruby shouted, and raised the bat for a final blow.

The light to the living room snapped on. “ _Ruby, stop!”_ Taiyang shouted. The bat halted at the top of its arc. Ruby, teeth bared, looked down at the zombie, then she dropped the whiffleball bat in complete surprise. “Uncle _Qrow?!”_

Tai took the steps two at a time, and knelt next to his fallen brother-in-law. Qrow groaned and sat up, taking deep breaths. Tai professionally checked him visually; there was no blood. Luckily, Ruby’s eight-year-old strength and the plastic whiffleball bat hadn’t been enough to break the skin or concuss Qrow. The shot to the groin was another story, and Qrow managed to fight down the urge to cradle himself. 

“Qrow, what the hell are you doing here?” Tai demanded. “You weren’t supposed to get here until the day after tomorrow!”

“Sorry,” Qrow finally struggled out. “Got here early and let myself in…” He managed to get up onto the couch. “I got a little drunk in town…had trouble getting in the front door…then almost tripped over my own shoes...”

Tai could smell the alcohol on his breath; Qrow drunk was nothing new. Usually he would collapse onto to the couch and be sober by the next morning. He was going to have to talk to his brother-in-law about that, but Ruby was the immediate issue. “Ruby,” he said sternly, taking the bat out of her hands, “why did you hit your uncle?”

Ruby sniffled. Now her uncle _and_ her dad were mad at her. “I…I thought he was a…a zombie!” She burst into tears and hugged her father’s leg. “I was so scared, Daddy!”

Tai sighed, and knelt next to her. He couldn’t stay mad at that face, so much like Summer’s. “Ruby, why didn’t you wake me up?”

Qrow was leaning forward; the pain was starting to ebb, albeit very slowly. “And why did you think I was a zombie?”

“Yang was reading her a scary story,” Tai said over his shoulder. “Ruby, why didn’t you wake me up?” he repeated.

“Because…” Ruby wiped her eyes. “Because there was just one zombie—I mean, Uncle Qrow—and I wanted to be brave like you and Mommy…”

“Oh, hell,” Qrow said, and wasn’t sure if he was going to laugh or cry. 

Tai hugged Ruby. “You _were_ brave. But next time, wake me up if you think someone’s in the house, okay? It’s daddies’ job to be brave, Ruby. When you grow up, then you can be brave then, okay?”

“Okay,” Ruby said. “Okay.” She looked up at Qrow. “I’m sorry, Uncle Qrow.”

Qrow leaned back on the couch. He settled on laughing. It _was_ pretty funny. “That’s okay, kiddo. You swing a mean bat.”

Ruby brightened at that, but Tai picked her up. “Let’s get you back to bed, Ruby. There won’t be any zombies coming in—not when me and your Uncle Qrow are here.” 

“Get a dog, Tai,” Qrow advised. Tai silenced him with a look.

He got Ruby tucked back into bed, though she insisted on sleeping with the bat next to her. Tai complimented her on her bravery, kissed her forehead, and asked if Ruby wanted him to leave the light on. Courageously, she shook her head, and he left, closing the door. As he did so, it occurred to Tai that Yang hadn’t come out of her room. He knocked and then opened it.

Yang’s bed was empty. His heart climbed into his throat, but then he saw the slight shaking of the mattress. “Yang, pumpkin?” he said, then looked under the bed, raising the coverlet. Yang was beneath her bed, tears and snot running down her face, curled into a ball, her own stuffed toy in her arms. Her lilac eyes were huge. “Did Ruby die?” she asked in terror. “Did the zombie get her?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, Ruby and Yang were reading "Night of the Living Dead," and for those of you who have never seen the Romero classic--first of all, shame on you, and second, spoiler alert: the ending *is* pretty lousy. Tai spared Ruby and Yang a lot of disappointment and possible mental scarring. 
> 
> This story also explains why Tai got Zwei, and why Yang is so overprotective of Ruby--she failed once, and won't do it again!


	4. Relic of Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven Branwen has done it. She's defeated Cinder Fall, and now has access to the Relic of Knowledge. But before she can get to it, she has to get past her own daughter--Yang Xiao Long. And Yang's chainsaw arm. 
> 
> But Yang's not going to have it easy either. She has to get past the Spring Maiden--her own birth mother--and know the three magic words to enter the Vault. Can she do that, and remember the words?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose it's no great surprise that today's chapter is the "Army of Darkness/Evil Dead" chapter. If you haven't seen "Army of Darkness," you should, because 1) it's a classic of American cinema and totally should've swept the Academy Awards, 2) Bruce Campbell as Ash Williams is the best thing in the history of Hollywood, and 3) you're not going to get any of the jokes in this story. Easily half of Yang's dialogue is Ash Williams'.
> 
> I'd like to say I was the first one to think of Yang as Ash, but there's actually fanart of her in the same pose as the Army of Darkness poster.

Raven Branwen heard the report of Ember Celica and sighed. She smoothed the hair of Vernal, who had given her life to give her chieftess a chance, then stood to face her daughter as she walked into the Vault of the Relic of Knowledge. 

“I warned you, Yang,” she began. “I gave you every opportunity to walk away from Qrow and Oz. So you can believe me when I say…” Her voice trailed off. “Is that a _chainsaw_ on your arm?”

Yang grinned and held up her left arm. “Oh hell yeah it is.”

Raven looked taken aback. “I guess if there was any doubt that you were Taiyang's or mine, you've just removed it. But…wait a minute. When I left you upstairs, you had a regular artificial arm.”

“Yep. I had to give Mercury Black a hand.”

Raven covered her eyes. “Ugh.” Yang had inherited her father’s penchant for puns. It wasn’t the reason Raven had left Taiyang Xiao Long, but it contributed to it. 

Yang pointed back to the elevator that had brought her down to the Vault. There was a backpack lying on the floor of it. “I had Ruby whip up this baby for me earlier in the week, and stuck it on on the way down.” She raised it a little more, so her mother could see it. “This sweet baby was made by the Schnee Dust Company! Retails for about 109.95 lien…got a stainless steel blade, four settings, and a laser sight. And a vibration function.” Yang wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Raven peered closer. “You bought that at Schnee-Mart?”

“Shop smart. Shop Schnee-Mart.” Yang suddenly lunged with the chainsaw, causing Raven to fall back. “You _got that?”_

Raven’s eyes blazed—literally, as the Spring Maiden powers made crimson flame trail from them. “Don’t you talk to me like that! I'll shop anywhere I damn please! You don’t know the sacrifices I’ve made! I’ve stared death in the face over and over again!”

Yang rolled her eyes. “Well, hello, Miss Fancy Pants.”

Raven ignored her. “And every time, I’ve _spit_ in the face and survived, because I’m strong enough to do what others won’t! I’ve led my tribe—“

“Oh, shut up,” Yang snapped. “You’re leading two things right now, Raven—Jack and shit. And Jack left town! You don’t know the first thing about strength! You turn your back on people, you run away when things get too hard, you put others in harm’s way instead of yourself!” She shook the chainsaw in Raven’s face. “You might be powerful, but that doesn’t make you strong!”

Raven slapped the chainsaw away. “Who do you think you are, lecturing me? You think you’re some queen or something, with Team RWBY right behind you?”

“Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.” She nodded at Raven. “Yeah, I’m scared. But I’m still standing here. I’m not like you. I won’t run, which is why you’re going to give me the Relic.”

Raven folded her arms across her chest. “And why would I do that?”

“Because you’re afraid of Salem!” Yang shouted. “And you thought having Maiden powers put a target on your back, imagine what she’ll do when she finds out you have a Relic!” Raven couldn’t meet her daughter’s eyes. “She’ll come after you with everything she has…or she can come after me. And I’ll be standing there, waiting for her.” Yang raised the chainsaw again, this time over her head. “Hail to the queen, baby.”

“Quit calling me baby,” Raven said. The flames around her eyes faded.

“Sorry. It’s my catchphrase.”

Raven looked to the vault’s entrance, then back to Yang. “Yang, I…I…I do care about you. _And_ your father. And even Ruby. Maybe it would be better…” She reached forward, put a tentative hand on Yang’s real arm. “Maybe it would be better if I had the Relic after all. Please, Yang, as your mother, let me do this.”

Yang gave her a look of utter contempt. “First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me.” She shrugged off her mother’s hand and gestured to the elevator. “Blow.”

Raven stood there for a moment, then slowly stepped aside, allowing Yang to pass. Yang had known she would. There were two kinds of people on Remnant: those who stood and those who ran, and sadly, her birth mother was one of the latter, no matter what powers she had. “You don’t want to do this, Yang,” Raven warned.

“Nope. But I’m going to do it anyway.” She walked to the vault entrance.

Raven wiped her eyes; tears had suddenly welled up in them. “Yang…”

“I don’t want to hear it, Raven.”

“You need to hear this. To enter the Vault, you must say the magic words.”

Yang turned back towards her. “You’re kidding.”

“I’m not,” Raven replied sadly, and Yang realized just how beaten her mother was. “You must say these words: klaatu, barada, nikto.”

Yang listened, then nodded. “Okay. Klaatu, barada, nikto.”

“Well, repeat them.”

“Klaatu, barada, nikto.”

“Again.”

Yang’s eyes turned red and her hair began to smolder. “I got it, I got it!”

“All right.” She looked down. “Yang…I’m sorry.” Raven turned and was gone. Yang watched her leave, watched her run away again, and sighed. Then she turned back to the vault door. For several moments, she found she couldn’t move. She wondered if she should’ve said something more to Raven. Something that might have made it better. But there wasn’t anything that would make it better. Yang closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened them, and put her real hand on the door handle.

Then she remembered. “Wait, wait…the words. Say the words.” She cleared her throat. “Klaatu…barada…n…” Yang’s mind picked that moment to go blank. _Oh shit. I can remember the first two, but not the third one! What was it?_ She tried to jog her memory by speaking aloud. “Necktie…nectar…nickel…noodle…it was definitely a N word.” She leaned against the door. “Definitely a N word.” But try as she might, Yang could not remember the word. _Great. Now what am I gonna do? Waaait a minute. This thing is thousands of years old. I bet it doesn’t_ really _know._

She stepped back, took another deep breath, and intoned solemnly, “Klaatu…barada…” Then she coughed loudly into her real hand, mumbling something vague as she did. 

Nothing happened. The door didn’t open, but the Vault didn’t collapse either. She looked around for a minute, then put her hands on her hips—carefully, with the chainsaw hand. “Okay then!” she announced to no one in particular. The Vault was empty except for her—Raven had run off, Cinder was probably at the bottom of the pit somewhere, and Vernal was busy being dead. “That’s it!” Satisfied, Yang tugged on the Vault door.

Nothing happened. 

“Oh, the hell with this!” She fired up the chainsaw and cut through the door. Whoever had designed it in Remnant’s distant past had never anticipated that an angry blonde with the Semblance of pure rage and a chainsaw for an arm would ever try to enter the Vault of the Relic of Knowledge, so the door wasn’t all that much of an obstacle after all. A good fifteen minutes of cutting, kicking, punching, considering using Vernal's corpse as a battering ram, and swearing later, and Yang had cut through. She was confronted with the very strange sight of a seemingly endless desert of sand. Heat washed over her. About twenty paces ahead was an ornate lamp of gold and bronze, which shimmered with a blue glow from something—or someone—inside.

Yang grinned. “Groovy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hail to the queen, baby.


	5. The Ring (or Something)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A terrified Ruby confides to Weiss: she thinks she's watched a cursed videotape. Weiss scoffs at it, because everyone knows curses aren't real. 
> 
> Except on Remnant, they are...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 brings us to the infamous Ring, or Ringu if you're a fan of the original. 
> 
> And yes, they do have videotapes and VHS players on Remnant. RWBY Chibi said so.

Weiss Schnee pored over her homework for Professor Port. It wasn’t due for another week, but she wanted to get it out of the way, so to better concentrate on studying her summoning. She’d also probably have to help the rest of her team with it—Blake usually picked up a subject quickly, but sometimes she needed a nudge. Yang was actually quite intelligent, but she needed motivation. Ruby was something of a hopeless cause, but Weiss liked a challenge, even if she wouldn’t admit it.

At that moment, the door crashed open. Weiss rammed her pencil straight through her textbook like an angry, female John Wick, and nearly jumped through the ceiling. She caught a blur of rose petals as the aforementioned Ruby Rose dived under Weiss’ bed. 

Weiss took a deep breath, counted to ten, and slowly got to her feet. She closed the door, then walked over to her bed, bent over, and gave Ruby a look of utter pity. “May I ask whatever is the matter?”

Ruby was shaking. “I…I saw it…”

“Saw what? A Grimm? Professor Port naked?”

“Worse!” 

Weiss sighed and gently pulled Ruby out from under the bed, then sat her on it. Thinking that she was being nicer than words would allow, she sat next to the trembling reaper and took one of her hands. “What did you see?”

“I…I was down in the rec room…and someone had left out this old video tape. It had a circle on it, so I thought it was like a tape about shooting! So I stuck it in the VHS player—“

“Wait, Beacon has a VHS player?”

“Yeah,” Ruby confirmed. “Jaune got it after he and Ren found all those old tapes.” She grabbed Weiss’ hands so hard that it hurt. “And…and then…there was this girl…and it was horrible…I think she was thrown down a well or something...”

Weiss was appalled. “Good heavens. How old is the tape? If someone recorded it, it could solve a cold case of murder.”

“I don’t know,” Ruby replied. “But it gets worse, Weiss! Right after I got done watching it, my Scroll went off…and there was this…” Ruby sniffed, fought back tears “…this voice! It was creepy as hell! It said ‘seven days’!” She pitched her voice lower, which might have been comical if she wasn’t so terrified. “So…so I looked it up, and it’s some kind of weird curse! Anyone who watches the tape dies in a week if they don’t copy it and pass it to someone else!”

“What happens if the other person watches it?”

“I guess they have to do the same or they die too!”

Weiss pondered that for a moment. “Interesting. A self-propagating virus.” Ruby nodded frantically, but then Weiss burst out laughing. “Or an elaborate prank!” She got up, still laughing. “Ruby, you sweet summer child. It’s just a joke. It was probably Cardin or, more likely, your sister. Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

“Are you sure?” Ruby said, in a small voice.

_Gods, sometimes she’s like a puppy._ Weiss sat back down, hesitated, then hugged her battle partner. Ruby Rose could annoy the hell out of Weiss Schnee, but they were friends. Weiss didn’t have a lot of those. “I’m very sure.”

“Well…okay…” Ruby took a deep breath and got up herself. “I’ll ask Yang about it.”

_The Next Day_

“Nope,” Yang told Ruby. “I didn’t do that. I mean, VHS? Besides Dad, who even uses that anymore?” She shrugged. “Anyway, it sounds like a good prank. Wish I’d thought of it.”

Fear bubbled up inside Ruby. “Oh boy. If it wasn’t you, then who was it?”

“Beats me. Maybe it was Blake?” Yang smiled. “You know, for a stoic teenage ninja Faunus, I think there’s a comedian deep inside her.”

_The Day After That_

Blake looked over the top of _The Man With Two Souls II: Possession Boogaloo._ “Ruby, that would be a horribly cruel joke to play on someone as young and impressionable as you.”

“Stop treating me like I’m a kid! I’m fifteen, for the gods’ sake!” Ruby stomped her foot.

Blake went back to reading her book. “Well, it wasn’t me. I don’t prank people.”

“Oh yeah? Then who put that pail of water up on the doorframe that soaked Weiss last week?”

Blake clapped the book shut. “You can’t prove that was me. I was nowhere near there. I deny these false accusations.” Ruby didn’t look convinced, so Blake said, “Maybe it was Cardin.”

_The Day After the Day After That_

Cardin Winchester laughed. “Yeah, it was totally me. And you fell for it, little girl. Ha! You’re so stupid.”

Ruby’s eyes narrowed. Cardin had been far too quick to take credit for it. “Yeah, you got me good, Cardin,” she laughed, utterly falsely. “So how did you do it? Make the tape, that is.”

Cardin’s smile faded just a little. “Uh…well, it was really easy.”

“Tell me,” Ruby insisted. “I wanna prank Blake.”

“Uh…well, you…er…” Cardin abruptly looked angry and shoved her out of the way. “Shut up, Ruby!” He stomped off.

_The Day After the Day After the Day After the Day After That (Day Six, I Think)_

Weiss sighed and massaged her temples. “Ruby, so far, you’ve accused your sister—“

“Excuse me? _You_ accused my sister,” Ruby corrected her.

The heiress ignored her. “You’ve accused your sister, Blake, Cardin, Nora, Jaune, and now me.”

“It kind of makes sense you’d throw someone else under the bus to hide your involvement—“

“It does,” Weiss conceded. “ _If_ I knew how to work with something as primitive as VHS. Really, Ruby, VHS hasn’t even been used in a backwards place like Patch in over 20 years!”

“Shove it, Yang! Patch is rustic, not backwards!” Ruby fought down the urge to kick Weiss in the shins, but had to admit that Weiss was likely not the culprit. Weiss would never admit to not knowing something voluntarily. 

“There’s no curse, Ruby. It was just a prank by someone—you don’t know how old that tape is; if it was part of that stack that Jaune and Ren found, it could be decades old.” Weiss resumed her chair and opened Oobleck’s textbook. “Now if you’re finished playing amateur sleuth, I’d like to get back to studying.”

“Fine.” Ruby climbed into her bed and lay back on the pillows. It _was_ silly, getting all worked up over something like this. The decades-old prank thing didn’t explain the mysterious call on her Scroll, but short of canvassing all of Beacon Academy, she’d never really know. It was time to admit defeat and move on with her life. With a sigh, Ruby reached under her mattress and pulled out _Ninjas of Love._ It was filth, but it was Blake’s filth, and she needed to get it back to her before the Faunus came after her. A stupid videotape would be the least of her worries then.

_The Seventh Day_

“Gad!” Ruby grumped, stomping down the hallway. “I want to hang out with Weiss, and she’s all like ‘Durrr, I gotta do this homework that isn’t due for a month, because I’m an overachiever! Waa waa waa!’” She went into the dorm rec room and flopped onto the old sofa there. Thousands of student rear ends had worn out the springs on it, and it smelled kind of weird, but Ruby didn’t care. She snatched up the remote and turned on the TV. “Oh great altar of passive entertainment,” she intoned, “entertain me.”

The first show she found was the news, with Lisa Lavender. Ruby couldn’t care less, so she switched it to the next channel. It was a cooking show. She settled back for that one. Ruby loved cooking, and this episode promised an interesting receipe for tasty cakes. 

The chef’s image suddenly dissolved, derezzed, and went to static. “Dammit,” Ruby grumbled, and switched channels. It was the same thing. She turned the TV off and then on again. Still static. She began to get up to put into play the Taiyang Principle (hit something electronic until it works), when the picture resolved itself.

It was a well. And someone—or some _thing_ —was crawling out of it. It was dressed in white, the face hidden by black tresses of hair. As Ruby watched, it got closer and closer to the camera. Then it reached forward…and somehow, impossibly, it crawled through the screen to materialize in front of her. Water pooled beneath it. The head came up…

…and Ruby dashed forward. She hadn’t brought Crescent Rose with her, and she knew her own martial arts skills were nothing to write home about. It would do no good to yell for help; the ghoul would be on her before anyone arrived. There was no option left but one.

Ruby grabbed the specter by its soggy hair and kissed her hard on the lips. The arms came up, hesitated, then grasped Ruby’s back as it returned the kiss. Ruby withdrew, and gently pushed back the wet strands of hair. The face that stared back was not some horrific, rotting undead face, but the rather pleasant one of a girl about Ruby’s own age. Her pale hands—pale now, no longer the pastiness of drowned death—came up and touched her face. “I’m…I’m alive,” she said.

“I knew that if I kissed you, you’re return to normal!” Ruby said proudly. “That’s what that one princess chick did to the frog!”

“I…I don’t believe that worked,” said the girl. 

Ruby smiled. “All you needed was a little love.”

“I’m free!” the girl exclaimed. “I’m free of the curse! Oh, Ruby Rose, you’ve saved me!” She hugged Ruby again. “Oh thank you, thank you!”

Ruby returned the hug. “I’m Ruby Rose!”

“I’m Samara Morgan.” Samara looked around the rec room. “Where am I?”

“Beacon Academy! Are you hungry?”

Samara blew out a breath. “You know it. I’ve been dead for like 20 years now. Works up quite the appetite.”

“Cookies?” Ruby pointed to the hallway. “I can whip up some fresh ones.”

“Oh hell yes,” Samara replied. “I’d kill for some cookies.”

Ruby took Samara’s hand and led her from the rec room. “C’mon, new bestie! We’ll get some cookies and I’ll introduce you to my team!”

Far away, in the Evernight Castle, Salem leaned her face into her hand. “So much for _that_ plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending took me awhile. I went through several endings--one of which where Team RWBY showed up and pummeled Samara into oblivion, one where they showed up and pummeled Samara into surrendering (after which she revealed it really *was* a prank, one hatched by Torchwick), and one where it was Pyrrha who had recorded the tape (which was OOC for her), and...none of them really worked. So I went with Ruby kissing Samara and turning her back to human, because why not. 
> 
> It was a little close to Scary Movie in parts, but it's pretty tough to write a Ring parody without veering close to that. I hope it wasn't too close.


	6. The Fog, My Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden fog closes in around Atlas. Is it just weather, or is it something more sinister--like some strange version of the Apathy? Yang better find out fast, because it's closing around her, and there's no escape. 
> 
> It doesn't help that she can't stop thinking about the Bellabooty, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet tonight, as I just completed a *very* long chapter of "On RWBY Wings."

It was a dark and foggy night in Atlas. Sometimes, the steam from thousands of vents in Mantle would rise to the level of Atlas, where it would partially freeze in the cold night air and become fog. (If that’s not meteorlogically accurate, don’t worry about that and other science facts; it’s just a fic and you should really just relax.) In any case, the fog was so dense that Atlas closed its Bullhead pads, ending shuttle service until the morning, when the sun would burn off the fog. 

The fog had closed in very rapidly this time—almost _too_ rapidly. Yang had stayed behind to help the crew of the last Bullhead in from Amity Arena offload some boxes, and in that short ten minutes, the fog had thickened so much that, not only could she not see Team RWBY, she could barely see three feet in front of her. She drew her jacket closer around her shoulders and shivered. Normally, Aura protected humans and Faunus from all but the most freezing of temperatures, which explained why Weiss was able to run around in a blizzard, wearing a dress that normally would risk wind scar and frostbite. Yang knew, from her studies at Beacon (the ones she’d paid attention to, instead of ogling cute boys or falling asleep), that when Huntsmen and Huntresses were low on Aura, then their protection from heat and cold dropped as well. That was why Weiss was almost a Schneesicle by the time they had reached Brunswick Farms. Yang shivered again, not entirely from the cold. She _really_ didn’t want to think of Brunswick Farms, and the Apathy.

And that was the strange part. Her Aura should be at full strength. She hadn’t done any combat or anything that might’ve lessened her Aura. The trip to Amity had been onboard a regular transport; the trip back on a Bullhead. Both were heated. And it hadn’t been all that cold anyway, much less foggy.

Yang tried to keep her teeth from chattering. _This is bad,_ she thought. _I’ve never seen fog like this, not even back home in Patch! This couldn’t be…Salem, could it?_ She swallowed nervously at that, but then decided that Salem probably liked to make grand entrances; she wouldn’t sneak around under cover of fog. And Cinder Fall—assuming the Fall Maiden was still alive—used fire based powers. The Winter Maiden would be able to generate something like this, but Fria was far below Yang, and unless the oldster had lost control of her powers, this wasn’t her.

_Still,_ Yang thought, _this isn’t natural._ Of course, it wasn’t really anything to be afraid of. If she turned left, she would eventually reach the outer wall of Atlas Academy, and the various entrances. If she turned right, she’d reach the railings that surrounded the edge of Atlas; luckily, someone had installed guardrails for just such an occasion. Either one would get her to shelter. And if she started _really_ freezing, Yang mused, she could just get really pissed off and heat herself up. 

The fog seemed to grow denser, and Yang began to work her way to the left. She was getting uneasy. She continued forward for some minutes, trusting in her Huntress training (and plenty of times getting lost in the woods around her father’s cabin). The cold was starting to seep in through her jacket, and she was starting to lose feeling in her nose. Yang kept turning to the left. She was going to need a warm shower after this. _Or, better yet, a warm body,_ Yang grinned. After all, body to body contact _was_ the best and quickest way to avoid hypothermia. She hoped Blake would agree—in the name of science, of course.

Yang sighed dreamily, the warm memory of Blake Belldonna helping stave off the cold a little. She still couldn’t figure out what, exactly, entranced her so much about the Faunus. Yang knew she still liked boys. She’d only had two male lovers in her life, and they had ranged from fair to excellent. But Blake was different, and it wasn’t just because she was another woman. Maybe it was because Blake was every bit as tough a fighter as Yang. Maybe because it was because both of them had lost so much to the endless war with Salem, and to the murderous Adam Taurus. Maybe it was because Blake was young and Yang was young and they were in a desperate conflict, one which could end those young lives at any time.

Yang found herself feeling a bit sleepy. _Gods,_ she thought with alarm, rubbing her eyes, _maybe it_ is _the Apathy. Well, you’re not getting me this time, you spooky, scary skeletons!_ She remembered the feeling at Brunswick Farms, the dull feeling that nothing really mattered, not even the Relic, and that everything would be just fine if she just laid down and went to sleep…

_Stop that!_ Yang commanded herself, painfully slapping her own cheek. _Think about something else. Something awesome. Like sex. Yeah, the Apathy can’t stop sexy thoughts, can they?_ Yang smiled. _Heh. I wonder if me and Blake had gotten frisky that night, if the Apathy wouldn’t have affected us? Probably not, but why take chances?_

She started to wonder if she was walking in circles; she’d heard her dad tell her about people who had gotten hopelessly lost in the forest, only to find later they’d be traversing the same ground over and over without realizing it. The fatigue nagged at her, so Yang focused herself. _Think about…yeah. Think about the Bellabooty._

That was something to think about, indeed. Yang regarded herself as a connoisseur of rear ends; she admired them on males and females equally. Blake had the finest butt Yang had ever seen, including her own. There was just something about its tightness, and how it moved underneath her battle outfit—any one of them. And also how it looked when a panting, horny Blake pulled down those tight white pants, slowly exposing those perfect half-globes.

The fog grew still denser, far more dense than Yang or Atlas had ever experienced. Yang barely noticed. Part of her brain did, and rang alarm bells that she was in danger, but the other part of Yang’s brain—represented by a naked Blake at this point—kicked the first part to the curb, tied it up, and gagged it. Yang, when she needed all five of her senses (well, maybe not taste) the most, paid no attention to them. 

She was to pay for it dearly.

Out of the fog loomed a shape. Yang, lost in a dream of Blake slowly peeling down her pants and panties, her breasts swinging free, her tongue lolling out in hopeless abandon, absently put her hands out, her remaining logical synapses telling her that this was the best way to get someone’s attention before she froze to death, and the rest of her lust-addled brain praying it was Blake’s butt. Instinctively, that is to say without thinking, Yang reached forward and grabbed. Too late, she realized a few other things: the figure was shorter than Blake, it was wearing a dress, and that the long, braided hair was not Blake’s black hair somehow turned white by the fog, but white hair period.

_“WHAT THE HELL?!”_ Weiss Schnee exploded, as she felt two cold hands grab both cheeks of her rear end through the dress. Also acting instinctively, without thinking, she whirled and drove a fist right between Yang’s eyes. Yang put up no defense: she had been wrenched from a pleasant dream about the Bellabooty, to find herself with a handful of very upset former heiress. Yang dropped like an unstrung puppet to the steel floor of the landing pad and stayed there.

“Weiss, what’s going on?” Ruby stumbled next to Weiss through the fog.

Weiss knelt. Yang lay spreadeagled on the steel, blood trickling from her nose. Weiss’ punch had been enough to get through her Aura. “I think I killed Yang.” 

Blake slid over to them; the metal was frozen and slick. She checked to see if Yang’s heart was beating by putting her head to her lover’s chest. “She’s still breathing.”

Yang blinked. She was too good of a fighter not to be cold-cocked that easily, and Blake’s warm body wasn’t hurting either. She looked up at Weiss. “Why did you sock me?”

“Because you grabbed my butt, you pervert!”

Ruby snorted with laughter. Blake helped Yang to her unsteady feet. “You must’ve circled back around to us,” she explained. “This fog closed in so fast…you must’ve gotten disoriented.”

“It’s not natural,” Yang said, shaking her head to clear the cobwebs.

“This happens sometimes,” Weiss replied. She raised Myrtenaster and lit the tip with fire Dust. It provided a beacon to the nearest entrance. “It’ll clear off by morning.”

“But it’s so dense…”

Weiss thought about comparing the fog to Yang’s skull, but given that she’d just tried to punch _through_ that skull, it probably wasn’t appropriate. “It’s a meteorlogical anomaly. Nothing supernatural.”

Blake put Yang’s real arm over her shoulder. “You’re freezing. Let’s get you back to the dorm and into a shower. That’ll warm you up.”

Yang still felt a little woozy, from a combination of cold, the remnants of her daydream, and Weiss’ megaton punch. “I’ll warm up even faster if you climb in there with me.” They reached the door, which Ruby was holding open. At Yang’s words, her little sister looked nauseated. Weiss rolled her eyes.

The Faunus smiled and gave Yang a quick peck on the cheek. “I suppose that can be arranged.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best effort, I admit, but I'm not trying to win a Hugo or anything. Besides, Blake's butt is always good for a sexy joke or two.


	7. Gone Fishin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Ghira and Kali Belladonna's honeymoon. After a long night of making love, Kali's hungry and decides to go catch some dinner.
> 
> Unfortunately for her, a giant great white shark decides to do the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how many will agree, but Jaws is totally a horror movie. 
> 
> This may not be as over the top humorous as the last few chapters (or the next one), but it's kind of romantic--and maybe a little scary along the way.

Kali Belladonna woke up to the sound of her growling stomach. She rolled over and poked her newly-wed husband Ghira in the ribs. “Ghiiiirrraaaa…” she said playfully.

He didn’t move, but another poke finally woke him, at least partially. “Mrrgh.”

“I’m hunnnngry.”

“Mrrgh.” Ghira still didn’t move.

She finally kicked him in the thigh. “Make me breakfast!” she demanded.

“Get it yourself, woman,” he rumbled, and turned over.

“Fine, I will.” She slid out of bed, dressed only in a black yukata and her earrings. Ghira grumbled something unintelligble and pulled the covers back over himself. She walked to the door of the little honeymoon cottage. “I’m going to go swimming!” she announced.

“Great,” Ghira replied, muffled by the covers.

“And I’m going to catch a big tuna for breakfast!”

“Yep.”

“And I’m going to be _naaaaked!”_ Kali untied the belt on her yukata and let it fall. She wore not a stitch beneath. She turned and wiggled her very shapely rear at him.

Ghira just raised a hand. “Have fun,” he said sleepily, and rolled over again.

Kali looked back at him, her smile replaced by a sour expression. “Dork.” She grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen cabinet, opened the front door, and stomped out onto the sand. She was still very nude, but there wasn’t anyone for miles around this part of Menagerie. It wasn’t cold; in fact, the air was warm, even though it was still dark. She strode across the sand and reached the surf. She spared one last glance back at the cottage, and smiled again. “Well, you’re a dork, Ghira, but you’re _my_ dork.” Kali had seen him at a dance, and from that moment, knew he would be hers. It had taken a few months for the smitten, tongue-tied Ghira to finally marry her, but here they were, at last.

She stepped into the warm surf, and hesitated, torn between going after their breakfast, or going back and jumping Ghira’s bones for the third time this night. _Wait, three times?_ she asked herself. _Gods. No wonder he’s tired. Even his stamina can’t keep up with that._ She shrugged happily and dived into the water. _Better give him a rest._

Kali swam out into deeper water. Luckily, the tide was gentle; she wouldn’t have to worry about riptides or other dangerous water. Despite the jokes about cats and water, Kali loved swimming, and she was one of the best on Menagerie. Though usually she wore a swimsuit, this wasn’t the first time she’d gone skinny-dipping. Kali felt a bit of an erotic thrill doing it. The warm water sluiced along her sides and felt good against her skin. Again, and knowing that being naked in the water was kind of turning her on, she considered swimming back and waking Ghira; she knew he would be definitely up for _that,_ in more ways than one. Then her stomach growled again, and Kali decided first things first. She took a breath, jammed the knife between her teeth, and dived. The salt stung her eyes as she looked for prey.

* * *

Far below, something stirred in the deep. Smaller fish fled in terror as it swam towards the surface, attracted by something larger than the average snack. It was huge, this great white shark, over twenty feet in length and armed with a mouth full of razor teeth. It swam quickly upwards, its shape the most perfect hydrodynamic killing machine. For all its lethality and size, however, the shark wasn’t too intelligent, and its tiny brain only recognized a shadow above it as it swam closer.

* * *

Kali surfaced, took the knife out of her mouth, and took a breath of air. She thought she saw a tuna down there, and maybe a flounder. She preferred the former, but any fish would be nice. Kali considered which she wanted as she treaded water.

* * *

The shark changed course as it saw its prey surface. Its eyesight was not much better than its brain, so it assumed that the shadow was a sea lion. Or perhaps it was a large seal. Either way, it would be tasty. The shark wasn’t terribly picky.

* * *

Kali stuck her face below the water to see if she could see the tuna again, and she choked back a scream as she saw the cavernous mouth filled with butcher knives opening, opening for her. She threw herself backwards; the mouth chomped down on empty water. 

She dived as she hit the water, swimming as hard as she could, going deeper. The shark spotted the movement and dived after her. Kali knew she was vastly outmatched: the shark was easily twice both her size and speed; if she swam for the shore, it would at least bite off a leg before she reached it. Yelling for help would do even less good; Ghira would never hear her. 

She couldn’t run, and there was no one to help. Kali kicked for the surface, the knife in one hand. She would fight.

The shark saw her heading for the surface and climbed as well, to cut her off, its mouth opening again. Kali’s head broke water for only a moment, long enough to get a quick breath of air and clamp the knife back in her mouth, and then she waited an agonizing extra second. As the jaws clamped shut again, she dodged, but only barely, enough that one of the razor-sharp teeth grazed her ankle, drawing blood. Kali suppressed a gasp of pain and punched the shark in the eye. It might not have been the brightest fish in the ocean, but the shark reacted to pain and turned away. At that moment, Kali raked her claws just above its gills, dug into the shark’s tough skin, and held on. 

The shark dived, but Kali held on fast, knowing that to let go was certain death. She dug in her feet and straddled the shark’s upper body, then pulled the knife from her teeth and stabbed straight downwards. The shark thrashed, trying to shake her off, but Kali stabbed again and again, with everything she had, even as it twisted, rolled, dived, and climbed to rid itself of its attacker. If its brain could register something like it, the shark was panicking, suddenly the prey. 

After what felt like a dozen stabs, the shark’s thrashing became slower, and after around the fifteenth, it stopped moving entirely. Kali skewered it again, just one more time to be sure. Around them, the water was crimson. 

The great shark was dead.

And so was she. 

Kali realized that she’d exhausted herself in the death struggle with the shark, and now she was easily fifteen feet below the surface. The shark’s corpse drifted, but unable to muster the strength to kick to the surface, she began to sink. The knife fell from nerveless fingers, and Kali, her air reserves gone and her lungs feeling like they were on fire, reached for the surface and the moon so far away now. _I’m sorry, Ghira,_ she cried, her tears mixing with the water. _I love you._

As the blackness of unconsciousness crowded her vision, there was a splash above her. At first she thought it was another shark; they surely would’ve been drawn by the blood. Then a large hand grabbed hers, and the water roiled around her as powerful legs dragged her to the surface. She broke through and gulped air for all she was worth, then choked as salt water came in as well. She clung to chest hair and beard, and knew then it was Ghira.

He pulled her ashore, where she spit up the water she’d swallowed, and flopped on the sand as she drank in wonderful oxygen. He watched her carefully, holding her hand. He noticed the cut. “Stay here,” he ordered, and dashed back to the cottage. Seemingly seconds later, he was back beside her, putting a bandage on her ankle. “Dammit, Kali,” he said as he taped the bandage on. “You’ve could’ve been killed!”

“I would’ve been if it wasn’t for you.” She hugged him tight, shaking in post-combat reaction and fear. “I’m sorry, Ghira. I’m so sorry.” She wiped the tears from her face. “Swimming alone, at night…I just…I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Neither do I.” He kissed her hair. “How could I resist such a beautiful sight? I’m a fool.” He stared down, smiling at her. She blushed, realizing she was still naked—though now she was covered in wet sand, traces of blood still on her hands, the shark’s skin beneath her claws. He put his huge arms around her. “Please don’t do that ever again, Kali. I just found you; don’t make me lose you.”

“I won’t. I swear I won’t. I'm so sorry, Ghira.” She dried her tears in his beard. It was trimmed short, and she resolved to tell him to grow it out again. Ghira was a cat Faunus, like her, but sometimes he seemed more like a bear. She liked it. 

They held each other for awhile, and then she pulled back. “Let me wash this sand off.” She waded into the shallows. He followed, and helped wash the sand off of her. She noticed he’d managed to put some shorts on somewhere between her leaving and him rescuing her. Kali reached up, drew him down to her—Ghira was much taller than she was—and kissed him. This was not a happy-to-be-alive kiss, but a put-a-baby-in-me kiss. Ghira looked at her, astounded. “Kali?”

“Yes?” She reached out, grabbed the waistband of his shorts, and pulled them down over his thick thighs. 

“You almost just died! And now you want to make love…again?”

“I want to make sure that this is real, and I’m not still out there, drowning,” she said softly. “Don’t you want me?”

Ghira picked her up like she was a stuffed toy and spun her around. “Hell yes, I do!” She laughed and kissed him again. She loved kissing him, even if she did get beard in her mouth sometimes. He held her, she tucked her feet around his back, and shuddered as he began kissing her neck. “Oooh, Ghira, yeah, I like…” Her voice trailed off, then suddenly she gripped his shoulders enough to hurt. “Ghira! Ghira, look!”

“I’m busy, woman!”

“Dammit, you horny bastard! _Look!”_

Ghira thought Kali had some nerve calling _him_ horny, but he turned around to look, mainly to shut her up so he could get back to work making her yowl. But then he saw it.

The dead shark had washed ashore. 

He put her down, and they both raced towards the corpse. He grabbed it and dragged it further onto the sand, so the tide would not take it back to the sea. They marveled at its size, from the huge tail, to its fin, to the teeth that had nearly taken her life. 

Kali looked at Ghira over the dead shark. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

He nodded. “We’re going to need a bigger grill.”

* * *

“And that day, we had a shark barbecue,” Kali said with a sigh. Then she blushed. “And that night…” She reached up and rubbed one of Blake’s ears, which twitched in irritation. “We made a beautiful baby.”

Blake covered her eyes in embarrassment. “Mom, please…”

Yang Xiao Long grinned. “That was _badass!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Given that Kali and Blake in the DC Comic Series go hunting tuna in swimsuits, armed with nothing but a stick and a net--after doing an Acapulco cliff dive into the water--Kali swimming naked and hunting tuna with a knife is not beyond the realm of possibility. 
> 
> You don't mess with Mama Belladonna. (Or Papa.)


	8. It's a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emerald and Mercury are feeling lonely. So what's a pair of teenagers to do when they get lonely? Get frisky! Even Evernight Castle has some good makeout spots.
> 
> Of course, there's a problem with teenagers making out in a horror fic anthology...it tends to attract the wrong kind of people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch ch ch ah ah ah...

Salem’s realm was a dreary hellscape dominated by GRIMM, where the sun never shone and even the air seemed a dark purple. This didn’t mean there weren’t places to make out, however.

And that’s exactly what Emerald Sustrai and Mercury Black were doing. 

It should have come as no surprise to either of them. They’d been together for quite a long time, thrown together by Cinder Fall and circumstance. At first, they hadn’t really gotten along, and Mercury, though he found Emerald very attractive, thought she had eyes only for Cinder. To a certain extent, that was true, but after Cinder had disappeared fighting Raven Branwen, Emerald found herself looking not so much for Mr. Right, but Mr. Right Now. It wasn’t like she found Mercury _un_ attractive. 

And so, with no one else to turn to, and no one else with the same shared experience, Emerald and Mercury began dating, as much as one could date in a realm of darkness ruled by an evil, undead witch.

They had found a spot that was pretty good for their quiet hookups: a hollow near the stairway leading to the Evernight Castle. It was close enough to the castle that they could get back in a hurry if they needed to, secluded enough that the Grimm didn’t notice them, and far enough from the castle that the two other people in residence there—Hazel Rainart and Salem herself—wouldn’t catch them with their pants down, as it were.

At the moment, Emerald didn’t have her pants down, but she did have her top off as Mercury played idly with her breasts. “You have the cutest little tits,” he mused between kisses.

“I’m glad you like them.” Emerald wasn’t all that thrilled with Mercury’s tendency towards using slang for her various body parts, but one made do with the material available.

“How do you keep these from falling out in combat?” Mercury asked.

“Double-backed tape and pure luck.” Emerald giggled. “Besides, if they _did_ fall out, they’d distract the hell out of our enemies, right? That Jaune dude would totally fall over his sword.”

“He does that anyway. Might make Blondie drool, though—I understand she bats for the other team, if you know what I mean.” Mercury still needed to get Yang Xiao Long back for breaking a leg and making him look dumb at Haven.

Emerald playfully slapped his shoulder. “So do I, you asshole.”

He kissed her nose. “Not at the moment.”

She shrugged as he began unzipping her pants. “I’m a switch hitter.”

Mercury laughed as he helped her shimmy out of the tight pants. She pulled his shirt off over his head and licked his chest. He looked down. “Green panties? Really?”

“What? They match my hair.”

“Not down there they don’t.” 

“You’re such a dick.” She nuzzled at his neck. “Now get your pants off so I can see your shiny metal ass.”

“Hey!” Mercury protested. “I do _not_ have a metal ass! I just have metal legs!”

“Do you have a metal schlong?” Emerald knew he didn’t—although they hadn’t gone all the way yet, she’d seen him showering—but she felt like teasing him. They didn’t get a chance to laugh much these days.

“ _No,”_ Mercury snapped.

“Awww.” She pulled his pants down to his knees, then slipped her hands beneath the waistband of his pants. Mercury gave a start; Emerald’s hands were cold. She kissed his chest again; her lips were _not_ cold. “That’s too bad. I thought you might have a vibration function.”

He pulled her face close to his. “Do you like vibration functions?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Do you have toys?”

“I sure do _ooo!”_ She jumped as _his_ fingers went beneath the waistband of her panties. 

Their banter ceased as both pressed their bodies against each other, fingers and tongues finding the right spots. Mercury was the more skilled, and Emerald was soon breathing hard, her hands withdrawn to grasp him around the shoulders. Her eyes opened as she felt herself getting close. “Ohh, Mercury…” Then she saw a shadow loom out of the purple dark. “ _Mercury!”_

“Yeah, that’s it, babe…” Mercury said. “Say my name…”

“ _Move!”_ She shoved him to one side, rolling them both out of their hollow. Mercury was about to yell at her when a machete slammed into the ground where they had been, pinning his shirt to the ground. 

The figure that stood over them was easily as big as Hazel. He wore the half-rotted remains of a shirt, dark pants that had seen better days, and a battered and holed jacket that looked moth-eaten. That was not the most disconcerting thing about him: a hockey mask covered his features, except for stringy hairs that stuck out from either side. As they watched in stunned horror, he slowly reached down and pulled the machete out of the ground.

Mercury stuck his hands out defensively and began pulling up his pants. “Hey, buddy…take it easy, huh? Let me just get my pants back on, and…” He then leveled one of his boots and fired. The shotgun shell inside of them hit the man high in the chest and drove him backwards—but didn’t knock him down. Emerald took advantage of the moment, rolled back into the hollow, and grabbed her pistols. 

The man turned back to them. Aside from the smoking hole in his chest that would’ve killed a human being, he seemed no worse for wear. Mercury scrambled to his feet as the figure raised the machete.

Emerald cocked both hammers on her pistols and fired. The bullets struck him in the chest, but once more, it barely slowed him down. 

“Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Mercury yelled, grabbed Emerald, and hauled her to her feet. They scrambled up the stairs. They glanced behind him: the killer was following them, with a slow methodical walk that was unnerving. 

“What the hell _is_ this guy?” Emerald wanted to know. She shot him twice more, which had progressively less effect. He continued to go up the steps.

“Maybe he’s a Grimm!” Mercury somersaulted, firing his other boot as he did so. The shot made the man miss a step, stagger down one, but then he resumed his slow climb.

“Doesn’t look like one!” Emerald fired, missed. “I think he’s a zombie or something!” She’d heard tales of the undead, but aside from Salem—who was only technically undead; she still lived, just couldn’t be killed—didn’t believe in them. Until now, anyway.

“Use your Semblance, stupid!” Mercury shouted. “Give me a second to reload!”

“Kiss my ass!” she yelled back, but realized that her Semblance might be their only chance. Mercury didn’t have one. She concentrated, and a Beringal appeared in front of the killer. It snarled at him, but the man merely slashed with the machete, decapitating the illusion. “Oh shit!” she screamed. “Didn’t even faze him!”

They were nearly to the castle now, though the figure was still following them up the steps. The heavy doors swung open, and to Emerald’s and Mercury’s relief—and neither had thought they would ever feel this way—it was Salem. She took in their state of undress with a smirk—Mercury had his pants on, at least, but Emerald was naked except for the green panties—and motioned them behind her. Once they were, she descended the steps. “Are you fucking _crazy?”_ Mercury shouted at her.

She stopped in front of the killer, who barely paused. He leveled the machete and stabbed her between the breasts, the blade protruding a good half-foot from her back. Salem’s only acknowledgement of having three feet of tempered steel shoved through her chest was a grunt. The man actually seemed taken aback at that, even surprised. She gently gripped his gloved hand, and pulled the machete out of her body; the wound closed behind it. “Hello,” she said evenly. “You must be Jason Voorhees. Are you here for the job opening?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salem *was* getting low on employees...
> 
> And for those of you that wanted to see a Mercury/Emerald pairing over in "Love Hurts"...well, here you go. (For now.)


	9. Pyrrha of the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pyrrha is enjoying a quiet day at the dorm when Nora bursts in, terrified. A zombie apocalypse has broken out at Beacon Academy. Jaune's trapped with Weiss. Weiss is infected. Ren is gone on a trip. Team RWBY is in Vale. They're alone.
> 
> Luckily, Pyrrha has a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nope, no Ghost Pyrrha in this one (that's in a later chapter), but you've probably figured out by now which movie this is parodying.

Pyrrha Nikos was humming happily to herself, sharpening Milo, and thinking about her upcoming prom date with Jaune. She lost herself in the daydream of Jaune taking her back to the dorm room after the dance, then kissing her deeply, pushing the thin straps of her red dress off her shoulders…

_“PYRRHA!”_

Pyrrha screamed and threw Milo into the ceiling. Nora slammed the door behind her, eyes wide, her hands against the door as if trying to keep it shut. “Nora!” Pyrrha exclaimed, getting to her feet. “What on Remnant is wrong?”

Nora was pale—paler than usual. “Zombies!”

Pyrrha reached up and tugged Milo from the ceiling. “Zombies?”

“You don’t know what zombies are?” Pyrrha shook her head; she didn’t watch scary movies. “The undead! Ghouls! People who die and get up and kill, and those they kill get up and kill!” Nora twisted her hands nervously. “If they bite someone, it kills the person they bite…and then those people become zombies! The only way you can kill them is to smash in their heads or cut ‘em off!”

“Oh, dear,” Pyrrha said worriedly. “Where’s Jaune and Ren?”

“Ren’s on his way back from that exercise out by Mountain Glenn,” Nora replied, the worry in her face. “He’s on a Bullhead…he should be safe. I’ll call him on my Scroll. Jaune’s over in Team RWBY’s room.”

“That’s just right across the hall,” Pyrrha said. She grabbed Akouo, tightening the straps around her wrist. “If what you’re saying is right, we need to get the teams together.”

Nora shook her head, as she locked the door and went over to her bed. She knelt and pulled Magnhild from under the bed. “I’m not sure the hallways are safe!”

“There’s zombies in the hallways?”

“Yeah. I mean, I saw Coco Adel—she was infected! She was trying to gnaw off May Zedong’s face!” She shuddered. “And Cardin…Cardin was staggering around and moaning!”

Pyrrha had the thought that Cardin becoming a zombie wasn’t exactly a bad thing, but she shook that off; that wasn’t very nice, even if the bastard deserved it. _Easy, Pyrrha,_ she told herself. “All right. We need a plan.”

Nora pulled over a chair and sat in it, guarding the door, her hammer held in both hands. “Okay, boss girl. What should we do?” Technically, until Jaune returned, Pyrrha was next in line for command.

Pyrrha opened her mouth to speak, but her Scroll rang. She stabbed Milo into the floor, reached into a pocket of her skirt, and pulled it out. “Hello?”

“Pyrrha?” It was Jaune’s voice. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, Jaune. Nora and I are not infected, if that’s what you’re asking about.”

“That’s good. Listen, I’ll be over as soon as I can…Weiss is sick.”

Pyrrha almost dropped the Scroll in shock. Nora’s eyebrows rose questioningly. She covered the Scroll with a hand, and mouthed _Weiss is sick._ Nora’s face fell and tears welled in her eyes. They had stared off disliking the frosty Schnee heiress, but Weiss had proven herself a good warrior and become a good friend. “Jaune, where’s the rest of Team RWBY?”

“They’re in Vale,” Jaune answered. “At some place called Junior’s Club.”

“That bar that’s off-limits?”

“Yeah. I guess Yang took them there. I came over to ask Weiss something, and she’s sick,” he repeated.

The icy fingers of fear and disappointment gripped Pyrrha. Fear, because an infected Weiss might’ve bitten Jaune, and disappointment, because he probably went over to ask her to the dance. She shook those thoughts away too. The dance was very secondary to whatever this zombie apocalypse was that Nora had witnessed. “Jaune, are you…are _you_ sick?”

“Huh? Oh, no, I’m okay. Weiss isn’t looking too good, though…she’s pale and moaning.”

Nora balanced Magnhild against the door and went over to Pyrrha’s side. “What’s going on?” she whispered. 

Pyrrha put her hand over the Scroll once more. “Jaune’s all right. We may have to kill Weiss.” 

“Dammit,” Nora breathed. 

Pyrrha spoke into the Scroll again. “Jaune, stay where you are. We’ll come to you.”

“Uh, Pyr, that’s not really necessary—“

“ _We’re coming to get you, Jaune!”_ Nora shouted. Pyrrha closed the Scroll with determination, put it away, and hefted Milo. Then she hesitated. “We probably need some sort of plan.”

Nora went back, sat down, and grabbed her hammer. “I’m listening.”

“Right.” Pyrrha motioned with her spear. “We unlock the door, we go over to Team RWBY’s, we go in, we take care of Weiss—“ she had the mental image of stabbing an undead Weiss through the eye “—then we meet up with Jaune, hole up there, have a cup of tea, and wait for all this to blow over.”

“What if Jaune’s infected?” Nora asked. She loved Jaune like a brother, but she’d seen enough zombie movies to know that just because someone _said_ they weren’t infected, didn’t mean they weren’t. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Pyrrha answered.

“Even though he dumped you for Weiss?”

“Because I _love him!”_ Pyrrha shouted.

Nora jumped at the vehemence in her voice. “Okay…gods…” She twirled Magnhild in thought. “I’m not staying at Team RWBY’s, though.”

“Why not?”

“If we hole up,” Nora said, ticking off the points on her fingers, “I want to be somewhere familiar, I want to know where the exits are, and I want to be allowed to drink coffee. And what about Ren? He should be getting back here any second!”

“Nora, you’ve been over to Team RWBY’s thousands of times! And I’m sure they have coffee.” Pyrrha knew that Team RWBY were big coffee drinkers—only Weiss was truly a morning person among them.

“They locked up the coffee. There’s also the fact that Weiss’ dead body will be there,” Nora pointed out.

“Okay, okay…” Pyrrha gave it some thought. “We go ‘round Team RWBY’s, go in, deal with Weiss—“ another mental image, this time of Nora staving in Weiss’ skull with her hammer “—grab Jaune, go to the Bullhead pad, pick up Ren, bring them back here, have a cup of tea, and wait for all this to blow over.”

“Perfect!” Nora proclaimed.

Pyrrha smiled, then it faded as soon as it appeared. “No, no…we can’t bring them back here.”

“Why not?”

“Well, if Beacon is being overrun by zombies, it’s not exactly safe, is it?”

Nora sighed. “Yeah…that’s true.”

Pyrrha leaned Milo against her bed and massaged her temples. “Where’s safe…where’s familiar…”

“Where can I drink coffee?” Suddenly Nora’s eyes lit up. “Pyrrha, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“I think so, Nora!” Pyrrha had gotten the same idea as she had. “We’ll go to Team RWBY’s, kill Weiss—“ this time, the mental image was stabbing _and_ bashing poor Weiss “—grab Jaune, grab Ren, go to Junior’s Club, link up with Team RWBY…er, Team RBY…have a nice cold Strawberry Sunrise, and wait for all this to blow over.” She grinned. “How’s that for a slice of fried gold?” She had no idea what that term meant, but she’d heard Velvet use it once. She grabbed Milo.

“Yeah, Pyr!” Nora jumped up and clinked Magnhild against Milo. The two girls nodded, and now set with a plan, advanced on the door. They nearly jumped out the window when someone—or _something_ —began hammering against it. Nora looked at Pyrrha. “No mercy. No prisoners,” she said grimly.

“Nora? Pyrrha?” It was Ren’s voice.

Nora dropped her hammer and dashed to the door. Pyrrha held out a hand. “Wait!” she whispered. “What if he’s infected?”

Nora gulped nervously and nodded. “Renny…” she said, biting back a sob, “are you…sick?”

“No.” Ren sounded a bit perplexed.

“Have you been…y’know…bitten?”

“That’s a strange question,” Ren replied. “No, Nora.”

Nora blew out her breath. “Whew.” She quickly unlocked the door, opened it just enough to jerk Ren inside, and slammed it shut again. He looked very confused. Both Stormflower pistols were holstered, which didn’t make any sense—if Beacon was overrun with zombies, then logically, Pyrrha thought, he would’ve had to fight his way to the dorm. He stared at both of them. “What’s going on?”

Nora grabbed his hands. “Zombies. You didn’t see any?”

Ren laughed. “Zombies? No, Nora. You’ve been watching too many bad movies again.” He pulled away from here to go put his pistols away. 

“But…but I saw Cardin…”

“Oh, that,” Ren said. “Yes, Professor Goodwitch wanted me to ask you—both of you. Did either of you eat the ham salad for lunch?” Both girls shook their head. “Ah, good. Apparently the meat spoiled. Cardin got food poisoning. He was headed towards the infirmary when I saw him.”

Pyrrha blinked. She remembered Weiss had eaten the ham salad as well. “I think we screwed up,” she told Nora. “Weiss probably has food poisoning too.”

“It doesn’t make sense!” Nora shrilled. “Okay, food poisoning, maybe. But I saw Coco eating May’s face!”

“You saw them making out,” Ren corrected her. “I saw the same thing. Truly they need to get a room.”

Nora went down and sat on her bed. “So…there’s no zombie apocalypse?”

Ren sat next to her and hugged her, chuckling. “No, Nora. Zombies aren’t real.” Pyrrha set down her weapons and sat opposite Ren, putting a friendly arm around her. He took her hands again. “Nora, I want you to be honest with me.”

She wiped her eyes. “Uh-huh.”

“Just how much coffee _have_ you had today?”


	10. Cinder's Exorcises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salem is gloating about how well her plans are proceeding after the Fall of Beacon. But Cinder Fall is acting strangely. She's acting...kind of happy?
> 
> And she's baking a cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, the title isn't a misspelling...it reveals what movie this is sort of ripping off.
> 
> A somewhat funny chapter, then it gets either horrific or awesome, depending on your point of view.

Salem the Witch was having a pretty good day.

For months, since the Fall of Beacon, she had made her plans. Beacon was gone, and with it Ozpin. Now she intended to move against her second target, Haven. _This one should prove even easier than Beacon,_ she thought. At Haven, the headmaster was already on her side: Leonardo Lionheart might be a cowardly lion, but she had broken him to her will. Arthur Watts, her most brilliant minion, was there to make sure Lionheart didn’t have a sudden attack of conscience. There were few if any Huntsmen or Huntresses to stand in her way any longer, and if this small band of students—this Team RNJR or whatever they were calling themselves now—got in her way, they were a minor irritant at worst. Atlas was walling itself off from the world. Finally, she’d allied herself with the White Fang, and if the somewhat less bonkers Sienna Khan had met the wrong end of the quite bonkers Adam Taurus’ sword, that was still all to the good.

And best of all, Salem smiled, she had the Fall Maiden. Cinder Fall had killed Amber, absorbing her power, then killed Ozpin and finished off her one rival for the Maiden power, the heroic but simpleminded Pyrrha Nikos. True, there was the fact that this Ruby Rose had silver eyes, which could be a real problem, but Cinder’s obsession with killing Ruby—in revenge for losing an arm and an eye—would take care of that problem as well.

Salem practically skipped down the hallway, thinking about how well her plans were going. Which probably meant there was something about to go wrong, but she couldn’t for the unlife of her think what it would be. She was about to allow herself an evil laugh when she smelled something, a smell drifting on the draft of the hallway. Salem did not truly need to eat, since she was immortal and somewhat undead, but she did enjoy the action, and something _really_ smelled good. Curious, she began to walk towards the kitchen. These days, either Emerald Sustrai or Hazel Rainart did the cooking. 

Salem walked into the kitchen, and her mouth fell open in shock. It wasn’t Emerald or Hazel, it was Cinder.

The Fall Maiden was bent over the oven, pulling something from it. She was wearing her usual red cheongsam, but with an apron over it reading DO NOT KILL THE COOK, and oven mitts over both her human and Grimm hands. She turned, blew gently on what looked to be a cake, then carefully set it down on the kitchen table. Noticing Salem, she smiled and gave a small bow. “Good afternoon, Mistress Salem.”

This was odd, Salem mused. Cinder had been more irascible than normal lately, constantly badgering the witch to go after the silver-eyed brat. And as far as Salem knew, Cinder didn’t cook; she’d actually seemed hostile to the idea when Emerald had asked her to join her in doing so. She certainly was not known to hum a little tune as she puttered around the kitchen, looking for frosting.

“Cinder,” she began, for once a little unsure of what to say, “what are you doing?”

“I’m baking a cake,” Cinder replied, as if Cinder Fall baked cakes every day.

“I…I see,” Salem said, at length. “Why?”

“I felt like it.” She reached into a battered cabinet, pulled out a cake knife, and sliced off a piece. Then she found some chipped china, and put the piece on it. “Please, have some, Mistress Salem. There’s no frosting, I’m afraid, but I think you’ll find it good even without it.”

Salem hesitatingly picked up the cake. It smelled heavenly, and she tasted it; it tasted just as good as it smelled. She ate the rest of it, and couldn’t resist licking her fingers. “Is it good?” Cinder asked.

“It _is_ good,” Salem confirmed. “May I have another slice?” She didn’t know why she was asking; it was her castle, after all—she could just take one. Still, a little bit of the old courtly graces existed in Salem. 

“Certainly!” Cinder cut her another slice, and it was just as good as the first, with a slight kick to it, like spice cake. “I can make more!”

Something still did not seem right, however. Cinder Fall was happy, even enthusiastic, as she got out the box of cake batter—where she’d found it, Salem had no idea, but Hazel did the shopping. Salem decided to test the Fall Maiden. “This piece is barely adequate,” the witch said. “The first piece was excellent…this, not so much. I think you used the wrong spice.” She went to grab the cake. “I’ll throw this out so you can do a better job this time.”

“You mean…it’s not very good after all?” Cinder’s lower lip trembled, and she suddenly bent over and began bawling. “Oh gods! I have displeased my mistress! She hates my cake! I cannot live with this shame!”

_What the hell is going on?_ Salem thought. Cinder was slowly falling to her knees, wailing. “Cinder!” Salem exclaimed. “The cake is fine. It’s fine! I was merely testing you.”

Cinder rose up, her head sticking above the table. “You were?” she sniffled.

“Yes. I must do that now and then, as you know.”

“Oh.” Cinder jumped to her feet, dusted off the knees of her cheongsam, and grinned. Salem blinked in surprise. Cinder smiled, Cinder smirked, but Cinder didn’t grin. She immediately went back to the stove, heating it up again, then set out a pot, putting cooking oil in it. Cinder continued to hum happily as the eye of the stove began to glow orange. Salem continued to stare at her in shock, even as she ate another piece of the spice cake. 

Suddenly it came to Salem, and it hit her like a thunderbolt. “You!” she shouted. Cinder turned around, her eyebrow raised in question. “You are _not_ Cinder Fall! Who are you, and what have you done…with…” Salem suddenly felt her stomach spasm. She dropped the half-eaten piece of cake, and now it was the Queen of the Grimm that fell to her knees, doubled over, as pain swept through her body. “What…what is happening…”

“What is happening?” Cinder’s voice had lost its happy sound; now it was more like her normal one, mocking and haughty. “What is happening, ‘Mistress’ Salem, is that I put deadly nightshade in the cake. While you may not be able to die, the poison _can_ incapacitate you.”

“Temporarily,” Salem said, through gritted teeth. She struggled to cast a spell, racked with torture. “Who the hell _are_ you?" she repeated.

Cinder grabbed the pot of now burning cooking oil, and heated it even further with her Maiden powers. Salem looked at her, and Cinder’s remaining eye seemed to change. She set the pot on the table, reached up, and pulled the black tresses back into a ponytail, exposing the ruin of her left eye, the malevolent hatred that burned within, and the horrible burns across the left side of her face. “I am no longer _just_ Cinder, Salem,” she said in a voice that was not Cinder’s, and yet was.

“Then who are you?”

Cinder grabbed the pot and flung the cooking oil in Salem’s face. The witch screamed in agony. It would heal completely, but it would take a few minutes, and in the meantime, it felt as if her skin was melting off--which part of it was. 

The Fall Maiden laughed as Salem writhed, her hands clapped to her sizzling face. “You can call me _Pyrrha,_ you bitch,” she cackled. _“Pyrrha Nikos!”_ The witch’s moans of pain followed Pyrrha/Cinder as she walked out of the kitchen, towards the Evernight Castle’s entrance, laughing all the way, the castle burning behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who wanted sweet, sweet revenge on Cinder, Pyrrha delivered quite sweetly, methinks.


	11. A Patch Werewolf in Atlas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blake comes back to the dorm at Atlas Academy to find Weiss and Ruby gone, and Yang crying. Yang was bitten in a dark alley by someone who was howling at the moon. Has she become a werewolf, and will Blake have to put her best friend down before Yang kills?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally had a different chapter in mind for tonight, and actually wrote it...but after I finished, I didn't like it. It was a bit too risque, and wasn't as appropriate for this story as it would be for "Love Hurts." So I'll maybe I'll throw it over there sometime, as a "lost chapter" or something. 
> 
> That left me without an idea for tonight, but luckily, after running through some "top scary movie" charts, I remembered "An American Werewolf in London." Besides being a pretty good movie on its own, it inspired me to think about Yang being a werewolf. (Blake would be sort of redundant as one, Ruby would be like a wereterrier, and Weiss just doesn't fit the profile...though Weiss would make a pretty good vampire.) I'm glad it did, because this was a lot more fun to write.

Blake Belladonna yawned as she made her way back to the dorm room at Atlas Academy. These late night patrols were getting old, even if she did like what her new weapon was capable of. She was exhausted, and just wanted to sleep. She slumped against the wall of the elevator as it made its way up to the floor where Team RWBY’s borrowed dorm room lay.

Her Scroll beeped, and she pulled it out of a pocket, opening it. It was a message from Weiss Schnee: she was staying with her sister tonight. Blake tiredly nodded and was about to put it back when it beeped again, this time from Ruby Rose: she was staying with Penny Polendina tonight—no doubt to catch the android up on what had happened since Penny got turned into quarters. Blake shook her head at that random thought; that was just cruel.

As the elevator dinged on her floor, another sudden thought came to Blake: if Weiss and Ruby were gone, that would leave her alone with Yang Xiao Long. “Oh gods,” Blake groaned, as she shuffled towards the dorm room. Yang alone with Blake would probably mean that the blonde brawler would get rather amorous. They had been lovers for a few weeks now, but Blake just wanted to sleep. Yang was a magnificent lover, the best Blake had ever had (granted, Blake’s sexual partners equaled exactly two, and Yang was one of them), but tonight, she just needed rest. The problem was, Yang tended to be rather persuasive. _Well, I’m going to warn her,_ Blake told herself, _and if she doesn’t listen, then she can’t complain when I just lie there._

But when Blake opened the door to the dorm room, it was dark inside, and Yang was in her bed, crying. Instantly, Blake was at her side as the door slid shut behind them. “Yang!” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m in trouble, Blake,” Yang sniffled, the tears running down her face. “Big trouble.”

“Okay, okay.” The Faunus girl quickly put Gambol Shroud onto the weapons rack, took off her jacket and boots, and sat down next to her best friend, putting an arm around her. Yang jumped away. “Don’t touch me, Blake!” She curled up in a corner of the bed. “Please…don’t touch me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Blake was confused. Yang would never hurt her—not purposely. Her eyes flicked down to her friend’s artificial arm, but no weird spikes or hand cannon appeared, so apparently she hadn’t lost control of it or anything. There was no blood on her. Yang looked no different than the last time Blake had seen her, with the exception of her tear-streaked face and her tousled hair—and even her hair didn’t look _that_ different.

“Please, Yang. You have to tell what’s wrong.” Blake’s mind raced through all the possibilities. Had Yang accidentally killed someone? Did she lose her temper in Mantle? Had she hurt one of her teammates? Blake dismissed that; Weiss or Ruby would’ve said something, and she couldn’t imagine a scenario where Yang would hurt anyone in Team RWBY—or for that matter, Team JNR. Blake had the odd, tired thought that Yang was pregnant, but that made no sense either, since she had no male lovers, at least not recently—despite her bombshell appearance (or maybe because of it), Yang’s sexual experience wasn’t much more than Blake’s. And Yang was very monogamous…as far as Blake knew, anyway.

Yang wiped her tears with her real arm. “I…I got bit by something.”

Blake looked over Yang’s body again. There were no bandages anywhere. “Where?”

The other girl sighed, and lifted her shirt. Yang was dressed for bed, in her usual attire of T-shirt and shorts, and no bra. Both breasts were, as usual, quite magnificent, and despite her worry and exhaustion, Blake spared them a brief look. Then she noticed the bandage on the left breast, just above the nipple. “Something bit you…on…”

“…the boob, yeah.” She carefully peeled off the bandage. There was a little blood on the bandage, but Blake, with her night vision, could see the twin puncture marks, with the imprint of lips. She was about to ask what happened when suspicion rushed in. “Yang, what _else_ do you want to tell me?”

Yang dropped her T-shirt back over her breasts and shook her head. “I haven’t been with anyone but you, Blake. Swear to the gods. This was just…so weird. Super weird.”

Blake let out her breath in relief. She didn't really have a claim on Yang, but she felt better nonetheless. “So what happened?”

“Okay, I was coming back from sparring with Penny before she went to go hang out with Ruby, right? And I decided to take a shortcut back here after I got off the dropship from Mantle. It was kind of a dark alley…I know I shouldn’t have, but I’m a fuckmothering Huntress, y’know?” Yang shuddered. “And all of a sudden this…this _thing_ comes out of the alley! It just jumps me before I could even react or get my arms up or anything! And it bites me, right here!” She pointed to her breast. “Then it…oh gods, Blake…”

Blake reached forward and put a reassuring hand on Yang’s knee. “It’s okay, Yang. I’m here. You can tell me anything.”

“It…it _howled_ at the moon! And then it ran away before I could shoot it!”

“Did you get a glimpse of it? Anything we can use to track it down?”

Yang shook her head. “It was really dark…you know how cloudy it was tonight.” Blake nodded; a cold front was going through Atlas, and the normally bright moon was shrouded in clouds most of the time. “I think it was wearing blue jeans, I guess…and boots. But, Blake…” Yang began crying again. “It had ears like yours, and a tail!” She buried her face in her hands. “Blake, I think it was a werewolf!”

Any other time, Blake would have started laughing, but Yang seemed so serious. “Yang, werewolves aren’t real.”

Yang looked up, her eyes a shade of red. “And undead Grimm Queens and Apathy monsters aren’t real either, huh? How do we know Salem didn’t create some kind of Grimm werewolf or something?” She reached forward and grabbed Blake’s hands like a life preserver. “Oh gods, Blake…I’m gonna change. I just know it. I’m going to turn into a werewolf and try to kill all of you. I’ve read the stories. Ruby and I used to scare each other with those stories. But I can’t control it, I know I can’t!” Blake grabbed her and drew Yang into a hug. “I don’t want to hurt anybody, Blake!”

“Yang, those are just stories…” Blake couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Yang was utterly fearless, the kind of girl that would look a Beringal in the face and laugh at it, the kind that would see the Grim Reaper and give it the finger (the avatar of Death, not Maria Calavera, though Yang wouldn’t be above flipping off the latter, either). And yet here she was, crying her eyes out, convinced that she was going to become some kind of furry, uncontrollable killing machine. 

“Oh yeah?” Yang argued. “Then how come it was able to bite through my Aura?”

That _was_ a good question. Yang’s Aura could take full on punches from Penny Polendina—no more than one or two, mind, but anyone else would be peeling themselves out of a wall, and/or headed to the emergency room. “Look, we can get you tested,” Blake reassured her. “We’ll find a way, if you are infected or something.”

“If I do become something like that—“

“You won’t.”

“Will you…take care of it for me?” Yang gently touched Blake’s cheeks. “Make sure I can’t hurt Weiss or Rubes? Or you?”

Blake leaned forward and kissed her. “You’re _not_ going to become a werewolf, Yang. And even if you are, you’re far more stronger than you think. You would never hurt any of us.”

Yang was about to reply when there was a banging at the door. Yang went pale, but Blake got up and went to the door, snatching up Gambol Shroud along the way. She might not have silver Dust bullets loaded (if that was an actual thing), but she could damn well cut any werewolf’s head off. She opened the door.

The person standing in the hall was not a werewolf, though someone might’ve mistaken her for one, in a dark alley. Elm Ederne was nearly twice Blake’s height and definitely twice as broad. She looked down at her with a expression of faint disgust; the Faunus noticed that Elm was wearing her Ace Ops uniform, but it looked a bit disheveled. “Oh, hello, Blake,” she said tightly. “Is Yang here?”

Yang got out of the bed and padded forward. “Elm, what’s going on?” She dried her tears again, on her shirt. “Sorry about that…”

“Don’t apologize. You got nothing to apologize about.” Elm reached out of their sight—her bulk took up most of the doorway—and dragged someone else in view. To their shock, it was Marrow Amin, Ace Ops’ only Faunus. He looked way past disheveled, and into half-dead territory. He wore only pants, and boots; his shirt and uniform jacket was gone. That wasn’t the most odd thing about him: he looked like he was about to pass out, his eyes and tail drooping, and he staggered; he would’ve fell if it hadn’t been for Elm’s huge hands on his shoulders. She pushed him forward. “Say something, you mangy asshole.”

Marrow’s eyes focused blearily, and he smiled lopsidedly. “Oh. Hai there, Blek…Shang…”

Blake’s nose wrinkled at the smell of Atlesian schnapps. “Gods, is he drunk?”

“Nooo…” Marrow hiccupped.

“Yes,” Elm growled. “You see, Ace Ops decided to hit the bar tonight, and _Rookie_ here said he was going to drink me under the table. I should mention he’d already had four beers by that time--”

“Shree!” Marrow interrupted.

“Four!” Elm insisted. “You see, with my big old metabolism, there is _no one_ that can outdrink me. Not Clover, not Vine—not that Vine drinks—definitely not Harriet, who’s an even bigger lightweight than this guy, and _definitely_ not Marrow Amin, one each.” 

“Cantsh blame a Faunush fer tryin’!” Marrow said, and belched.

“So anyway, after Big Drinker here gets a couple more shots under his belt, he says he’s going to go out and raise some hell. And before we could stop him, he takes off his shirt, pounds his chest, howls at the moon, and goes running off into the night on all fours, like the dog he is!” Normally Blake would’ve bristled at such an insult for Faunus, but in this case, Elm had a point. “We chased after him, but he’s a fast dude…and Harriet was already passed out, so it was just me, Clover and Vine. And then we caught up to him finally, and he’s crying his Faunus butt off about biting some blonde in the boob and starts yelling that he gave her lycanthropy.” She cuffed the back of his head and nearly knocked Marrow to the floor. “You’re not even a werewolf, dumbass.”

“Didn’t mean nothin’…just playin’ a joke…” Marrow slurred. He blinked and looked up at Yang, and suddenly his eyes filled with tears. “Oh noes…Shang…did I hurt ya, Shang? Oh gods, I’m shorry…I’m really, really shorry…”

“You want to kill him?” Elm asked. “I brought him up here to apologize, but if you want to murder him, we can make it look like an accident.”

Yang stepped forward and waved Elm off. Marrow was still apologizing profusely. Yang reached back to let the Faunus have it, but then reached forward and tapped him on the chest. Marrow staggered and fell backwards; he would’ve landed hard on his head if Elm hadn’t caught him. “No, that’s okay,” Yang said. “I’m not going to file charges for assault or anything either. I’ve done some pretty weird shit when I got drunk, too.”

“Well, that’s fine,” Elm said. She noticed Marrow had passed out, and threw him over her shoulder like he was a sack of flour. “We’ll stick him with every little shitty job we can think of.” She whapped him hard on the rear. “Dork.” She finally smiled, and waved at them. “See you around. If it infects, we’ll shoot him.”

Blake closed the door. Yang and her shared a look, then they burst into laughter. “Oh gods!” Yang struggled out. “It was him! _Marrow_ bit my tit!” 

The Faunus girl staggered over to the bunk bed and sat down, snickering. “The look on his face! Oh, he’s going to have a horrible hangover tomorrow. And Clover’s going to make him do wind sprints until he pukes!” She wiped her eyes. “You’re not mad?”

“Nah.” Yang sat down next to her. “And I _did_ disinfect it when I got back here. Besides, Marrow keeps clean. Usually.” She leaned back against the bedpost. "Though I don't know how he got through my Aura."

"I do." Blake lightly kicked her. "How many punches did you take from Penny? One or two and you would've been low on Aura, Yang."

"Oh yeah. Damn, how come _I_ didn't think about that?" Then she snorted. “The way his hair was sticking up—it made it look like he has ears like you!”

Blake fell backwards on the bed, giggling. “You had me damn near convinced you were a werewolf, Yang.”

“Hey, I was _absolutely_ convinced. I feel so dumb.” She shrugged. “Still, we have run into some damn bizarre stuff out there. Werewolves and vampires wouldn't be that weird.”

“Yeah.” Blake got seized with another fit of giggles. “You know, it’s almost a shame, Yang. You’d make a badass werewolf.”

“Oh yeah?” Yang whirled on her and pushed Blake’s shoulders into the bed. She bared her teeth. “Gonna eat you up, Blakey.”

Blake sighed. “Oh, what the hell.” She grinned up at Yang. “My, what big teeth you have.”

“The better to eat you with.” Yang grabbed the zipper of Blake’s shirt with her teeth, and began to zip it downwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Marrow. He's always the butt monkey in my stories. (Though he did get to sleep with Robyn Hill in "Love Hurts," so I guess it doesn't always go wrong for him.)
> 
> And the Lusty Adventures of Blake and Yang continue even in this fic!


	12. Jaune's Sixth Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune confesses to Ruby: he sees dead people. Ruby doesn't see the problem with this...especially given the dead people he's seeing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That title's pretty obvious as to which movie this is parodying.

It was a dark and quiet night in the Cotta-Arc household. Everyone had gone to bed, except for Ruby Rose. Now that they were back in civilization and had some free time—and some lien to burn—she had made a comic shop run. Armed with a pot of horrifically sweetened coffee and a pile of chocolate chip cookies, Ruby settled in with her stack of comics and prepared to make a night of it. She knew that, with that much sugar in her, she could probably _run_ to Atlas, and that she would crash hard when it wore off. But Ruby didn’t care much about that; it was totally worth it.

She was happily halfway into her comic when she heard a slight tread on the stairs. She looked up, one hand automatically resting on Crescent Rose; it had been a long road since Beacon. Then she smiled. “Hey, Jaune. Want to help me read some comics?”

He smiled wanly. “Actually…can we talk for a bit?”

“Sure.” Ruby set aside her comics, reluctantly—but Jaune was a friend, probably her closest guy friend, and if he needed to talk, she would be there for him. That was what friends did, and he would do the same for her. “What’s up?”

Jaune went into the kitchen and got a mug, then sat next to her and poured himself a cup. He blinked at the sweetness of it, and sipped rather than drank. “Ruby, I’ve got a confession to make, and I think you’re the only one who would understand.”

Ruby faced him, hands cradled in her lap, while she tried to think of what it could be. Maybe he’d decided to stay here in Argus. Maybe it was to admit that Pyrrha Nikos had left him a message; everyone in Team RNJR knew, but no one said anything, afraid to breach the subject. For that matter, maybe Jaune had fallen in love with her. Ruby’s cheeks colored at the thought. It wasn’t impossible. “What…what is it, Jaune?” she said, stumbling over her words.

Jaune laughed, rubbing the back of his head. “It’s not what you’re thinking. Sorry.”

“Well, I wasn’t thinking anything lewd or anything!” Ruby lied. 

He turned serious again. “Ruby…I don’t know how to say this, but…I think I may have more than one Semblance.”

Ruby’s eyes widened and she grinned. “Jaune, that’s wonderful!” She’d heard of people blessed enough to have multiple Semblances; they were more rare than people with silver eyes. “We’ve got to tell the others!”

“Shh!” Jaune warned. “I don’t want the others to know. Besides, it’s…it’s not a good Semblance. It’s like your uncle’s bad luck.”

“Oh.” Ruby wondered what _that_ could be. Maybe he turned into a Grimm or something. _Actually, that might be kind of cool. Well, unless he tears everyone apart or something. Though I think we’d have figured that out by now._ “So what is it?”

Jaune stared into his coffee cup for a long minute. He suddenly seemed smaller, somehow, almost childlike, like he was back to being the clumsy teenager who had cheated his way into Beacon. Then he looked up at her, his deep blue eyes full of pain. “Ruby…I see dead people.”

Ruby unconsciously edged away from him a little. She might’ve laughed, but Jaune was dead serious (no pun intended; he wasn’t Yang). It was creepy how Jaune had said those words, barely above a whisper. “You mean…in your dreams or something?” That kind of made sense; Ruby dreamed about Penny sometimes, and Pyrrha and Summer Rose. Jaune shook his head vehemently; he looked on the verge of tears. “While you’re _awake?”_ That was _really_ creepy. “Dead people, like in graves and coffins and stuff?”

Jaune shook his head again. “No. Walking around like normal people.” He shuddered. “They don’t see each other. They only see what they want to see. They…they don’t know that they’re dead.”

Ruby swallowed nervously. “How often do you see them?”

“All the time.”

She went pale. “J-Jaune…I’m…I’m not dead, am I?” Ruby was pretty sure she would’ve remembered if she’d gotten killed somewhere. Her mind raced over the times she’d come close to death recently. _The train…Yang’s driving…Mistral…no, that doesn’t make sense, unless we all got killed or something, and then Jaune would be dead too._ Her fingers started to shake. _Oh gods. The Apathy._

He reached out and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “No, no, Ruby. You’re alive. Very much so.”

“Whew! Because it would be really weird if I was dead.” She touched his hand, as a friend. “Okay, okay…we can work with this, Jaune. Maybe it’ll help us.” She looked up at him. “Do you see dead people, like, right now?”

“Yes.” Jaune stared over her right shoulder, at something beyond her. “And Roman Torchwick is trying to steal your wallet.” Ruby jumped up and whirled. There was no one there, but she could swear that she _had_ felt something there. Maybe it was confirmation bias; she remembered that from Professor Peach’s course. She checked her wallet; it was secure in the side pocket on her skirt. Unless one’s name was Coco Adel, purses weren’t terribly useful to Huntresses, as they got in the way. “Asshole,” she hissed at the empty space. “Is he still there?”

“Yeah,” Jaune said. “And he’s giving you the finger.”

“Oh yeah?” Ruby turned in the direction she thought Roman might be. “How did it feel to get chomped by a Nevermore, bitch? Didn’t know you were dead? Well, you totally are, moron!” She finished with a double groin chop, which seemed appropriate. “He still there? I just told him he was deader than Salem’s vagina.”

“I’m pretty sure _he_ knows he’s dead.” Jaune was silent for a minute, obviously listening to something. “He says that wasn’t very nice. He also says…” Jaune winced. “Uh, maybe I better not repeat what he just said.”

“Tell me,” Ruby said darkly.

“He said something about your mother.”

“You dirty—“ Ruby grabbed Crescent Rose. “Tell me where he is, Jaune! I’ll blow his ghostly butt back to hell!”

“Ruby, keep it down! My sister has ears like a hawk.” Jaune glanced over his shoulder. “Besides, he’s running off. He’s laughing too.”

She tracked towards the front door, as if she could see him. “Swear I’m going to get one of those proton packs… _that_ would fix his ass.” She sat, folding her arms over her chest angrily. “Great. Can they hurt us?”

Jaune slowly nodded. He turned his back to her and lifted up his shirt. There were scratches on his back, as if he’d been clawed by a Beowolf. Ruby’s hands went to her mouth. “Oh shit…who did that to you, Jaune?”

He turned back to her, his face ashen. “Pyrrha,” he whispered, as if speaking her name would summon her. “Pyrrha did that to me.”

“Pyrrha? But she loved you!”

“And she still does.”

Ruby might have looked younger than her seventeen years, and she might’ve seemed naïve, but she wasn’t _that_ naïve. “Ohh, I see.” Ruby gave him a sly smile and nudged him. “Good thing you got a room all to yourself, huh?”

Jaune grabbed her shoulders. “Ruby, she’s insatiable! She visits me every _night!_ She says she’s making up for lost time!”

Ruby wiggled her eyebrows. “Sounds like you guys manage the whole ghost thing pretty well.”

“She can affect the physical realm, Ruby! You saw the scratches!” Jaune quickly lowered his voice; it had gotten a little high. “I don’t know if Roman can, but Pyrrha damn sure does!”

Ruby drew Jaune to his feet, turned him around, and shoved him to the stairs. “Well, keep her satisfied, Jaune, and tell Pyrrha I said hi. Also tell her she’s going to be pretty handy to have around when we get to Atlas. She can do all kinds of stuff!” She pushed him again. “Go on, Jaune! This is actually pretty awesome,” Ruby said, half to him, half to herself.

“Ruby, I’m not getting any rest!”

Ruby didn’t have any sympathy. “Oh wah wah,” she half-sang. “I get to bang my ghost girlfriend every night. Life sucks, wah wah wah.” She poked him. “Meanwhile, the rest of us not named Ren or Nora have to make do with things that are run by batteries!” Ruby walked back to the couch and flopped down, grabbing her comics. “Now go make Pyrrha happy, Jaune.”

“But…” Jaune looked up the stairs. Only he could see Pyrrha Nikos. She was not translucent, like one might expect a ghost. There was only two blemishes on her skin—the arrow wounds on her ankle and between her breasts. Jaune knew, because Pyrrha stood there pretty much naked…except for the black stockings, corset, and whip she held in her hands. She smiled down hungrily at him and beckoned him up the stairs with a crooked finger. 

Jaune sighed and mounted the stairs. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* Sometimes this story really gets close to "Love Hurts" territory. I guess you can take the author out of smut, but not smut out of the author...


	13. Taking a Shine to Weiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weiss Schnee comes down to the Beacon dorm commons to confront Ruby Rose. But Ruby's acting really strangely, even psychotic. 
> 
> What did Weiss do to cause Ruby to snap?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ruby's really OOC in this one, but there's a good reason.

Weiss Schnee walked down the stairs, her bare feet making almost no noise. She was dressed only in her nightshirt, which was a bit on the drafty side, and held Myrtenaster in one hand. “Ruby?” she asked. Her voice echoed throughout the main commons of the Beacon Academy dorm. “Ruby, where are you?”

Ruby Rose walked in from a side corridor. Weiss stopped cold at the sight of her. Ruby did _not_ look good. Her outfit was darker, more black than red. Her stockings were lower than usual, and the skirt higher. Crescent Rose was holstered at her back. That was just a little disconcerting. What was terrifying was her face. Ruby’s silver eyes were usually bright and happy, and she was usually smiling; the younger girl could be nauseatingly cheerful. She was smiling now, but the smile was too wide, her teeth not showing in a friendly grin, but a predatory one, like she’d chosen Weiss as her dinner. And her eyes were hooded, dark, and psychotic. “R-Ruby?” Weiss stammered.

“What are you doing down here?” Ruby asked. It was not her normally bubbly voice either, but barely above a snarl.

Weiss was normally close to fearless. There was very little that frightened her. Grimm did not bother her in the least. She was a Schnee, and Schnee did not fear anything that could bleed. But there was something about her best friend right now that made her blood run cold. “I…I…just wanted to talk…” Weiss found that her mind had gone blank. What was it she wanted to talk about? What _was_ she doing here?

Ruby strode into the center of the commons. “Okay. Let’s talk.” It sounded like a threat. “What do you want to talk about?” Her tone of voice was such that she already knew, somehow, what Weiss wanted to say.

If Weiss only knew herself. “I…can’t really…remember.”

“You can’t really remember.” Ruby turned on one stockinged foot and began walking towards her.

“No…I can’t.” Weiss, involuntarily, took a step backwards.

“Maybe it was about…cookies?” Ruby nodded slowly. “I think we should talk about cookies. I think we should discuss what should be done.” Her smile widened, if that was possible. “What _should_ be done about the cookies?”

_Oh gods,_ Weiss thought, the icy fear climbing into her throat. She knew. Ruby _knew_. Weiss had eaten her freshly-baked batch of cookies. “I don’t know…” Weiss pleaded.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Ruby taunted, still advancing on her. Weiss began to fall back even faster, towards the stairs, her grip on Myrtenaster tightening. “I think you have some very definite ideas about what should be done about the cookies.” Ruby pointed to herself. “And I’d like to know what they are.”

“I…I…I think maybe they should be shared among the team,” Weiss said, on the verge of tears.

“You think _maybe_ they should be shared with the team,” Ruby repeated derisively. 

“Yes,” Weiss nodded furtively.

“When do you think _maybe_ they should be shared with the team?”

“As soon as possible?”

“As soon as possible?” Ruby did a fair imitation of Weiss’ voice, grimacing as she did so. She switched back to her regular voice—or this demonic version of it. “You’re concerned with what happens to the cookies.”

“Yes,” Weiss insisted. Her heels contacted the first stair. This was not good ground to fight on. 

“And are you concerned about _me?”_ Ruby growled. 

“Of course I am! You’re my—“

“Of _course_ you are!” Ruby cut her off. “I’m your _what?_ Your BFF? That’s all I ever wanted to be, Weiss. Your BFF. But you don’t _want_ to be my BFF, do you? You don’t _want_ to share the cookies, do you? You have the slightest _idea_ of a moral and ethical principle, _do you?”_ The last was delivered in almost a shout.

“I didn’t know you knew those words…” Weiss commented.

“That’s because you think I’m a _dolt,_ Weiss! You’ve always thought I was a dolt!” 

Weiss walked backwards up the stairs, Myrtenaster leveled in front of her, the tip trembling, betraying her fear. Ruby followed her, step for step. “I just want to go back to the room, Ruby. We need to think this over!”

“You’ve had your whole fucking _life_ to think this over, with your mansion and your cake butler and your big sexy sister! What good is a few more minutes going to do you now?”

“Stay away from me,” Weiss warned, both hands on the sword’s hilt now. To her horror, she saw that the Dust chambers were bare and empty. “Stay away!”

“Weissy, darling, light of my life,” Ruby hissed, “I’m not gonna hurt you. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I said I’m not gonna hurt you.” Her hands went behind her back, to Crescent Rose. “I’m just going chop your head off. I’m gonna chop it right the fuck _off!”_

Weiss lunged forward, but not to stab Ruby. Instead she drove the ornate hilt of Myrtenaster into her friend’s face, the only attack Weiss could think of short of killing Ruby. The sudden attack surprised the reaper: she staggered, slipped, then fell, tumbling down the steps. Crescent Rose spun out of her grip and ended up against a balustrade; Ruby ended up next to it. Her eyes fluttered, dazed.

_Have I knocked some sense into her?_ Weiss wondered. _Maybe she was possessed and I knocked the demon out of her? I don’t know how that sort of thing even…uh oh._ Ruby was getting back up. Blood trickled down her face from a cut on her forehead. Any hope that Weiss had that her battle partner’s insanity had passed was gone, when Ruby’s grin reappeared, and she knelt and grabbed Crescent Rose. A quick spin, and the scythe—black and malevolent—snapped into place.

Weiss ran. 

She ran for her life, faster than she’d ever run before. She dashed down the hallway, which was deserted. _If Yang and Blake are at the dorm…maybe…_ She slid as she reached Team RWBY’s dorm room door, opened it, and slammed it shut behind her. Weiss frantically checked the room, but Yang and Blake were gone. She was alone. She slammed up the window, but it was too far down to jump.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are,” Ruby sang.

Weiss turned and reached out. A black glyph appeared around the door; even if Ruby remembered in her berserk rage to use her keys, she wouldn’t be able to get it open. She raised Myrtenaster as there was a soft knock on the door. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in,” Ruby cackled. “Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin.” Weiss could hear the scythe being dragged along the carpet. “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!”

The door trembled. The tip of the scythe appeared. Then it shook again, and more of the blade came through. As Weiss watched in terror, a hole was smashed and torn with Crescent Rose, until enough fell in for her to see the silver eyes, glowing with utter insanity. The reaper pressed her face against the hole, and seemed to stare right through Weiss. She grinned with a mouth full of blackened teeth. “Heeere’s _RUBY!”_

Weiss came awake with a start and a scream. She sat straight up in her bed and her head collided with the bottom of Ruby’s bed. Now screaming in pain, she rolled off the bed onto the carpet.

Blake and Yang were out of their bed in a second; instinctively, Yang raised her fists to fight an enemy, but Blake, with her Faunus reflexes, was a bit faster to wake up. “Weiss!” she yelled. “Are you okay?”

Ruby leaped down from her bunk. “Weiss! What’s wrong?”

Weiss was shaking like a leaf, unable to stop. Her wild eyes fell on Ruby, and she squirmed away. Blake grabbed her. “Weiss, wake up! _Wake up!”_

The heiress reached up and touched the Faunus’ face. “B-Blake?”

“It’s me, Weiss. It’s me. You’re okay. You hear me? You’re okay!”

Weiss got her breathing under control, and with Blake’s help, sat up. Ruby and Yang knelt next to her. “Oh gods,” she said, still trembling, “it was a dream. It was just a dream.” She took Ruby’s hands and drew her closer. The girl’s silver eyes were bright, but with concern; she was frowning, but out of fear for Weiss. “I’m so sorry, Ruby!” She grabbed her friend and hugged her so tight Ruby began making choking noises. “I’m so sorry! Please don’t be angry! _Please!”_

Ruby, with Yang’s help, managed to pry Weiss off her. “Weiss, I’m not angry at you! Why the heck would I be?”

“I…I…I ate all your cookies!”

Ruby looked quizzically at her, then stood up, and walked over to the little kitchen counter. She pulled a dish towel off a tray. “No, you didn’t. They’re all right here.” Ruby turned back to Weiss, a cookie in her mouth.

Weiss got to her feet and stumbled over. Except for the one in Ruby’s mouth, all the cookies were still there. She leaned against the counter. “Oh, thank the gods.” She hugged Ruby again, but not as hard this time. “Ruby, you’re my BFF. You’ll always be my BFF.” She kissed her on the nose, then she let go and went into the bathroom to wash her face.

A stunned Ruby swallowed the cookie and stared towards the bathroom. “That’s weird. I mean, I’m glad she’s my BFF, but that’s…weird.”

Yang reached over and picked up a book that had fallen next to Weiss’ bunk. “ _The Shining?_ Never heard of it.”

“Ugh,” Blake said, sticking her tongue out. “That’s just filth. Filth!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last line is more Blake's opinion than mine. Of course, we know what Blake likes to read...


	14. It's Not a Good Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby Rose is heading back to Atlas after a long day of fighting Grimm, when she slips and loses Crescent Rose. Her weapon spins into the sewer, but luckily someone has caught it for her. He seems like a nice clown.
> 
> Even if he also seems like a hungry one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, you've probably guessed which horror movie (and Stephen King book!) I'm going after this time. Ruby as Georgie? Uh oh.

Ruby Rose walked alone down a deserted Mantle street, and threw her hood up. It was cold. A storm had blown through the Atlas region, bringing with it snow and a frozen wind, and Grimm besides. Luckily, the storm was gone, flowing out over the half-frozen sea, and Mantle’s heating system melted the snow, leaving its melt sluicing into the sewers. As for the Grimm, Team RWBY and Ace Ops had handled that, though a Beowolf had gotten a good swipe in, and separated her from the rest of her team. Ruby’s Aura had protected her, but now her Aura was low, which was why she was cold. Also unfortunately for Ruby, she stayed in the middle of the street instead of on the sidewalk, where the snow and ice was gone; the middle of the street was still slippery. 

Her feet went out from under her. Ruby screamed, and her arms windmilled as she tried to keep her balance. Instead, she executed a nice split before falling on her face. Crescent Rose came off of her belt and spun into one of the sewer holes.

“Wonderful,” she grumped. Now she was wet _and_ cold. Muttering curses, she crawled over to the sewer. She could still see the stock of Crescent Rose, in its gun form, and she reached out to grab it.

Suddenly, two eyes were staring back at her. “Holy shit!” Ruby screeched, and scrambled back from the sewer.

The eyes drew closer, and a face seemed to settle into place around them. To Ruby’s stunned surprise, it was a clown, complete with white face paint, black nose and a red smile—though she didn’t remember any clown that had red going upwards from its lips to the black-rimmed eyes. It gave the clown a rather Grimmlike look. The fact that he also had what appeared to be a lazy eye didn’t help matters. 

“Hiya, Ruby!” the clown said, in a friendly voice. He held up Crescent Rose. “What a nice gun.”

“Uh, be careful with that,” Ruby warned. “It’s loaded.”

“Oh, I will.” He held it slightly towards her. “Do you want it back?”

“If you don’t mind,” Ruby said. 

The clown still held onto Crescent Rose. “You seem like a nice girl. I bet you have a lot of friends.”

Every instinct Ruby had screamed to run from this apparition, but a curious lethargy settled onto her mind. She didn’t feel tired or irritable, as she had with the Apathy—just the opposite. This clown seemed very nice, and Ruby returned his smile. Suddenly, she felt like a kid again, going to the circus. She’d loved the circus—even the clowns, though Yang had to be physically restrained by their father from attacking them. “I have a whole team of friends,” Ruby replied, even her voice sounding more childlike. “But my big sister Yang is my bestie better than the restie.”

“Yang.” The clown seemed to savor the word. Ruby idly noticed that he seemed to be drooling, but it didn’t really bother her that he was. It actually seemed rather silly. “Where is she?”

“Oh, she’s back home.” Ruby pointed to Atlas. “Up there.”

“I could ride up there in a balloon,” the clown said. Crescent Rose disappeared as his hands came down, leaving only his head visible in the sewer. “Do you want a balloon, Ruby?”

“Not really,” Ruby told him. “I mean…” She drew a little closer. “Who are you, anyway?”

The clown’s grin got bigger. “Why, I’m Pennywise the Dancing Clown!” There was the briefest sound of jingling bells, and Ruby snickered. Pennywise did too.

“What are you doing in the sewer?” she asked.

“The storm blew me away,” Pennywise explained, and laughed. “Blew the whole circus away!” He moved just a little closer. “Can you smell the circus, Ruby? There’s peanuts…cotton candy…hot dogs…and…”

Ruby moved just a little closer too. The smell of all of that, pleasant childhood smells, drifted over her. “Cookies,” she said lazily.

“Cookies!” Pennywise agreed happily. “Is that your favorite?”

“Yep!”

“Mine too!” The clown laughed again, but the laughter had a hungry ring to it. Suddenly, Ruby’s mind cleared a little. Pennywise’s buck teeth no longer looked comical; they looked predatory. _Something’s not right here,_ she thought. She wanted to move, but it felt like she was stuck in mud. Everything was so slow. “I need to go,” Ruby said.

Pennywise’s demeanor changed and became apologetic, like he had shown her something he didn’t want her to see. “Oh.” He held up Crescent Rose again. “Without your gun? You don’t want to lose it, Ruby. Yang would be very upset with you.”

“I guess…” Ruby was starting to feel languid again. She shook her head to try and free herself.

“Take it, Ruby. Take it.” Pennywise was moving Crescent Rose, almost taunting her with it.

Ruby reached forward. So did Pennywise. His jaw began to unhinge, revealing rows upon rows of razor-sharp fangs. The reaper realized it, but it was too late as he lunged towards her outstretched hand.

Then something else reached out from the darkness: a pair of black gloves. It grabbed Pennywise by the throat. He stopped, gagged, and then was flung to one side of the sewer. Ruby, freed from whatever magic the clown had been using, grabbed Crescent Rose and slid backwards, bringing up the rifle to fire. 

She didn’t have to. Pennywise, the Dancing Clown, stared into the eyes of Penny Polendina, the Protector of Mantle. “Leave her alone,” the android said firmly. 

Pennywise smiled, a shark’s smile filled with teeth. “You’ll float too," he cackled. _"You'll float too!"_ The clown’s hands—now tipped with claws—came up and grabbed Penny around the throat, pressing tightly, digging in. He leaned closer, his mouth dripping with drool and blood. 

Penny looked less than impressed. “Apologies,” she told him. “I’m not programmed to fear.”

He sniffed at her, and his expression changed to one of annoyance. Pennywise’s mouth opened again, even further this time, splitting the face almost completely apart, the eyes disappearing as it turned itself inside out. Even more teeth appeared, and a sinister orange glow, the glow of the flames of hell itself. Ruby, despite herself, despite only seeing the side of it and not what horror lay inside that mouth, pushed back even further. Her finger rested on the trigger, but it wouldn’t move. Her mind wasn’t being controlled; it was seized with utter fear.

Penny stared back into the demonic orbs like she was watching a particularly boring show on her Scroll. “Meh. I can do that.” Her eyes glowed green, and lasers leapt from them, sawing the clown’s head in half. Pennywise’s hands fell away, and Penny stepped backwards. Her knives could not completely halo around her in the sewer, but she still managed. The blades then shot forward, impaling the clown to the side of the sewer. He began to whine almost pitifully, but Penny merely stepped forward again. “There’s room for only _one_ Penny in this town.” She moved her hands in a pattern, and the blades tore Pennywise the Dancing Clown to pieces, which flowed down, deep into Mantle’s sewers, deep into the darkness.

“Whew!” Penny climbed out, the blades returning to her back. “Sorry about that, Ruby. I’ve been tracking him for hours. He tried to attack some children on the other side of town. Jaune ran him off, and I’ve been in pursuit ever since.”

“ _Jaune_ ran him off?” Ruby asked in amazement.

“Yes. He said Pennywise reminded him too much of Cinder Fall.”

As the android helped Ruby to her feet, she thought that probably not much of anything scared Jaune Arc anymore. “Thank goodness you got here when you did. He was like the Apathy or something…I really started trusting him.” Ruby's hands began to shake as she reholstered Crescent Rose.

“Pennywise seems to be some sort of Grimm,” Penny explained. “At least, I think he was. Like the Apathy you encountered at Brunswick Farms, he could partially control your mind through a system of phermonal activity.”

“The circus smells,” Ruby remembered, and shuddered. She’d been spared by only seconds.

“Not to worry, my friend!” Penny slapped Ruby on the back, nearly collapsing her friend’s lungs. “He won’t bother anyone anymore.”

Salem sighed and dismissed the Seer. “Well, _that_ plan’s out too. And I had such high hopes for Pennywise.” She leaned back in her throne. “Not sure what I can try next.”

A machete slammed into the table in front of her. Salem turned and looked up at Jason Voorhees. “Oh, don’t _even_ start,” she snapped at him. “I sent you against Nora Valkyrie and she used your head like a golf ball!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pennywise *does* actually remind me of the effects of the Apathy, and I think he was using some sort of mystical emotional manipulation on poor Georgie--otherwise that kid would've hauled ass out of there. In any case, he had to on Ruby, or she would've either run and got the rest of her team, or simply vaporized him with her silver eyes. 
> 
> Incidentally, I was inspired by seeing some great fanart of Penny and Pennywise. And some fanart of Penny *as* Pennywise, which is a mite frightening...


	15. Nora Feels Alienated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby feels like the walking dead one morning, but it's not that parody. Not helping matters is that Nora is ruthlessly pranking everyone, including poor Ruby. 
> 
> But when Nora starts acting genuinely weird, no one is sure if it's another prank...or there's something actually wrong with her. Like there's something...inside of her, trying to get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I had something else planned for tonight (more problems with Salem; how did she become my favorite character to write comedy with), but then Maswartz suggested an Alien scenario. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it, so...here you go.
> 
> Nora's prank with sticking her hand in her shirt to act like it's a chestburster, by the way, is something I used to do to scare my siblings. Try it on your friends and family! Laughs galore! (More likely groans.)

Ruby Rose was not having one of her better days at Beacon Academy. It was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other, and she needed coffee before she either passed out or went on a killing spree. _No,_ Ruby corrected herself, _I’m too damn tired to go on a killing spree_.

“Weissss…” she moaned as the heiress passed her in the hall.

“What now?” Weiss slowed down to match Ruby’s crawling pace. 

“Kill…me…”

Weiss smirked. “Tempting, but I think it’s far more cruel to make you suffer.” Ruby let out a groan. “It’s your own fault. You stayed up all night reading comic books. I warned you, but you didn’t listen.” 

“You’re not my mother _or_ my supervisor.”

“I feel like it sometimes,” Weiss said. Taking some pity on her team leader, though not much, Weiss grabbed Ruby’s hand and dragged her into the cafeteria. She shoved Ruby towards the breakfast line. Attracted by the smell of coffee, Ruby stumbled in that direction, and ended up behind Nora Valkyrie.

“Hey, Ruby!” Nora greeted her happily.

“Mmmggrrhh.”

Nora poured Ruby a cup of coffee and guided her on the cafeteria line. As Ruby surveyed what food she wanted, Nora decided to play a trick on her. She slipped one of her hands out of the sleeve of her uniform blouse and tucked it under her shirt. “Hey, Ruby?”

“Errgghh.”

“Did you have any trouble with what we had for dinner last night?

Ruby plopped a generous amount of scrambled eggs on her tray. “Nope.”

“I did. I had trouble all…night…” Nora suddenly bent over. “Ow!”

Ruby blearily looked over. “Huh? Nora, you okay?”

“No…owww…really bad pain…” Suddenly she straightened up and slammed backwards into the rail that separated the cafeteria line. She began jerking spasmodically, like she was having a seizure. Ruby’s hands went to her mouth and conversation ceased as Nora continued to shake. Weiss, who was returning for another cup of coffee, ran over to her. “Nora! Nora, what’s wrong?”

Nora continued to spasm, but underneath her blouse, she moved her hand. It looked like something was bursting from her chest. Weiss, eyes huge, fell back from Nora as if the hammer wielder was possessed, and Ruby screamed. So did Nora, and then she snaked her hand out from under the neck of her blouse and grabbed her own face. “ _Agggh!”_ she yelled. “Help me, somebody! It’s got me! It’s got me!” Then she couldn’t hold it together any longer and began to laugh. Heads had turned towards her, but then everyone shrugged and went back to eating.

“Not funny,” Weiss commented, and continued on for her coffee.

“Dammit, Nora!” Ruby was awake now.

“You should’ve seen your face!” Nora chortled. She continued to giggle as Ruby shot her homicidal glances, filled her tray, and joined her team at their table. Nora sat next to Ren. She nudged him. “Hey, Ren, did you see me get Ruby and Weiss?”

Ren nodded absently. “Yes, Nora,” he sighed. “Just like you got Pyrrha, Jaune and Velvet this morning.”

Nora frowned. “Jaune was no fun.”

Jaune, sitting between Ren and Pyrrha, took a drink of coffee. “My sisters used to prank me with that all the time.”

“Well, it frightened _me,_ ” Pyrrha admitted. “And poor Velvet passed out.”

Nora snorted. “Velvet’s so easy to scare. I swear she jumps at her own shadow. I don’t know how she fights Grimm.”

Yang chomped loudly on bacon, earning a reproving glance from Weiss that she ignored. “I thought you knew that one, Rubes,” she said to her sister around her food. “I think Dad did that to me when I was seven.” Blake, nose in _Ninjas of Love VIII: Boobs and Bokusai_ , ignored all of them. 

Ruby also slugged down some coffee. “I got like three hours of sleep last night. Sue me.”

“Was it what we ate last night?” Nora asked. Ruby stared at her over her coffee, with a look that promised death by scythe. Nora put up her hands defensively. “Nah, seriously. My stomach was rumbling all night.”

“That wasn’t from dinner,” Ren said. “That was from the stack of pancakes you ate around midnight.”

“Which you were nice enough to provide for me.” Nora snuggled up to him, rubbing her face against Ren’s sleeve like a cat. “I wuv you, Renny. You’re too good to me.” Ren didn’t reply, but the table could see he was fighting back a pleased smile.

Weiss returned to the table. “I heard that Roman Torchwick and his little silent partner were seen around Beacon grounds last night.”

Yang’s cheery demeanor instantly evaporated. “Neo. That little shit.” Neo Politan had beaten Yang in the fight on the Mountain Glenn train, and the blonde still lost sleep over it. Granted, Neo had come close to killing her, so it made sense. “I wonder what those two losers were up to.”

“Not sure,” Weiss replied. “They didn’t hang around long, apparently.”

“Probably scoping us out to try and rob the place.”

“With Professor Ozpin and Goodwitch both here?” Jaune shook his head. “Not likely.”

“Ren will protect me.” Nora hugged him and then went back to her breakfast. Everyone else at the table had knowing smiles on their face, and finally not even Ren could resist any longer. Scattered giggles broke out as he tried to hide his smile behind his coffee cup.

“Ow!” Team RWBY and JPR turned to look at Nora. She looked a little confused. Then she thumped her fist against her chest. “Huh. That’s weird. Hurt all of a sudden.”

“Oh gods,” Weiss groaned. “Here we go again.”

“Come on, Nora,” Yang said. “You’ve pranked everyone here at the table except for me and Blake, and I already know the trick. And Blake doesn’t care.”

“Not even a little,” Blake agreed, from behind her book.

“It’s not a prank!” Nora rubbed her chest. “Man, that really hurts! Ow!”

Only Ren didn’t roll his eyes at her. “Drink some water.”

“Yeah.” Nora drank down about a third of the water. She paused, then smiled. “Yeah, I think that—“ Then, without warning, she suddenly spit the water back up, all over the table. Yang leapt backward out of her seat. “Dammit, Nora, that’s enough!”

Nora didn’t reply. She held her chest, coughing. “Ren,” she struggled out, and then she screamed in agony, falling out of her chair onto the floor. A few heads turned, but most of the cafeteria ignored her. Even the two teams looked at each other, unsure of what to make of it.

Ren, however, was out of his seat and by his best friend’s side. “Nora? Nora! Are you choking?”

She doubled over into a fetal position. “No!” she insisted. “Oh shit, it hurts! It hurts so bad!”

“Give me a break. Nobody’s fooled, Valkyrie!” Cardin Winchester’s voice carried through the cafeteria. 

Blake put her book down and ducked beneath the table. Nora was starting to shake, just like she had in the cafeteria line. This time, however, froth appeared at the sides of her mouth. “Guys!” Blake shouted. “There’s something really wrong with her!”

As much as they could, the two teams crowded around Nora as she continued to cough and shake; the latter got much worse, to the point that her feet were thumping on the floor. She spit up more water and froth, and Ren and Pyrrha turned her over on her side. Nora’s eyes were rolling back in her head. “Get a doctor!” Ren yelled, and now the cafeteria began to realize that it was not a prank at all.

“On it!” Ruby tensed for a run, but suddenly Nora went entirely stiff and rigid, falling back onto her back. Her eyes reappeared and she looked pleadingly at Ren, who had gone pale. Nora’s mouth suddenly distended, opening wide, wider than a human mouth should be able to...and she belched.

It was possibly the loudest belch ever heard in the history of Beacon Academy. It shook the cafeteria, rattling the windows. It was louder even than the school-legendary belching contest between Qrow and Raven Branwen. It was so loud that even Ozpin looked up from his coffee. 

The belch, however, was not nearly as frightening as what came out of Nora’s mouth. It was a shadow of some kind, vaguely humanoid, with a torso, spindly arms, and a face covered with a white mask and a single orange eye. As the students watched in amazement, the shadow meandered in circles, clearly dazed and disoriented.

_“Geist!”_ Weiss screamed. Every student in the cafeteria went for weapons. Yang raised Ember Celica, Jaune drew Crocea Mors, Pyrrha aimed Milo, Coco slammed Gianduja on her team’s table, Weiss drew Myrtenaster. Ruby scrabbled for Crescent Rose, then realized she’d left it back at the dorm. 

None were faster than Velvet Scarlatina. Wielding the hard light copy she’d made of Cardin’s mace, she bellowed a war cry, leapt off of Yatsuhachi’s shoulders, somersaulted, and bashed the Geist into nothingness in a single swing. She landed nimbly on Team CRDL’s table. It was silent for a moment, then the cafeteria erupted in cheers and applause. Even CRDL joined in. Velvet blushed, dissipated the mace, and bowed. 

Ren helped Nora to her feet. “Are you all right?” Pyrrha asked.

Nora coughed, then massaged her chest a little. “Yeah…yeah, I’m okay now.” She rubbed her stomach. “Wow. I ate a _Geist?_ When the hell did that happen?”

“None of us have had any indigestion.” Blake raised her voice. “Anyone else feeling sick?” A chorus of nos responded. 

“The pancakes!” Jaune realized. “Roman and Neo must’ve unleashed the Geist last night! It possessed the pancakes!”

“That’s crazy,” Weiss scoffed.

“No, it makes sense,” Ren mused. “Only Nora was affected.

“And that Geist did look pretty messed up,” Yang added. “Heck, from the expression it got on its face right before Velvet took it out, it looked like it _wanted_ to die.”

“Given what Nora shovels into her mouth,” Blake said, “it probably did.”

Nora shrugged. “Oh well. So I ate a Grimm.” She flexed her muscles. “I got guts of steel!” Then she sat back down and started eating again.

“Well,” Ruby said, finishing her coffee and grabbing her untouched tray. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, everyone's probably realized that I not only ripped off Alien, but also the episode of RWBY Chibi where Nora eats the Geist. I always wondered how that would pan out. Did Nora digest the Geist? If so, this scenario in this chapter might be actually a *better* ending for that poor Grimm. 
> 
> And since this worked out so well, okay--I *will* take suggestions from here on out. Want to see me mess up your favorite horror flick? Send me ideas! If I haven't done it already, I'll certainly give it a shot.


	16. The Beast of Beacon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blake has managed to survive her greatest test at Beacon Academy. But the Faunus is not prepared for the horrible beast that awaits her afterwards. 
> 
> There is no escape. There is no hope. The Beast of Beacon will hunt down Blake Belladonna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Weary Curmudgeon for this suggestion. It's a bit short, but it was fun to write.

Blake Belladonna slammed the door to the bathroom of the dorm room, and slowly slid down the door. She’d never been so scared in her life. 

It had all started after she’d come back from the worst test of her Beacon career. It was one of Professor Peach’s Pass Or Die tests, one that the Beacon students feared more than Grimm. Peach’s tests were pitfalls filled with essay prompts, trick questions, and misleading statements that devoured students’ grades and souls with a ruthlessness Salem the Witch would’ve thought went too far. Blake and the rest of Team RWBY (except for Ruby, who simply accepted her dark fate) crammed for the test for a week, digging up old tests students had managed to smuggle onto the internet, perusing the library for sources, and even giving each other mock tests. All the preparation _still_ wasn’t enough. The test had been a death march, a slow slog through the jungle of Peach's diabolical mind.

But even that wasn’t as horrific as what awaited her when she got back to the dorm. While Yang and Weiss had gone out to drown their sorrows in ice cream, and Ruby simply skipped happily to the gym, resigned to watch her grade commit ritual suicide, Blake had headed home for a nap. She felt better about actually passing the test, but her brain was doing well to managed to slowly propel her legs back to the dorm. She’d closed the door behind her and flopped on her bed when the horror attacked, its red eyes glowing like a Grimm, its slobber falling to burn holes in the floor, its fangs seeking her throat as it foamed from its horrific maw.

Blake had grabbed Gambol Shroud and run for all she was worth, as the thing nipped at her heels. She’d barely made it to the bathroom door. Now the terror was slamming its armored head against the door, trying to get to her. 

_Oh gods, what am I going to do?_ she thought frantically. _I can’t stay here forever._ She shoved back against the door as the thing smashed against it. Wood groaned under the impact. _My Scroll. I have to warn the others. Maybe they can kill this thing._ She felt for the Scroll in her pocket. It was gone. Blake groaned when she remembered she’d set it on the bookshelf. It might as well be on the moon.

She raised Gambol Shroud. As the door bulged in again, Blake jumped over to the toilet. So far the lock was holding, but for how long? She released the magazine from the gun. It was empty. _Dammit! I forgot to reload it after training this morning! I was so worried about that stupid test that I forgot!_ Gambol Shroud didn’t feel quite right, so she opened the slide and ejected a bullet. “Great,” she said aloud. There was only one bullet left. 

She wondered if she should save it for herself. 

Then, without warning, the scraping and scratching and growling at the door stopped. 

Blake didn’t dare make a sound, drawing her knees up to her chin as she sat on the toilet. She kept hold of Gambol Shroud. Her ears twitched under her ribbon. Was that the front door opening and closing? Was the beast seeking easier prey? Blake swallowed. Team JNPR liked to leave their door open sometimes; they only closed it at night or when Ren and Nora decided to have “private study sessions.” Blake knew that Ren and Nora were out at the arcade today (they weren’t taking Professor Peach this semester). Pyrrha could probably slay the beast; the Invicible Girl was that good. Jaune however…Blake shut her eyes and said a prayer. Poor Jaune would probably serve merely as a snack.

Then she saw the doorknob starting to turn. Her eyes widened and she felt herself go pale. _Oh gods. It knows how to open doors._ Then the knob rolled back into place. The horror had been defeated by the lock. She let out the breath she had been holding.

Then she heard the rattle of a key in the lock, the lock thumped open, and the knob turned again. Blake leveled Gambol Shroud. She was not going to commit suicide. The beast might get her, but it by the gods would have to work for it. She would sell her life dearly.

The door opened, Blake gripped the pistol and held it steady, and it swung open to reveal…Weiss Schnee.

Weiss saw herself staring down the barrel of Gambol Shroud, and gave a gasp of surprise. “Blake, what the _hell?”_

“Oh…it’s you.” The Faunus wiped her brow and lowered the pistol. 

“Of course it’s me, you moron! Now get out of the way!” Weiss half-danced into the bathroom. “I have to pee! My back teeth are floating!”

“Right, sorry.” Blake quickly exited the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Yang stood in the center of the room, her back to her. To Blake’s utter terror, she slowly turned, looking at her with dead eyes, with the eyes of the damned. In her hands was the Beast. It snarled and growled like a rabid Beowolf, leaped from Yang’s lifeless arms, and attacked. Blake raised Gambol Shroud, but it was too late: the horror was upon her, driving her to the carpeted floor, its mouth opening to decapitate her. Blake closed her eyes, willing her soul to the Good Brother.

“Zwei!” Yang called out. “Don’t knock Blake down! She’s not a chew toy and you know it!”

The corgi had placed both paws on the prone Blake’s shoulder blades, and was steadily licking her chin. He turned back and whined at Yang. “No!” she commanded. “Come here, Zwei.” The dog seemed to sigh, climbed off a whimpering Blake, and waddled back to Yang. She picked him up, put him on Weiss’ bed, and started giving him belly rubs, cooing softly to him.

Blake shakily got up. “He was trying to kill me,” she whispered in fear.

Yang snorted. “C’mon, Blake. He likes you. He’s just a bit aggressive with his likes, that’s all.” She kissed Zwei’s nose. “He’s a good doggie! Yes, you are! Yes, Zwei is!” The dog panted happily.

“He’s a menace,” Blake groaned.

Yang ruffled Zwei’s ears and turned to her friend. “Treed you in the bathroom again, huh?”

“Third time this week.”

“You know he thinks it’s a game now. You get home, you see him lying in wait for you by your bed, you scream, he chases you into the bathroom, and you lock yourself in. Now it’s his routine.” She held up the corgi, and Blake recoiled as if Yang had pulled a gun on her. “Zwei just wants to be your friend.”

“I don’t want to be!” Blake yelled. Zwei barked in response, and Blake leapt backwards onto Yang’s bed, her Faunus ears flattened back.

Yang sighed. “Blake…”

“Just keep him away from me, please.” Blake shivered, then put her head in her hands. “I don’t think this day can get any worse now.”

The dorm room door crashed open. Both Zwei and Blake jumped as Ruby strode in. She stood in the center of the room, hands on hips, a grin across her face. Weiss opened the bathroom door, drying her hands on a towel. “What are you so happy about?”

Ruby held up her test. “100 percent, bitches.”

“But…but…but…” Weiss stammered in shock. “It…you didn’t even _study!”_

“It was a test on historical weapons,” Ruby beamed. “I didn’t _have_ to study.”

Weiss groaned and collapsed on the floor. Blake and Yang shared a look, and Yang threw Zwei at Ruby’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Blake. Luckily, we know that eventually she'll give in to the "unauthorized snuggles." And Ruby having Zwei slam into her face isn't really much of a punishment.
> 
> Keep up the suggestions!


	17. Gratuitous Shower Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a member of Team RWBY takes a shower, they have no idea what stalks them in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inspiration for this chapter should be obvious by the end, if not sooner.
> 
> This chapter takes place during the Atlas arc, like most of "Love Hurts."

She grabbed the scythe. It made for the perfect weapon. The scythe was unfolded, the steel glittering in the soft light of the shattered moon. Yes, she thought, it was beautiful and deadly. It was just what she needed for her task.

Her mother would approve. Oh, she would approve so much.

She dragged the scythe across the floor, then picked it up. She must not make a mess. They would not like that. She would have to clean up the mess. Best to be neat and tidy. For now, anyway.

She could hear the shower running. Perfect. She would not hear. She would never hear until it was too late.

Silently, she opened the bathroom door and hefted the scythe. The bathroom was softly lit by the light. She could hear soft humming over the water flowing. Her prey was only a shadow, but she was alone, no one to help her. No one to stop her. It was perfect. 

Her mother would want her to do this.

She crept forward, her bare feet on the bathroom tile. She had stripped to her underwear; the skirt made too much noise. Too much chance of detection. Her prey was unaware as she turned in the shower. She raised the scythe and gently grabbed the shower curtain. She waited. The quarry turned in the shower.

Now.

She jerked the shower curtain back and the scythe descended on its target. Hard steel glittering. Remorseless. Uncaring. Deadly.

Blake Belladonna looked at Ruby Rose and raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?”

Crescent Rose thunked into the shower curtain rod. “Blake?” Ruby asked in surprise.

Blake folded her arms over her breasts, her ears flicked back under the shower spray. “Were you expecting someone else?”

“Well, yeah.” Ruby carefully set the weapon down. “I thought you were Weiss.”

Blake’s disgusted expression did not change. “And you were planning to murder Weiss in the shower why?”

Ruby rolled her eyes. “C’mon, Blake, I wasn’t going to murder her! I was just going to scare her. She’s funny when she screams.” Ruby grinned. “I guess Mom did this to Raven one time at Beacon. Poor Raven almost had a heart attack. She thought Mom had snapped over who was going to date Dad. Mom thought it was the funniest thing ever.”

“Well, that’s fascinating, Ruby,” Blake said, having confirmed Ruby's insanity was hereditary, “but I am standing here naked, while you’re standing there in your underwear with a damn scythe. May I ask why you’re in your underwear, by the way?”

“So my skirt wouldn’t swish when I came in?”

“Tactical thinking. Superb. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my shower.” She jerked the shower curtain shut. 

Ruby dragged Crescent Rose back into the dorm, leaned it against her bunk bed, and switched on the lamp. “So much for _that_ prank,” she sighed. Then she got a sly, evil smile on her face. She cackled softly, twisting her fingers. “Eheheheheh...oh, we’re not done yet, Blake. I’ll show _you._ ”

She got up and tiptoed back into the bathroom. From her shadow in the shower, Blake was washing her hair. Ruby stifled a laugh, grabbed a towel, wrapped it up, then positioned herself. She remembered her weapons training at Signal and Beacon, and from her father. She would need to snap it across her body for maximum effectiveness. 

And that was exactly what she did. The towel cracked through the shower curtain, which gave no protection whatsoever, and was a perfect strike, the edge hitting Blake right across her rear end. Ruby laughed: Blake had a funny scream too. 

The shower curtain was flung aside. The Faunus stared at her with blazing yellow eyes, shampoo drifting down her hair, across her shoulders and flanks. “I’m gonna _kill you_ , you little shit!”

Ruby fled the bathroom as Blake leapt from the shower, grabbing a towel on the fly. She spun it into a weapon. When they reached the middle of the dorm, Ruby slid to a halt, whirled, and faced her. “Let’s go, Blake! I’ll teach you not to be Weiss!”

Blake grinned toothily. “That didn’t even make any sense, Ruby. But if you want a fight, a fight you will have!” She turned to one side, the towel held ready. “And I’m a _lot_ more experienced with this sort of weapon than you are, Scythe Girl.”

“Bring it!” They circled each other, looking for openings. “By the way,” Ruby pointed out, “you’re still really naked.”

“So? You’ve seen it all before.” Blake wiggled her eyebrows. “Am I distracting you? Your sister would be drooling and catatonic on the floor by now.”

“Ha! Your womanly charms do nothing for me!” Ruby exclaimed, and snapped her towel at Blake. The Faunus easily evaded, spun on one foot, and sent her towel at Ruby. The reaper danced nimbly out of the way. They continued to circle each other, occasionally attacking, but neither could quite ever hit the other. “We seem to be at an impasse,” Blake said.

“I don’t even know what that means,” Ruby replied. 

Blake decided to break the stalemate. She snapped the towel at Ruby, but as the latter dodged, Blake dashed forward and tackled Ruby in a perfect spear. Ruby’s towel went flying across the room. Blake pinned Ruby’s wrists to the carpet and grinned down at her. “Do you yield, Ruby Rose?”

Ruby was about to, and start laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing, when the door opened, admitting Weiss Schnee and Yang Xiao Long. Both took a step into the room and stopped cold at the sight of a completely nude Blake straddling an underwear-clad Ruby. Blake’s head whipped around and her eyes widened in horror.

Ruby reacted first, and saw an opportunity to win her impromptu duel with Blake. She tucked her heels behind Blake’s back, forcing the Faunus’ groin into hers. “Oh no, Blake!” she cried out. “They’ve caught us! They know about our forbidden love!”

“Huh? What?” Blake was still about two paragraphs back, where Yang and Weiss had walked in. “Uh, Yang, this isn’t—“

“No!” Ruby got her hands free and grabbed Blake by the cheeks. “Don’t deny what we have, Blake!” And to the Faunus’ surprise, Ruby kissed her.

Weiss sighed and put Myrtenaster on the weapons rack, shaking her head in equal parts wonder and contempt. Yang fell to her knees and threw her head back. “Noooo! What have you done, Blake? You’ve betrayed me! You’ve betrayed my love!”

“But…but…” Blake stammered.

“Or maybe…maybe you want _both_ sisters,” Yang said, and began crawling towards her. “You’ve should’ve just said you wanted both me and Ruby, Blake. I’m okay with sharing. Ruby and I…” Yang licked her lips. “We share _everything.”_

“This isn’t…what are you…” Blake looked frantically from one sister to another. She had been sure this was Ruby’s idea of a joke, but the younger sister had kissed her, and with Yang there was never any telling when she was serious or not. Then Yang’s cheeks bulged and she erupted in giggles, and Ruby joined her. She let go of Blake, who rolled away and sat up. “Very funny, you two. Did you plan this?”

“Nah.” Yang high-fived Ruby as Weiss threw Blake her towel. “Nice going, Rubes. Too bad we couldn’t have gone a little further with that…gotten Weiss in on it.” She slapped playfully at Weiss’ leg as the former heiress walked past. “What do you say, Weiss? Team RWBY orgy?”

“Not tonight, I have a headache.” But Weiss was smiling all the same.

Blake wrapped the towel around herself, then she couldn’t hold back a snicker. “You two are psycho.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Besides "Psycho," of course, I got some inspiration from a piece of excellent fanart (and fandubbing on YouTube) called "Walk In Bath," where a naked Ruby thinks she's pranking Yang...and it turns out to be Oscar instead.


	18. Crimson Smut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blake brings a gothic romance book back to the dorms, and can't wait to read it. The rest of Team RWBY isn't going to let her, though. Weiss wants to know what it's about, while Ruby and Yang want to know if it's just more of Blake's trashy smut. 
> 
> It totally isn't. Really. It's not. Blake says so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A good friend of mine IRL recommended I mess with "Crimson Peak." As soon as they said it was gothic romance, I knew exactly the story I wanted to write.
> 
> It's kind of short, but I already churned out 4500 words of "On RWBY Wings" tonight.

Blake Belladonna returned to Team RWBY’s Atlas Academy borrowed dorm room, a smile on her face and a package held to her chest. She sighed happily and set the package down on the desk, then sat on the floor to take her boots off.

Weiss was sitting at the desk, working on a report on the computer, and glanced at the book. “What do you have there?”

“It’s a new book,” Blake replied.

Ruby and Yang were sitting in their bunks. “What’s it called?” Ruby asked, looking up from her comic book.

“ _Crimson Peak,_ ” Blake answered. She reached up, took the book out of its bag, and held it up for the rest of the team to see. The cover depicted two women and a man, against an ancient-looking house, seemingly standing in blood. “I read it back in Menagerie, but I wasn’t able to find a copy—then I found an old used bookstore in Mantle that had one!”

“More smut, huh?” Yang grinned.

Blake gave her a dirty look. “It is _not_ smut! It’s a gothic romance.”

Ruby and Yang shared a look. “Smut,” they said at the same time.

“It isn’t!” Blake insisted. “ _Gods_ , you two!”

“They have a point,” Weiss admitted, though it pained her to do so. “You _do_ buy a lot of, shall we say, trashy novels?”

“ _Ninjas of Love_ is not trashy!”

Ruby hopped down out of her bunk and walked to the refrigerator. “I don’t know, Blake. I read the first one. Remember what I called it?”

“Yes, and I also remember you read it cover to cover, and it took me two weeks to get it back!” Blake shot back. Ruby got a soda and blushed; it was true. 

“Then what’s it about?” Weiss wanted to know.

Blake sent her a thankful look, pretended not to see Yang’s horribly lewd gesture, and leaned back against her bunk. “All right. It’s about this heiress, the young daughter of a wealthy businessman—“

“Sounds familiar,” Ruby commented, hopping back into her bunk and somehow not spilling the soda. Weiss rolled her eyes.

Blake ignored her. “Her name is Edith. Anyway, when she’s a kid, her mother’s ghost comes back and warn her about this place called ‘Crimson Peak.’” She paused, waiting for the snide remarks—she was sure that Yang in particular would have something to say about crimson peaks, involving nipples and breasts—but none came; it occurred to her that the Rose-Xiao Long sisters probably didn’t want to make mom jokes. “When she grows up, she falls in love with this man, Thomas, but Edith’s father disapproves; Thomas is an inventor, but he’s not very good at it. Edith’s father finds out that Thomas has been married multiple times and that his sister Lucille is crazy.”

“Sounds familiar.” Weiss winked at Ruby, who smiled and gave her friend the finger.

“So what do they do?” Yang asked, interested in spite of herself.

“The father gets killed and Edith and Thomas get married, and they move into this old creepy mansion built on a mountain made of red clay. Hence the name, _Crimson Peak._ ”

“And then they bang,” Yang snickered.

“Actually, they don’t.”

“Well, that’s dumb,” the blonde said. “That’s kind of the whole point of marriage, to get authorized ass. They don’t bump boots? What, he can’t get it up or something?”

“No,” Blake snapped. “He’s just kind of distant to her. And Thomas’ sister Lucille hates Edith’s guts.”

“Someone’s jealous,” Weiss observed.

“Of her brother?” Yang scoffed. “That would be like me being jealous of Oscar because he’s got a thing for Ruby.”

“Oh, you’re closer to the truth than you know,” Blake said, smiling. “Thomas was actually sleeping with his sister.”

“Gross!” Ruby exclaimed. “And double gross now, Yang!”

The older sister made a disgusted face. “Yeah, no kidding. I’d sleep with Weiss before I’d sleep with my own sister.”

“You’d never go back to Blake,” Weiss said casually, leaning back in her chair. “So does Edith kill Lucille?”

“Actually, Lucille’s poisoning her. She keeps giving Edith tea, and Edith starts seeing ghosts. And coughing up blood.”

“That’s not good,” Yang understated. “So does Edith kill her?” Then she held up a finger. “Wait a second! You said Thomas was married a few times before, right? Did Lucille kill them, too? Did he bang his other wives? I mean, that’s the important part, I’m sure, being smut and all."

“I assume he consummated the marriages with them,” Blake replied. “And yes, Lucille killed them as well.”

“So then Edith grabs a gun and shoots them both in the head!” Ruby simulated a shotgun with her hands, and then made shooting noises—disturbingly realistic ones, Blake thought. 

“And Ruby turns this into a Spruce Willis movie,” Weiss groaned.

“Asshole deserves it for not banging Edith,” Yang commented.

Blake sighed. “He _does_ bang Edith, Yang. He actually falls in love with her.”

“Ha!” Yang crowed triumphantly. “We called it, Rubes. Total smut.” Yang clasped her hands and batted her eyes. “’Oh, Thomas, I know your sister is batshit and we should blow her brains out with a 12-gauge loaded with Dragonsbreath rounds, but let’s make sweet, sweet love first! Tear off my clothes and lick me from head to toe, Thomas! I want to have your babies! Mwah! Mwah! Make me climb the walls, Thomas! Haul my ashes, Thomas! Bother my livestock, Thomas! Mwah! Mwah!”

Ruby snorted and laughed, and even Weiss held back a giggle. Blake sighed again and tossed the book onto her bed. “You two are weird.”

“Does Edith kill Lucille then? And how are the ghosts connected?” Weiss inquired.

Blake rolled into bed. “I’ll guess you’ll just have to read it, Weiss. I’m not talking any more about it with the peanut gallery here.” She gestured at Ruby and Yang, who blew raspberries at her. “I don’t make fun of _your_ books, you two.”

“That’s because Yang doesn’t read,” Weiss chuckled, and turned back to the computer. Yang gave her the finger, too. “I know I’m number one, Yang.” The former heiress saw the reflection in the computer screen. 

“You can say whatever you want about my comics, Blake,” Ruby told the Faunus. “I _know_ they’re not highbrow or anything. But they’re fun.”

“Gothic romance is fun,” Blake replied. Ruby waved it off. Blake picked up the book. “It totally is.”

Hours later, Blake was still reading, using her night vision and the reflected lights of Atlas to see by. The other members of Team RWBY were asleep. Blake turned the page and there was a soft rapping on the bunk above her. She looked up and saw Yang, hanging upside down, blonde hair almost reaching the floor. “Hey,” she whispered. “I can’t sleep.”

Blake raised an eyebrow. “So? You want me to read you a bedtime story or something?”

Yang softly somersaulted out of her bunk, and shooed the Faunus to one side of hers before crawling in. “Yeah. You can read me some of _that_.” She pointed to _Crimson Peak._ “Ruby and I were just messing with you earlier, you know.”

Blake smiled. “Yes, I know. I _can_ tell when you’re ribbing me.” She scooted over a little more, though the bunk was small enough that she and Yang were elbow to elbow and hip to hip. Yang made room by sitting up a little, and allowing Blake to rest her head on her rather copious bosom. 

Yang settled in. “Read me the good parts, Blakey.”

“You mean the smut?” Blake grinned.

“Yep,” Yang said happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling that Team RWBY has probably stealth-borrowed all of Blake's romance novels.


	19. Fun With Puns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salem wants to buy a house. 
> 
> That doesn't seem all that scary...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was actually going to originally be a vampire chapter...but then fanartist extraordinare Nonsuch pretty much did the same joke I was planning, so it became something different. Either this works or it will bomb like Cats.

The real estate agent straightened his tie and waited patiently. He looked around the glade. It wasn’t at its best. The lawn needed work, and the gravel driveway that led out to the dirt road that led back to town probably could stand to be redone. The house itself was all right, but it needed a new coat of paint or some siding. Finally, it had gotten cloudy, which annoyed the agent. Houses always looked better in the sun, and good weather always put people in a better mood to buy. 

“Good afternoon.”

The realtor nearly leapt out of his skin. He turned around. Standing there was a woman dressed entirely in black, which was quite the contrast to her alabaster skin. He gulped nervously at the blood red eyes that stared back at him, though the face was attractive enough, framed in braids that resembled a halo. He hadn't heard her drive up; it was like she just appeared. Then he realized there was no car. “Uh, hello!” he said, trying to recover. “You must be, ah, Miss Salem.”

“I am. And you are…Chris, was it?”

“That’s right,” Chris said. “Chris is my name; real estate is my game.” He motioned towards the house. “Let’s take a look around, okay?”

“Very well.” She followed Chris to the house. He commented on the lawn, playing up the fact that, while it needed some watering and possibly some resodding, it was still in good shape. “The paint is old, but it’s not too bad,” he told her. 

“I see.” She let him open the front door for her and glided into the house. The interior was dated—a lot of wood paneling and vinyl furniture. He adjusted his tie. “This is a little old as well,” he tried to explain. “We can move out the furniture, free of charge.”

“The bathrooms?” she asked, and he showed her those. One was painted entirely pink; the other had tile, which was clean, albeit again, dated. The kitchen was of a more recent vintage, with up to date appliances. Salem said nothing, as the agent went through his spiel. He paid special attention to the backyard, which was beautiful, backed right up against the forest, and the deck, which had been recently redone. She nodded. “I’d like to see the basement,” she finally said.

“Ah, yeah. The basement.” That had been the question Chris had been dreading. The ad for the house had mentioned a finished basement, but that was basically a lie. Some work had begun on finishing the basement, but in truth it was pretty much bare concrete. “The basement really isn’t important, ma’am. Now this stove is state of the art—“

Salem turned towards him. “Show me the _basement_ ,” she growled, and the temperature noticeably dropped.

“Er…yes, ma’am.” He opened the door and walked down the narrow steps. “I’m afraid the listing, er, exaggerated. It’s not really a finished basement.” He moved out of the way as she came down into the basement. “We’ll take some off the listed price for that…”

Salem looked around the basement, taking her time. Then she returned to a very nervous Chris. “This is perfect. Thank you.” He blew out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as she returned upstairs.

With the tour done, they went outside. Salem knelt and ran her fingers through the grass, then straightened. “The price?”

Chris wasn’t quite done with his spiel. “I was going to mention something about the forest—“

“I don’t really care.”

“—and the neighbors—“

“Neighbors? There are neighbors?” An eyebrow went up. “Proceed.”

“Ah, yes. I was just going to say, Miss Salem, that your nearest neighbor is just up the road about two miles. He owns a log cabin—the gentleman there is a really nice guy. Sadly his wife passed away awhile back, and his daughters are grown now. I think they go to Beacon Academy.”

“Interesting,” Salem said. “Price?” she asked again.

_Okay,_ Chris thought, _time to get down to brass tacks._ “The price for the home is 125,000 lien. Now given that the basement isn’t finished, we could probably knock that down to 115,000. And I’m willing to make you a deal, Miss Salem, and take it down to 100,000.” He smiled. This was what he was good at; his wife even said it was his Semblance, selling things. “So what do you say, Miss Salem? It’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but not much, and it’s such a lovely area here on Patch.”

Salem looked around. “It is that.”

It was quiet for a moment. “Uh, what were you thinking about, when it comes to the house?” Chris prompted.

Salem finally returned her full attention to him. “How much for just the lot?”

“The lot? You mean the land itself?” Salem nodded. “But Miss Salem, with all due respect, the lot’s not for sale, just the house—“

Salem snapped her fingers, and the house erupted in flames. Fire swept through it in minutes. “How much for just the lot?” she repeated.

Chris adjusted his tie. “Um…shall we say 55,000 lien?”

Salem put out a hand. “Deal.”

Blake stared at the Author over the top of the script. “Salem’s Lot? Really?” She sighed. “You do know only diehard Stephen King fans are going to get that pun, right?” She looked up at Yang. “Let me guess. You gave him the idea.”

Yang, leaning on the back of the Author’s chair, grinned. “Yeah! Isn’t it great?”

The Author regarded Blake, who wore an expression of disgust. “Look, the only other option was you thinking that you were a vampire, and I already did that gag with Yang and the werewolf thing.” When she sighed again, the Author shrugged. “ _You_ try coming up with a fanfic idea every night for 31 days.”

“You could’ve just stuck with _Love Hurts,_ ” Blake argued. “That was every four days.”

“Oh, of _course_ Blakey would like _Love Hurts,”_ Yang said. “It’s nothing but smut!” The Faunus stuck out her tongue.

The door to the Author’s room opened and Salem marched in. “I’m not sure if this script is the worst I’ve ever read or the best.” She slapped it down on the table. “I’m leaning towards the former.”

The Author put his face in his hands. “Salem, c’mon. I don’t want to have to write any more tonight. I have to work in the morning.”

“Fine,” Salem shot back. “But you owe me, Mr. Author.”

“Emerald’s Fun Dungeon?” the Author offered.

Salem smiled evilly. “That will do just fine.” She grabbed the script and walked out. 

“Totally kicking your ass on November 7th!” Yang called out. Salem only cackled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blake is right: if you're familiar with the classic Stephen King vampire story "Salem's Lot," then this story is probably 20% cooler. If not, then I hoped you laughed at the little self-insert at the end, or at who Salem's new neighbor is. I hope you laughed at something, anyway... 
> 
> Writing this fic *is* a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Sadly, I do not have Yang as a muse. Or Salem or Blake in my room.


	20. The Teeth of the Schnee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune Arc is off to go "convince" Weiss to date him. Nora knows he's making a terrible mistake. With Pyrrha about to cry, Nora resorts to drastic measures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a lot of fun to write, because of all the scenarios in this fanfic so far, I could totally see Nora actually doing this.

Nora Valkyrie looked up from her book as Jaune Arc walked through Team JNPR’s dorm room. Walked wasn’t the right word; sauntered was probably better. He was dressed very well, in a suit and tie rather than his usual hoodie, and the smell of cologne wafted over her nostrils. Nora wrinkled her nose: as usual, Jaune had overdone it, and was wearing enough cologne to drown a small Grimm. “Where are you off to?” she asked, adding to herself _as if I didn’t know._

Before Jaune could answer, the door opened, admitting Pyrrha Nikos. She looked a bit bedraggled from weapons practice, wearing her armor and carrying her spear and shield, but she perked up when she saw (and smelled) Jaune. “Oh, hello, Jaune!” she half-sang. Nora smothered a smile. _I can hear her ovaries popping from here,_ she thought.

“Hey, Pyrrha,” Jaune said absently. A little disappointed, she moved past him to hang up Milo and Akouo, as he answered Nora’s question. “I, Nora, am going across the hall to court Weiss. With this outfit and this cologne, she won’t be able to resist me.” He jumped as Pyrrha’s spear clattered to the floor. “Sorry,” she said, and picked up her weapon. Jaune didn’t see it, but Nora did: Pyrrha’s expression changed from being tired to being depressed, as it always did when Jaune didn't pick up on her feelings for him. 

Nora fought down the impulse to leap from her bed, grab Magnhild, and bash Jaune’s skull in, until he realized that he had one of the most beautiful girls in Remnant madly in love with him. Nora loved Jaune like a brother, but he was also the most clueless person she’d ever met. She put her comic aside. “You sure that’s a good idea, Jaune? The last time you tried to date Weiss, you played your guitar.”

Jaune nodded. “That was before I knew that Weiss doesn’t like music.”

Nora gritted her teeth. Weiss _loved_ music; she was classically trained and had the voice of an angel. She just hated Jaune’s idea of music. He could actually play, and his voice wasn’t that bad, but Weiss reacted the same way she would to someone raking their fingernails down a chalkboard. She simply was not interested in Jaune Arc, but once more, he was too thickheaded to realize it. “I thought she said she was going to ram your guitar so far up your ass you could play _Smoke On the Water_ with your teeth.”

Jaune rubbed the back of his head and laughed. “Oh, she’s just kidding around.” Both heard Pyrrha give out a long sigh, though only one of them recognized what that meant.

Nora decided enough was enough. She was going to have to take drastic measures, or she was going to have to brain him. Since Jaune, in Nora’s opinion, already had enough skull damage, it was time to pull out the stops. “Jaune, come here.” He looked a little mystified, but obeyed and sat down on her bed. Nora scooted up close to him, glanced at Pyrrha—she was slowly putting up her weapons and getting out her towel—and dropped her voice…though not enough that the Mistrali girl couldn’t hear her. 

“Jaune,” she began, “I’ve got to tell you a secret. But you’ve got to promise not to tell _anyone_ else.”

“Should I leave?” Pyrrha asked. 

“Nah, you already know about it.” She glared at Pyrrha, who quickly shut her mouth. Curious, she drifted closer. “Anyway, Jaune, it’s about Weiss. She’s…well, she’s got something going on that keeps her from dating you. Or really any other guy.”

“She was flirting with Neptune the other day,” Jaune said glumly.

“Filrting, yes. Dating, no. She’s…she’s pretty embarrassed about it.” Another warning glance to Pyrrha, who looked decidedly confused.

Jaune slumped. “Oh, man. Weiss is a lesbian.”

Nora almost ran with that, but wondered if even _that_ would convince Jaune to quit pursuing the Schnee heiress. Coco Adel was miles out of the closet, but there were still plenty of guys at Beacon who wanted to prove that Coco just hadn’t met the right man yet. “Um, no. As far as I know Weiss is straight, but that’s not the reason.” Nora took a deep breath, as if she was summoning her courage to let Jaune in on something top secret. “Jaune…Weiss has vagina dentata.”

_“What?!”_ Jaune and Pyrrha screamed at the same time.

“Oh, I thought you knew, Pyr,” Nora covered herself smoothly.

“What the heck is that?” Jaune wanted to know. "It sounds horrible!"

Nora cleared her throat, and hoped she remembered it right. “It is. Vagina dentata is an extremely rare condition where girls grow teeth…er…down there.” She pointed at her groin. “Girls with that _can_ have sex, but it’s really risky. Because if they, well, you know, get all hot and bothered, or they panic—which a lot of girls do their first time, Jaune—then they can clamp down.” She slapped her hands together. “And chomp. Bye-bye, Little Jaune."

Jaune’s hands went involuntarily between his legs, and even Pyrrha reflexively crossed hers. “Holy shit!” he exclaimed. “Really?”

Nora nodded solemnly. “Yeah. It’s pretty sad, actually. Poor Weiss.” Nora surreptitiously pinched her leg until tears got started in her eyes. She sighed elaborately. “That’s why she flirts so much with Neptune. She’s in denial.”

“Then she’s rejecting me because she’s trying to protect me?” Jaune asked.

“Sure,” Nora replied. “That makes sense.” Actually it didn’t, but Nora was praying that Jaune was still too shocked to see the Ursa-sized holes in her argument. 

“How did you find out?”

“After team practice. We shower together, you know.” _Uh oh,_ Nora thought. _He’s going to want to know how I noticed Weiss has teeth in her hoo-ha._ “One time I, er, dropped the soap, and when I was bending over to pick it up, I just sort of looked up and…there they were. Weiss tried to hide it, but she later confessed it to me.” Nora looked at Pyrrha, who now wore an expression of utter mystification. “Anyway, Jaune…Weiss didn’t want me to tell anyone, but you should know before you make a big mistake.”

“Yeah. Wow. That’s just sad.” He looked at the closed door, as if he could see through it to Team RWBY’s room. “I wonder if they know...Ruby and the others, I mean.”

“I’m sure they do.” She thumped him lightly on the shoulder, which was still enough to leave a bruise. “Jaune, you can’t say a _thing_ about this! Poor Weiss would be so embarrassed. She might have to withdraw from school if her secret got out.”

“I won’t say anything.” He sighed. “Well, I guess I’d better take off this suit…”

Nora hugged him, feeling like a jerk, but something had to be done. Besides, even if Jaune was dumb enough to ask Weiss about it, she probably _would_ admit to vagina dentata just to get him to leave her alone. “Sorry, buddy.” She smiled at him, and Nora could have a very winning smile when she wanted to. “It’s okay. Someone will come along for you.”

“Yeah…I guess.” He got up and shuffled to the bathroom to change. “Poor Weiss, huh?” he remarked to Pyrrha.

“Um, yes!” she quickly agreed. “Poor, poor Weiss.” As the bathroom door shut behind Jaune, Pyrrha went over to Nora. “Nora, you aren’t serious, are you? Does Weiss really have that? I mean, I’ve never looked at her in the shower…” The Mistrali girl blushed.

Nora turned blue-eyed disgust on her friend. “Pyr. Jaune is the most clueless boy on the planet, but you’ve got to be the most clueless girl. I made all that up. Vagina dentata isn’t real.” At least Ren said it wasn’t. “I had to do something before either Weiss straight-up murders him or I do.” She smiled and slapped her friend’s back. “And now he’s free and clear to come after you!”

“Yeah,” Pyrrha said wistfully. “If only he’d notice…” She turned away sadly.

_That does it,_ Nora said to herself. As the bathroom door opened and Jaune walked out, suit coat over one arm, Nora stood, purposely stumbled, grabbed a double handful of the back of Pyrrha’s top, and yanked it down. Pyrrha didn’t wear a bra when she was in her armor, and so her breasts bounced free. Jaune’s jaw hit the floor. While there was no doubt Weiss Schnee was attractive, even she would admit that Pyrrha Nikos had the body of a supermodel. Pyrrha let out a squeak and covered herself, but not before Jaune got a good, long, memory-searing look.

“Oh, gee,” Nora said, “I slipped!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I got the idea from the movie "Teeth." Vagina dentata doesn't exist; it's based on old folk legends. But Nora is a good wing-girl, and she's going to put Pyrrha and Jaune together no matter what. I don't know if Jaune would be *that* clueless, but given that Pyrrha did everything but put up a flashing neon sign, he just might have been. 
> 
> Of course, now Weiss is going to wonder why Jaune is looking at her funny...


	21. Atlas Sematary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marrow Amin is dead. As the Ace Operatives mourn the loss of their fallen comrade, Harriet Bree has an idea. There's an old cemetery on the Atlesian tundra.
> 
> Maybe Marrow doesn't have to stay dead...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's pretty short, but I could only spin this out so far. It was pretty fun to write, though.

“I’m really sorry,” Elm Ederne said. “I didn’t think I hit him that hard.”

“Not your fault, Elm,” Clover Ebi sighed. “He was out of control. You had no choice.” He shook his head sadly. “Damn. Marrow was a good man.”

“Technically he was a Faunus,” Vine Zeki pointed out. 

“Still a good one.” Clover leaned on the slab that held Marrow Amin’s body. “This is going to be tough. His mother lives in Mantle, I think.”

“I’ll go,” Elm said. “I'll tell her. It was me who was responsible for this.”

“No,” Clover told her. “I’m team commander. It’s my responsibility.” He sighed again. “We’ll need to notify General Ironwood. He’ll want to say some words. Maybe Team RWBY and JNR…Jaune Arc was a good friend of Marrow’s as well.”

Vine looked down at his boots. “Can’t believe he’s gone. We shall miss him. We shall miss his boomerang against the Grimm.”

Harriet Bree was as glum as the rest of them, but suddenly she brightened. “Hold on a second! Maybe we can bring him back to life!” All of Ace Ops stared at her in amazement. Harriet grinned. “Yeah, it’ll totally work!”

“How?” Clover asked.

“Over by the old Dust mine, there’s this abandoned cemetery…”

“You mean where the workers are buried?”

“No! It’s a pet cemetery. The people of Mantle used to bury their dogs and cats there,” Harriet explained.

“That’s slightly racist,” Vine pointed out. “Burying a Faunus in a _pet_ cemetery?”

“No, no…it’s actually the plot dug into the side of the mountain.” The lights seemed to dim, and Harriet’s voice dropped with the room temperature. “It’s said that a witch once lived there.”

Elm raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “What, like Salem?”

“Maybe. It sounds like something she’d do. Anyway, the old legend goes that if you bury something in _that_ plot, they come back to life.”

“Bullshit,” the big woman snorted.

“No bullshit,” Harriet said, ice in her voice, enough that even Elm backed off. “The problem is…when you put them in there, and they come back…they’re not the same. They’re…not quite right.”

“What good is that?” Vine argued. “We don’t want Marrow coming back as some sort of Grimm!”

“Well, Marrow was a pretty good doggo—er, guy, so maybe it wouldn’t happen with him. Maybe it depends on what kind of person they were in life.”

A hand came up from the slab. “Uh…guys…” Marrow raised his head a little, painfully. “I’m not dead.”

“I guess it’s _possible,”_ Vine said, apparently not hearing him.

“I guess it’s worth a shot,” Elm agreed, apparently not hearing Marrow either. “What do you say, fearless leader?”

“Guys!” Marrow shouted. “I’m not dead! I just passed out for a minute after Elm hit me!”

Clover rubbed his chin in thought. “Worth a try. Elm, if you can get his legs, I’ll get his head. Vine, stand by help; Harriet, you can drive, since you know the way.”

“Gotcha, boss.” Elm grabbed Marrow’s legs, easily holding him despite the Faunus twisting around. Clover gently took his shoulders. 

“Dammit!” Marrow shouted. _“I’m not dead!”_

“Quiet!” Clover ordered. “You’ll be dead in a minute.”

Harriet leaned over Marrow, her eyes bright, shining, and terrifying. “Especially when we _bury you._ ”

Marrow screamed, trying to get free. Elm and Clover could hold it in no longer, and started laughing. They dropped him back on the “slab”—actually a table in the Ace Ops briefing room. Then Harriet began giggling uncontrollably, and even Vine guffawed. Marrow sat up, holding a throbbing head. “You guys suck,” he groaned.

Elm ruffled his hair. “Well, that’s what you get for getting blackout drunk, noob. You’re lucky I stopped Harriet from drawing on you.”

Clover put a hand on Marrow’s shoulder. “What did we learn tonight, Marrow?”

“Not to try to drink Elm under the table.”

“And?”

“Not to run around and tell people I’m a werewolf.”

“And?”

Marrow put his head in his hands, his tail drooping. “Not to bite Yang Xiao Long in the boob."

"Very good," Clover nodded. "Good to have you back with us, Marrow."

"Still should've let me draw on him," Harriet grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, this is sort of a sequel to Chapter 11 of this fanfic, "A Patch Werewolf in Atlas." 
> 
> Drinking is bad for you, Marrow.


	22. Who Ya Gonna Call?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the daughter of Ruby and Oscar wants a bedtime story, Ruby decides to tell her the totally true, completely accurate, would-I-lie-to-a-child story of how Salem arrived in Atlas on the back of a giant whale.
> 
> Back off, man. I'm a fanfic writer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who knows even a little about the original "Ghostbusters" knows what this chapter is about...but which part of the original?
> 
> And yes, "Geistbusters" was already taken by RWBY Chibi.

“Mommy?” Jade Pine asked. “Can you read me a bedtime story?”

“I could,” Ruby Rose-Pine answered her daughter, holding up _Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooey_. Then she threw the book over her shoulder, narrowly missing her husband Oscar. “Or I could tell you about how we kept Salem from taking over Atlas!”

Oscar beetled his eyebrows together in confusion, but Jade clapped her hands. “Yay! War story!” She snuggled into her pillow, clutching her stuffed Crescent Rose. “Is Daddy in this one?”

“Um, no,” Ruby replied, glancing at Oscar. She didn’t want to tell her daughter that Daddy had been getting shot by General Ironwood at the time. “But Auntie Blake and Yang and Weiss are in it!”

“Yay!” Jade cheered again.

Oscar sat in a rocking chair, smiling, while Ruby leaned close to their daughter. “So there we were…atop the floating city of Atlas…”

Team RWBY stood together on the main tower of Atlas. Before them, atop a dais at the highest point of the tower, stood Salem the Undead Queen of the Grimm, gazing down at her enemies contemptously in her black leather and bone battle armor. 

“She’s in armor,” Blake observed. 

“I didn’t think Salem was a fighter,” Yang said. 

“She’s a witch. She can be whatever she wants to be,” the Faunus replied.

“Well, whatever she is, she’s got to get by us!” Ruby yelled defiantly. 

“Right!” Weiss agreed.

Ruby smiled. “Go get her, Weiss!” Weiss turned and looked at Ruby like the latter had taken leave of her senses, to which Ruby only nodded in encouragement. Given that no one else was stepping up, Weiss took a deep breath, wondered when she'd been nominated to be the team spokeswoman, and walked a few paces towards Salem. The witch smiled down at her, equal parts impressed with her courage and incredulous at her temerity. 

“Salem the Witch!” Weiss addressed her firmly. Salem’s smile only widened, and Weiss involuntarily swallowed. “Good evening!” The greeting came automatically. “As a duly designated representative of the city, realm and kingdom of Atlas, I order you to cease any and all evil activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!”

Blake covered her eyes, while Yang smothered a laugh. “That ought to do it,” Ruby said sarcastically. “Thanks very much, Weiss.” 

Salem faced down the former Schnee heiress. “Are you a god?” she asked.

Weiss was taken aback. What kind of question was that? Helplessly and reluctantly, she looked to Ruby for assistance. Her team leader was no help: Ruby just nodded and gave her a thumbs-up. Weiss gave it some thought, then answered honestly. “Well…no…”

Salem twisted to one side, and dark purple flames appeared along her arms. “Then, _DIE!”_ She unleashed bolts of pure force with unerring aim, blowing Team RWBY off their feet, driving them backwards, and nearly off the tower to their deaths. Somehow, their Auras held, and they were able to grab hold of anything they could before they could fall. Salem’s magic dissipated, and they pulled themselves back from the brink.

Yang had ended up on top of one of the tower’s guardrails. “Weiss,” she said, looking down at her, “when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say _yes!”_

Ruby helped Blake to her feet. “All right.” She stepped forward, taking the lead. “This chick is _toast!”_ Team RWBY drew courage from their leader, and all of them assumed a tactical formation. “Got your stick?” Ruby called out.

“Holding!” the rest of the team replied, each drawing their weapons.

“Heat ‘em up!” Ruby ordered. She chambered a round in Crescent Rose.

“Smoking!” the team yelled. Blake cocked Gambol Shroud, Yang readied Ember Celica, Weiss rotated the Dust chambers on Myrtenaster, selecting Fire. 

“Make ‘em hard!” 

“Ready!” Team RWBY leveled their weapons. 

Ruby stared at Salem with the pure silver eyes of Summer Rose. “Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we did things at Beacon.” 

Team RWBY opened fire. Bullets, shells, and Dust flew at Salem, each one with enough force to pulverize, incinerate, or vaporize a human being. But Salem was no longer there. Just before the rounds would have hit, she leapt into the air, somersaulted, twisted, and landed behind the team in a three point stance. She only grinned at the four women and slowly rose to her full height.

“Nimble little minx, isn’t she?” Yang grinned.

“We’re going to go full power,” Ruby ordered. “Hit her again!”

At closer range this time, Team RWBY opened up once more. This time, however, the witch simply disappeared as the rounds struck her. 

The girls looked at each other in amazement. “That wasn’t so hard,” Yang quipped. 

Weiss shrugged. Jinn had told them Salem couldn’t be killed…but she was gone. She examined the spot where Salem had been standing. There was nothing, nothing at all. “We neutronized her,” she said. “You know what that means? A complete particle reversal!”

Yang cocked Ember Celica dramatically. “We got the tools, we got the talent!”

Ruby put out her hand. “It’s milk time!” Yang slapped her hand down on Ruby’s, followed by Weiss.

Blake, however, was still looking at the spot Salem had been. “Girls…we have a problem here.”

“What?” Yang asked, a little miffed at the Faunus upsetting the victory celebration.

“We were shooting at a ghost. Salem was never here. It was an illusion...like a projection of some kind.”

“Bull!” Ruby protested. “ _Something_ damn near blew us over the edge!” She pointed downwards.

“Which is a rather low-level spell for someone like Salem, don’t you think?” Blake slapped her hand down on the spot. “She can throw annihilation spells! Remember what Jinn showed us! And she hits us with force bolts or whatever?”

“Blake has a point,” Weiss said. “That was awfully low power for her.”

Whatever Ruby or Yang was going to say in reply was drowned out by a sudden roll of thunder. A blast of frozen wind rushed over them, forcing them to turn away. Clouds roiled over Atlas. “Dumb creatures!” a voice came from the clouds, sounding vastly amused; it was unmistakably the taunting tones of Salem herself. “Salem the Witch, Salem the Undead, Salem the Queen of the Grimm has come! Choose and perish!”

“What do you mean, ‘choose’?” Weiss yelled at the clouds. “We don’t understand!”

“Choose!” Salem thundered. “Choose the form of what I ride into Atlas! Choose the form of your destructor!”

“Oh, I get it!” Ruby laughed. “I get it! Very cute.” She turned to her team. “It's whatever we think of! If we think of Zwei, Zwei will appear and destroy us! Okay, so empty your heads! Don’t think of anything! We’ve only got one shot at this!” Blake and Yang nodded, though both wondered if that meant Salem would simply float into Atlas on nothing at all. 

“The choice is made!” Salem cackled. “I am coming!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Ruby protested. “Nobody chose anything!” She pointed at Blake. “Did you choose anything?”

“No!” the Faunus confirmed.

“Did you, Yang?”

“My mind is totally blank!”

“I didn’t choose anything!” Ruby shouted at the heavens. Then she realized she hadn’t asked Weiss. The rest of the team turned to look at the former heiress, who wore an expression of mixed horror and shock. Weiss looked guiltily at Ruby. “I couldn’t help it,” she said softly. “It just popped in there.”

“What?” Ruby demanded. “What just popped in there?”

“I…I tried to think…”

“ _Look!”_ Blake screamed, pointing to seaward. She ran over, jumped on the parapet, and hung onto an antenna. 

“No! It can’t be! It can’t be!” Weiss said, stunned. 

“What did you do, Weiss?” Yang snapped. Then she saw. “Oh shit.”

It came out of the clouds, which turned red with its passing. Slowly, it came into view. It was a Grimm, but the largest Grimm Remnant had ever seen, nearly as big as Atlas itself. 

It was a giant whale.

“Now that’s something you don’t see every day,” Ruby observed.

“Ruby.” Oscar smiled, putting a gentle hand on his wife’s shoulder. “She’s asleep.”

“I know,” Ruby said softly. She bent over and kissed the slumbering Jade—who was a six-year-old terror when she was awake, but looked like an angel now. Ruby smiled. She and Oscar had made a beautiful baby. 

Slowly, quietly, she got to her feet and followed her husband out of Jade’s room. He shut the door. “Is that how it really happened?” he asked her. “I was falling down through Atlas’ central shaft at the time, so I don’t remember.”

“No,” Ruby laughed. “But it worked, didn’t it? It got her asleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D'awww. I knew I'd find a way to work some Rosegarden into this. *And* a Calvin and Hobbes reference.
> 
> I originally was going to play this pretty straight, but with Jacques Schnee shutting down the containment unit (which would give Ruby the chance to use Venkman's immortal line--"This man has no dick"), but then I watched the scene with Gozer, thought of the ending to Season 7, and it fell into place to have it be Ruby's version of what really happened--which is a lot more heroic than running for their lives from Atlas. 
> 
> Plus Salem as Gozer? I'd watch that. I'd watch that twice.


	23. The Jaune Ditch Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pyrrha finds a mysterious VHS tape in Team JNPR's room. She wonders what's on it...and why Jaune is missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case the title didn't give it away, this chapter clearly parodies "The Blair Witch Project." It also heavily references RWBY Chibi Season 2, Episode 5 ("Girls Rock!") and Season 3, Episode 11 ("In the Clutches of Evil"). If you haven't seen those two episodes, this chapter might not make a lot of sense... (of course, it might not make a lot of sense anyway).

Pyrrha Nikos knocked politely on Team RWBY’s door. It opened, revealing Ruby Rose. “Oh, hey, Pyrrha. What’s up?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.” Ruby held open the door and Pyrrha walked into the room. The reaper noticed that she was holding a plastic bag. “What’s in the bag?”

Pyrrha looked around. “Where’s Weiss and Blake?” Yang sat on top of her bunk, leafing through a comic. 

“Weiss is at the library, as usual,” Ruby grumped. She'd wanted to hang out with her unofficial bestie-better-than-the-restie, but Weiss seemed oblivious.

“Blake went into town. _Howling at the Moon II: More Howling_ came out today.” For once, Yang didn’t scoff at the title, like she did with the _Ninjas of Love_ series; the _Howling_ books were actually pretty good gothic horror.

Pyrrha held up the bag. “I found this on Nora’s bed. She and Ren went into town as well. And I can’t seem to find Jaune.” She motioned at Ruby to take it. The reaper did, then looked into the bag. It was an old VHS tape. “I shouldn’t touch it directly,” Pyrrha explained. “My Semblance is magnetism; I might accidentally erase it.”

“Oh. Oh yeah, we…we wouldn’t want that.” Ruby hesitantly took the tape. “Huh. No label.” She shrugged. “Probably blank.”

“Probably,” Pyrrha agreed. She pointed at the tape, careful not to touch it. “It does appear to be one-third played, or maybe recorded over though.” She shrugged. “I’m just curious. Don’t you have an old VHS player? The one you took out of the rec room when the school was going to get rid of it, after that incident with the soggy girl?”

“Oh, that one?” Yang put down the comic. “It didn’t work right, so we tossed it.”

“Then what’s that under the bed?” Pyrrha pointed under Blake’s bunk.

Yang dropped down. “Oh, hey, what do you know? I thought we pitched this, Ruby!”

Ruby laughed, a little too loudly. “Blake must’ve kept it.”

“Well, then, could we _please_ watch the tape?” Pyrrha asked. “I’m quite curious as to what’s on it.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Ruby said. “I mean…it might not be something you want to see.”

“Yeah, like Ren and Nora’s sex tape!” Yang added.

Pyrrha raised an eyebrow. “The part that has been watched and/or recorded is approximately six minutes long. I should think Ren can last longer than that.” Her cheeks colored slightly, but she continued. “There is something you two are hiding from me, and I intend to find out.” Pyrrha’s voice usually had a friendly tone in it, or a sad one. This time, Ruby and Yang noticed with not a small amount of fear, there was anger. They had seen an angry Pyrrha before, and never wanted to see it again.

“It was Nora’s idea!” Ruby blurted.

“Oh, sure, let’s throw Nora under the bus!” Yang yelled at her. She faced Pyrrha. “Now, Pyr…” Then even Yang wilted under that merciless green gaze. “Yeah, it was totally Nora.”

Pyrrha pointed at the tape again. “I want to see the tape. _Now.”_

The two sisters scrambled to set up the VHS to the dorm room’s small TV while Pyrrha waited, tapping her foot impatiently. Then they stuck the tape into the player and both Ruby and Yang took cover on their beds while Pyrrha watched it, and them.

The tape started with a brief bit of static, then resolved to Jaune’s face. He was wearing his hoodie, with the hood pulled up; they could not see anything but his eyes and nose. Behind him was nothing but darkness. Even from what little they could see of him, he looked utterly petrified, his face paler than usual, tears in his eyes and snot in his nose.

Then he began to speak, shakily, trembling. “I…I just want to apologize to Ruby…and Yang…and Nora. I am sorry, everyone. I was very naïve. I am so, so sorry. For everything that has happened. Because in spite of what Pyrrha might say now, it is my fault. Because it was my project…and I insisted. I insisted on everything. I insisted on playing the Huntsman. I insisted that we keep going. I insisted that Zwei come with me. Everything had to be my way. And this is where I’ve ended up. And it’s all because of me that I’m here now. Hungry, cold, and hunted.” He kept looking around, as if there was indeed something stalking him in the deep dark. He looked on the verge of a complete breakdown. “I…I love you, Mom and sisters.” He sobbed. “I am so sorry.” Then he glanced to one side, eyes wild. There was the briefest noise, like a twig snapping. “What is that?” He kept staring at something off to his right. “I’m…I’m scared to close my eyes…I’m scared to open them…” Tears streaked down his face. “I’m gonna die out here.” Then the tape clicked off, and went back to static.

“Uh, Pyrrha…we can explain…” Ruby began. 

“You,” Pyrrha snarled. She stabbed a finger towards the wall. “Go stand in the corner.” Ruby nodded frantically. Once she was standing in the corner, facing away from them, afraid to even move, Pyrrha whirled on Yang. “Explain,” she ordered.

Yang sighed. “Okay, okay. We found out that Jaune’s been dressing up like a weirdo—“

“The Huntsman,” Pyrrha corrected. “I’m _quite_ aware of that, Yang.”

“Right. Well, then you know he’s been borrowing Ruby’s cape, Ember Celica, and Nora’s Magnhild.” Pyrrha nodded angrily. “Without permission.”

“He…oh.” Some of the rage left Pyrrha’s face. She hadn’t known that.

“Right. So anyway, we caught him last night. And as punishment, we made him run through the woods…and hunted him down.”

The anger rushed right back into Pyrrha’s face and voice. “And _what_ did you do?”

Yang shrank back. “Nothing, Pyr! I swear on…on Ruby’s head!”

“Hey!” Ruby protested.

“We didn’t do anything!” Yang said. “We were just going to scare the crap out of him so he knows not to borrow stuff without permission! Especially our weapons!”

“And my cape!” Ruby added.

“Silence!” Pyrrha thundered. Every metal object in the room, from the refrigerator to the clasps in Ruby’s cape, began to vibrate dangerously. Yang swallowed in fear, wondering if the rumor that Pyrrha could rip the iron out of someone’s blood was true. “Where. Is. He.”

“In the school infirmary—wait, Pyrrha! Let me explain!” Yang could swear that Pyrrha’s eyes had begun to glow. “When we were chasing him, he slipped and fell into a drainage ditch! He got completely soaked, and twisted his ankle. Nora carried him to the nurse’s office. He’s gonna be okay…matter of fact, he’ll probably come hobbling up the stairs any time now!” _I hope,_ she thought. “We didn’t mean to hurt him, I swear!”

“What about that tape?” Pyrrha demanded.

“We gave him an old videocamera and told him he’d better film his punishment. It was a bad idea, okay? We shouldn’t have done it, but…er…Nora insisted! She brought the camera and the tape!” That last part was actually true. Nora had been enraged that Jaune had taken her beloved hammer. 

“Borrowing your equipment was wrong,” Pyrrha seethed, “but hunting a man like a Grimm? What is _wrong_ with you three?”

“Pyrrha?” Ruby asked in a small voice. “You didn’t already murder Nora, did you?”

“I haven’t murdered anyone. Yet.” Pyrrha reached out a hand, empowering her Semblance. Her intention was to jerk the tape out of the player to her hand, then erase it. She’d then think of some suitable punishment for the sisters for daring to harm her ~~fiancee boyfriend significant other~~ best friend.

Unfortunately for Pyrrha, her anger made her Semblance harder to control. Instead of tearing the tape out of the VHS player, she actually only hit rewind and then play. The tape rewound, clicked, and started from the beginning. The static resolved itself again, but it wasn’t a frightened Jaune on the tape. It was actually a rather heroic Jaune, wearing his hoodie again, but also Ruby’s cape and a mask.

“You, Red Huntress!” he growled. “Remember how I said from now on, you have my undivided attention?” The camera went up and down in a clear nod. Jaune came closer to the camera, a smile on his face. “And how I said I would chase after you, day and night, and wouldn’t rest until I catch you?”

“I certainly do,” they heard Pyrrha’s voice say. Then the camera jittered a bit, becoming hard to follow, until it stabilized with a view of Team JNPR’s dorm room…from the floor. In the background, they could hear Pyrrha giggling, a rather comical growl from Jaune, and the squeak of bedsprings. In front of the camera, Pyrrha’s sash landed on the floor, followed by his hoodie and pants, her skirt, then his boxers and her panties. “Keep the mask on,” Pyrrha breathed, “you’re sexier that way, Jau—er, Huntsman!” Something bopped into the camera, there was another giggle, and the screen went black again, then static, then began playing Jaune's confession once more. Yang reached out and hit the pause button.

There was silence in Team RWBY’s dorm room to which one might count ten. Then Ruby and Yang, who had been watching the TV, slowly turned to face Pyrrha. The Invincible (but no longer Virginal) Girl of Mistral was flattened against the door, her face a bright red.

“Pyrrha?” the girls said in unison.

“I…I just want to apologize…” Pyrrha began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pyrrha's a bit OOC here, but you do NOT mess with Jaune while she's around. But as Nora said, it sounds like someone had a good night.


	24. Tentacles, Oh My!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emerald Sustrai is asked by Salem to act as her secretary while she talks to Arthur Watts...using a Seer Grimm. 
> 
> The problem is, Seer scare the crap out of Emerald. She's worried they can be used for other...things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not based on any particular show or movie, though there's some, shall we say, questionable anime out there that involve this sort of thing.

“Well, that should be it for today,” Salem addressed her minions. “I think we covered all of the items on the checklist, save one—and I will take care of that presently. Hazel, what do we have for dinner tonight?”

Hazel Rainart was more or less back in Salem’s good graces, after being in the doghouse for weeks after the failure at Haven. “Chicken Vacuo,” he rumbled. 

“Splendid! Mercury, there are a pair of Beowolves who have gone rogue on the North Ridge; would you be a dear and kill them for me?”

“Why do _I_ have to do it?” Mercury Black leaned back in his chair. His flippant attitude towards Salem was either the height of bravery or the height of stupidity; either way, Salem was impressed and amused enough with his temerity that she let it slide.

Salem shrugged. “I suppose I could assign Emerald to do it, but I planned on having her take notes when I speak with Dr. Watts. Unless you want to do that…”

“I’ll go and get the Grimm,” Mercury answered.

“Good. Dismissed. Emerald, not you—as I said, I need you here to take notes.”

Emerald swallowed involuntarily, out of fear. “Y-Yes, Mistress Salem.”

Mercury touched her shoulder as he left. “Good luck,” he whispered. Emerald nodded shakily. Salem noticed the exchange, but said nothing. 

As the two men left through the doors, a Seer Grimm made its way into the throne room. Emerald was fervently glad the table was between her and the Grimm, because it quite frankly scared the hell out of her. Beowolves, Lancers, even Beringals didn’t frighten her overmuch; she could rely on her illusion Semblance and her twin pistols to destroy them. The Seer shouldn’t either, especially since it was nowhere near as vicious as other Grimm, nor was it much of a threat: she could probably down one in a single shot. Yet there was something about it, from the glowing orb at its top, studded with bone, to the tarry “leg” that hung loosely from the sphere and was its main mode of transportation, floating along on it. And that wasn’t even the worst part: hanging from the orb’s circular “torso” were six tentacles, each tipped with a razor sharp claw. The Seer could use that to grip objects…or it could use them to grab prey and stab or strangle it to death.

Or worse.

Emerald somehow managed to keep her composure as the Seer glided over to sit next to Salem. She also managed not to run screaming from the room as the witch made Emerald sit closer; both the table and the Queen of the Grimm were still between the thief and the Seer, but that was still too close for Emerald. Salem touched the Grimm’s orb, and the soft amber glow inside coalesced into the mocking smile of Arthur Watts. He pulled back from the Seer on the other side of Remnant, in Atlas, showing his entire face. Salem asked him a few questions about how the operation was going in Atlas, while Emerald took notes in a book with a pencil. She found that as long as she didn’t look at the Grimm, she could handle it…even if it kept making its horrible clicking noise. She’d rather listen to a Nevermore’s cry or a Beowolf’s howl than listen to that clicking noise.

Salem noticed Emerald’s discomfiture, and decided to test the thief a little. Mentally, she commanded one of the Seer’s tentacles to slowly inch its way across the table. Emerald didn’t notice until one of the spikes tapped on the page she was writing on. She looked up, screamed, and fell off her chair, the pencil flying to parts unknown.

The witch smiled. “I think that will do it, Arthur. Continue with the operation. I should be leaving in a day or two.”

Watts was clearly suppressing a laugh. “Will do, Mistress Salem. Convey my sympathies to poor, poor Miss Sustrai.” Then he did laugh, before the Seer on the other end clicked off. The Seer in the throne room’s orb returned to its amber glow. Salem turned to Emerald, who was hurriedly getting back in her chair; the tentacle had retreated back to the Grimm. “Are you quite all right?” she asked Emerald.

“Yes…yes, Mistress Salem,” Emerald stammered. “I was…just surprised, that’s all.”

Salem leaned on one hand. “Do you… _fear_ the Seers, Emerald? You don’t seem to be overly afraid of other Grimm.” There was no point in lying. Emerald nodded quickly as she resumed her seat. “Curious,” the witch remarked. “There is nothing to fear…nothing, as long as you don’t displease me.” She reached out, and the Seer curled a tentacle around her wrist.

“Um…sure…” Emerald did not look in the least convinced. “But…but I heard what one of them did to Lionheart.”

“He displeased me.”

“Uh, yeah, but…there’s other reasons.”

Salem released the Seer. “Such as?”

Emerald looked down, her cheeks coloring in embarrassment. “I’m…I’m kind of afraid to say.” _Because I’m worried I’m right,_ she thought.

“Tell me,” Salem requested. When Emerald was silent for too long, the witch repeated herself. “Tell me, Emerald, or I may just make your worst fears come true.” The threat was made without malice or raising her voice, almost conversationally, which made it somehow worse.

“You would use it to do more than kill,” the thief said, her hands shaking. “You’d use it for…you know…um…”

“Yes?” Salem raised an eyebrow, her fingers drumming on the table impatiently.

“For…uh …” She couldn’t say it. “I’m afraid of its tentacles…you know…er...”

Salem stared at her for a moment, then laughed. “Emerald, Emerald…it will do no such thing! Grimm cannot have sex; they don’t have genitalia.”

“Well, that doesn’t matter when you have tentacles!” Emerald shrilled. “They can just…er…you know.”

The Grimm Queen shook her head. “I’m afraid I do not.”

_Oh boy,_ Emerald thought, her heart racing, _I really stepped in it this time._ There was no option of going back, so she went forward as best she could. “Um…so when we were at Beacon, we watched this cartoon…animation thing. I think that big guy, Yatsuhachi, called it anime or something. But anyway, it was about all these nubile high school girls getting attacked by tentacle monsters. And a lot of them looked like that.” She pointed at the Seer. “Anyway, they used their tentacles to…er, penetrate all the girls’ orifices. If you get my meaning.”

Salem slowly nodded. “Ah, I see. And you worry that the Seers might attack you.” She reached across and actually took Emerald’s hand in one of her cool ones. “It’s quite all right, my dear. The Seer are not like other Grimm. They do not attack unless instructed. And I would never order it to attack you…again, unless you displeased me. And even if you _did_ displease me, I would never stoop to rape. That is disgusting. Tear you limb from limb, perhaps. Strangle you as I did Lionheart, certainly. But not rape. Even I have _some_ standards.” She took her hand away. “So you are safe, Emerald.”

Emerald sighed. That was something at least. She still didn’t like the damn things. “Will there be anything else, Mistress?”

Salem shook her head. “No, that will be all, Emerald. Thank you.” The thief bowed her head, spared the Seer one last shudder, and left.

After a moment, the witch yawned and stretched, then dismissed the Seer. She left the throne room, smiling. “Using a Seer to rape someone…how bizarre. I would never do that. What kind of person do these people think I am?” As Salem walked down a spiral staircase into the depths of the Evernight Castle, she remembered the few times during her long, immortal life that people had tried to rape her. She’d reduced them to protoplasmic slime…if they were lucky. 

She came to a locked door, and waved her hand. It clicked open, and after she went in, closed behind her. She reached up and undid her robe, letting it fall to the floor. Naked, she walked into a larger chamber, and illuminated it with a globe of soft light that rose to the ceiling. Before her lay a nightmare that would’ve caused Emerald to faint: a Grimm octopus, its bulbous head surmounted by two huge glowing red eyes, bone spurs protruding from the rubbery torso of the creature. As Salem approached, its tentacles unrolled themselves towards her. 

“Tentacle rape is for the sick,” Salem laughed. “But when it’s consensual…well, that’s an entirely different story!” She flung her arms out as the tentacles flowed around them. “Now let’s have some fun!”

_Not again,_ sighed the Octogrimm. _This is the fourth time this week, and it's only Wednesday._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you're immortal, you get bored. Very bored.


	25. Nighttime and Summon Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When planning on ways to eliminate Ruby Rose before the assault on Atlas begins, Cinder Fall remembers the urban legend of the Candyman, and wonders if the Candyman could be summoned to kill Ruby. Neo Politan doesn't think so.
> 
> Though that doesn't mean that Neo doesn't have other ideas...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if this was going to work after a friend suggested "Candyman" as a good horror movie, but once I got to writing, it turned out pretty good, if weird. Oh well--it's not like any of these are supposed to make sense anyway.

“And that’s how I’ll get the powers of the Winter Maiden!” Cinder Fall laughed. She rubbed her hands together in an approved evil fashion. “And then we’ll see what Raven Branwen is _really_ capable of, the overpowered Mary Sue that she is!” Cinder laughed, just a shade maniacally. “What do you think about that, Neo?”

Cinder asking a mute assassin a question wouldn’t seem to make a lot of sense to the casual bystander, if there was one in the rented hotel room they were staying in, and either Cinder or Neo wouldn’t give them a cruel, screaming death. This was doubly true as Cinder could understand only a little of Neo’s sign language. However, the short girl had proven herself to be adept at other forms of “sign” language. In response to Cinder’s question, Neo grabbed a small whiteboard and quickly wrote on it: ABOUT THE PLAN OR RAVEN? 

“The plan,” Cinder said. Neo nodded and threw her a thumbs-up. Then she set down the sign, and used her illusion Semblance to turn into Ruby Rose. Just the sight of her nemesis—who had blown off an arm, an eye, and left a good portion of Cinder’s left side scar tissue—made Cinder really want to kill something. Her Grimm arm seemingly itched for blood, but the only person in the immediate area to slay was Neo, and Cinder needed her. “No,” Cinder sighed, “we are _not_ going after Ruby Rose. The Relic and the Winter Maiden come first.” The Relic of Knowledge was needed to get back into Salem’s good graces; the Maiden for Cinder’s own power.

Neo transformed back into herself in a shower of pink crystals, but it wouldn’t take a mind-reader to know that the assassin was well and truly upset. Cinder knew why: Neo blamed Ruby for her lover Roman Torchwick’s death. Cinder wanted revenge as well—probably moreso than Neo—but also knew she had to have priorities.

Still, there was something tempting about removing Ruby Rose from their lives. And Cinder then remembered just the thing. “Neo,” she began, as she paced back and forth in front of the room’s picture window, “have you ever heard of the legend of the Candyman?” Neo gave her a look that she accurately translated as _Really?_ “Hear me out,” the Fall Maiden said. “Now according to this legend, you face a mirror, chant ‘Candyman’ five times, and he will appear. Then you tell him who you want to kill, and he goes off and does it…though there can be only one target. He cannot be stopped. So we could send him to go kill Ruby.” Neo raised both eyebrows in clear disbelief. Cinder smirked. “You don’t believe me? What if I told you that Salem herself verified this legend to me as absolutely true?”

Neo picked up the whiteboard and wrote a single word: BULLSHIT.

“It is not!” Cinder insisted. “Neo, think about it. The Maidens are legends, are they not?” Cinder ran her hands down her slender body. “And yet one stands before you. Salem is a legend, and yet she’s the one we more or less work for. Why is it so hard to believe that this Candyman could exist? And that we could send him after Ruby Rose?”

Neo stared at her for a moment, then erased the board and wrote for a considerable time. When she was done, she held up the board again. NO, Neo had written, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT. YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT, NOT THE LEGEND. THE CANDYMAN DOESN’T GO KILL WHOEVER THE SUMMONER WANTS, THE CANDYMAN KILLS THE SUMMONER. She had underlined that part. 

“That seems rather inefficient,” Cinder said. “What’s the point of summoning a supernatural killer if the killer kills you?” Neo shrugged. The Fall Maiden aped the motion. “Besides, how do _you_ know?” Neo turned into Roman Torchwick and back again. “Roman told you? And you believed him?”

Neo’s cheeks bulged in rage, which would’ve been cute if she hadn’t been psychotic. She angrily erased the board and scrawled across it ROMAN KNEW LOTS ABOUT URBAN LEGENDS.

_I suppose that is a good possibility,_ Cinder considered. _After all, he grew up in the city, and I didn’t. And Salem’s been wrong before about such things. Supposedly she could summon creatures that could kill you in your dreams and unstoppable zombies, but_ I _never saw her do it. All that grumpy old bitch did was make Grimm._

“You’re certain?” she asked Neo. Neo nodded. “You’re not just saying that because you want to be the one that kills Ruby and not some killer phantasm?” Neo paused for a moment, then shook her head. Cinder didn’t believe her for a second, but that didn’t mean that Neo was wrong about the rest of it. While it was highly unlikely that some sort of murderous ghost could kill a Maiden, there was really no reason to try it anyway. She didn’t need to risk losing any _more_ body parts. “Well…all right then, Neo. We won’t try the Candyman.” Cinder yawned. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll get some rest.” She wondered if the thought of summoning an urban legend had been because she was tired.

That night, Cinder was awakened from a dream where she was burning Ruby Rose alive while her friends watched helplessly. Someone was approaching her door. Cinder sat up in bed and mentally reached out with the Maiden powers. By the soft tread, she could tell it was likely Neo, barefoot. Sure enough, a moment later, there was a knock at the door. “Come in, Neo,” Cinder said, yawning. She really wanted to tell Neo to go away, but it might be important. "What do you want? I was in the middle of a wonderful dream."

Neo entered the darkened room. She wore a T-shirt that was three sizes too big as pajamas. She seemed rather excited. “What is it?” The assassin pointed towards the bathroom. “You want to use my bathroom? What’s wrong with yours?” Neo stomped her foot and stabbed a finger at the bathroom. “You want me to go into the bathroom?” A happy nod. “Oh…all right.” 

Cinder got out of bed and threw on a robe; she habitually slept naked because she now gave off enough ambient heat to cause the bedsheets to smolder, and she wanted to get her deposit back on the room. She followed Neo into the spacious bathroom. Neo held up her whiteboard for Cinder to see: I WANT YOU TO CHANT CANDY THIEF INTO THE MIRROR FIVE TIMES.

Cinder blinked. “Why in the purple hell would I do that?”

A quick scrawl below the first sentence. BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO.

“That's stupid. I won’t do it,” the Fall Maiden said mulishly. 

Neo gave her a homicidal look, then erased the board and wrote a new message. IF YOU DON’T, YOU CAN WAVE BYE TO THE RELIC. I WON’T HELP YOU AT ALL.

“Oh, for…” Cinder rubbed her nose, realized she was about to do it with her Grimm hand (which would be painful) and used her still-human hand instead. The problem was, Cinder couldn’t kill Fria the Winter Maiden _and_ recover the Relic of Knowledge at the same time. She needed Neo. “All right, all right…you little pain in the ass.” Cinder faced the mirror, raised her arms (which seemed to be the thing to do in this sort of situation) and chanted “Candy Thief” five times. 

The mirror remained unchanged. Cinder and Neo looked at themselves. The Fall Maiden turned to the assassin. “I told you it wouldn’t—“

Then, out of the corner of one eye, Cinder saw the mirror slowly darken. A form materialized there. She took a step back as the form grew more solid and recognizable. Then a leg stepped through, then another, and Cinder’s jaw almost hit the floor. Standing in front of them, dusting off his white coat, was none other than Roman Torchwick. “What…what the…” Cinder stammered.

“Ah, thank you, Cinder!” Roman said happily. “I _do_ appreciate the favor. The afterlife was so _boring._ ” He tipped his bowler to her. Neo was jumping up and down in joy. He turned and scooped her up. “And now, if you don’t mind, Neo and I have things to do...and catch up on.” He waggled his eyebrows at her and strode off, Neo waving at Cinder, the biggest smile she’d ever seen on the assassin’s face. 

Cinder looked at the door, then looked at the mirror, then looked at the door again. “I don’t know what just happened.” She faced the mirror again. “Huh. I wonder what else I could summon.” Cinder thought about it, then clapped her hands in unholy plreasure. “Yes! Yes, of course!” 

She raised her hands and chanted the name of the Summer Maiden five times. Then she stepped back and used her Semblance to assemble her obsidian bow. A hotel bathroom was a bit close quarters for a Maiden fight, but Cinder thought that gave her an advantage. She'd shoot the Summer Maiden in the chest as they materialized, and take the power like she had from Amber.

Just as before, the mirror was unchanged for a moment, then darkened again, and once more a figure stepped out. Cinder’s remaining eye widened, she staggered backwards, and nearly dropped her bow. “No,” she moaned. “No…it can’t be…you’re dead…you _can’t_ be the Summer Maiden!”

Summer Rose threw back the white hood of her cloak. “Who said I was dead?” Silver flames erupted from her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I wasn't sure how to end this. One was that this was all a dream, but dammit, I want Neo to have a happy ending once in awhile. The second was that Cinder decides to summon Pyrrha, but that made no sense. Then it was Cinder summoning a pizza, but just as I was getting ready to post it, the question "What is Cinder's fondest wish?" popped into my head. Power, of course--the Maidens' power.
> 
> Be careful what you wish for, Cinder Fall.


	26. The Thing Of It Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teams RWBY and JNR are trapped at Amity Arena, far away from Mantle and Atlas, with a howling arctic wilderness and blizzard between them and home.
> 
> And Ruby's pretty sure someone in the group is not who they say they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, time to rip off the classic "The Thing" tonight.

Ruby looked at the assembled teams of RWBY and JNR. Outside their hut shelter below Amity Arena, near the old Dust mine, a blizzard howled. It was over a hundred miles back to Mantle and Atlas, and none of the vehicles would start. Nor could they radio anyone for help, as the radios weren't working either. They were stuck here until the blizzard blew itself out, or it warmed up enough for the vehicles to start again, or someone missed them back at Atlas. All of them had hit the sack, determined to see if the snow had stopped by morning, and to conserve energy and body heat.

Assuming, of course, that someone hadn’t sabotaged the trucks or the radios. Ruby was beginning to suspect that someone was not who they said they were, which was why she’d managed to tie everyone to their beds while they slept. 

“Well,” Blake sighed, “that’s the last time I fall asleep before Ruby does.”

“No kidding,” Yang agreed. “I mean, I don’t mind being tied up next to Blake, Rubes, but c’mon.”

Ruby didn’t answer. She looked at Weiss, who was also tied up. She nodded. Weiss knew what Ruby had to do, and supported her battle partner all the way.

“Ruby, I don’t know that this is necessary,” Ren said. Nora didn’t say anything, because she was too busy trying to chew through the nylon rope Ruby had used. 

“Yeah, Ruby…c’mon. I think I can get that truck started,” Jaune told her.

“Shut up.” Ruby grabbed Crescent Rose, pulled a fire Dust magazine out of one of her pouches, and slammed it home into the rifle. Then she cocked it, chambering a round. “All right, people, here’s the deal. One of you is an imposter…and I’m gonna find out.”

“An imposter?” Nora looked up from the rope. “Ruby, you’re being a bit weird!”

“I know, Nora,” Ruby said. “But the thing is…the trucks are rated to thirty below, and it’s not _that_ cold out there. And our radios are supposed to be able to get through to Atlas no matter what. And the trucks aren’t starting and the radios aren’t working. Which means…” Ruby surveyed the group and narrowed her eyes. “Someone in here isn’t who they say they are, and whoever that person is sabotaged everything.” 

“Rubes, c’mon,” Yang repeated. “It’s just a coincidence.”

“Uh huh. And that’s _just_ what an imposter would say.” Yang rolled her eyes, but Ruby didn’t waver. “I can’t even trust my own sister…because she might not _be_ my own sister.”

Ren nodded. “I see what you’re saying, Ruby. You may be correct.” He looked around as well. “One of us may indeed be a spy. A shapeshifter.”

“Shapeshifter?” Yang asked. “Like a werewolf?”

“Like Neo Politan,” Jaune answered somberly. “Yeah…she _would_ do something like this. Try to trap us out here in this and pick us off one by one.” He folded his hands in his lap. “Okay, Ruby, how do we find the imposter?”

“Very simple,” Ruby informed them. “I’m gonna ask each one of you a really personal question that I know the answer to. As long as you answer correctly, then you’re good. The first one who answers wrong is the spy…” Ruby tapped Crescent Rose “…and spies get fried.” She glanced around again. “Weiss, you go first.” The former heiress nodded. “Is my mom dead?” Another nod. “Okay, Ren’s turn.”

“Uh, Ruby,” Blake interrupted, “that was an easy question. Everyone knows your mother died.”

Ruby thought a moment. That _had_ been an easy one. “Okay, ask me a tough one, Blake.”

“What was Cinder wearing at the top of Beacon Tower when you blasted her?”

“Oh, good one. A red dress thing,” Ruby replied. Blake nodded and looked at Ren. “Ren,” Ruby asked, “where is Nora’s birthmark located?”

Nora turned red. “What the hell?”

“On the left cheek of her rear end,” Ren answered. “It’s shaped like a lightning bolt.”

Jaune was shocked. “Whoa, really?”

“Right!” Ruby confirmed. 

“I mean, that's true, but...how did you know?” Nora asked.

“Duh! We’ve showered together a lot!” Ruby leaned against the wall, Crescent Rose balanced in her hands. “Okay, Nora, your turn.” She racked her brain for something only Ren would know that she did too. “What’s Ren’s favorite sex position?”

Ren now turned red, and Blake rolled over as much as she could—Ruby had trussed her to the bed—to stare at her team leader. “How the—“

Nora grinned. “Reverse cowgirl! Ren likes to play with my—“

“I think that’ll do just fine,” Ren stopped her. “But yes, Ruby, how did you know _that_?”

“You two thought nobody noticed when we were on the road?” Ruby’s cheeks were a little pink too. “Yeah…but, um, anyway…okay, Jaune!”

“Oh gods.” Jaune steeled himself.

“What’s your favorite cartoon character?”

Jaune breathed easier; he thought Ruby was going to ask something perverted. “Pumpkin Pete.”

“Okay, okay…” Ruby then turned to Blake. “Okay, Blake…um…”

“What’s _Blake’s_ favorite sex position?” Yang chortled. The Faunus thrashed in her bunk, trying to get a hand free to slap Yang with it.

“I don’t know that one,” Ruby said, and she was very glad she didn’t. “What's your favorite book genre?”

Blake thought a moment. “Smut."

“Yep!” Ruby raised Crescent Rose and pointed it at her sister. Both Yang and Blake looked a bit concerned, because if Ruby opened fire and hit the imposter Yang with a fire Dust shell, it would probably barbecue both of them. “Okie dokie, Yang…if that’s who you really are…”

Yang faced Ruby directly. “You wrote a love letter to Sean Cena when you were twelve.”

Ruby’s mouth fell open. Not only did no one in the room know about that, but she didn’t know _Yang_ knew about that. “Er…uh…well…yeah…” She lowered Crescent Rose. “Well, so much for that. Everyone answered correctly. Now what?”

Jaune spoke up. “I read a book once where something like this happened. The main character tested everyone’s blood. Then he set the blood on fire. If it burned, they were human. When he tried the alien sample, the blood actually jumped out of the petri dish.”

“Not a bad idea,” Ruby said. “But I don’t think we’re looking for an alien.”

“Still, someone like Neo _might_ have blood that would react," Ren supplied. "It’s her Semblance. Maybe it would turn into pink crystals or something.”

“I guess it’s worth a try,” Ruby agreed. “Okay, everyone agree to having their blood tested?” She figured that the imposter might just give themselves away. Everyone nodded. “Who wants to go first?” Weiss waved for her attention. “You’re up then, Weiss.” 

Ruby found a stack of small dishes, left there by the Atlesian military unit that normally camped in the small hut. She set those on the windowsill, then got out her penknife—Ruby never left home without it, since it was good for digging out jams in Crescent Rose and cutting pickles. She sterlized it by heating it up under boiling water, then made a small nick in Weiss’ finger. Red blood welled up and dripped onto the plate. Weiss gasped a little with the pain, but gritted it out until Ruby had gotten enough. The reaper stepped back, poured out a little Dust from another fire shell, then sprinkled it on the blood. It burned—but then so would anything else. Still, since nothing weird happened, Ruby felt safe enough to cut Weiss loose. Her battle partner smiled, massaging her shoulders where the ropes had rubbed against them, and got out of bed. She shivered and grabbed a coat, since she—and everyone else—were still in their pajamas. 

“Okay, Blake, you’re next.” Blake held up a finger, and Ruby, after washing off the knife, approached her with it.

The door suddenly banged open, causing all of them to jump. Then they all stared at who was standing in the doorway. _“Weiss?!”_ at least three of them yelled.

Weiss shut the door behind her. “Who else would it be? After none of you reported in for six hours, we came to find you!” Then she noticed the other Weiss. “What the hell?”

This Weiss suddenly dissolved into pink crystals, reappearing as Neo Politan. “So _that’s_ who it was!” Jaune exclaimed. “How did we miss her?”

Neo’s fingers flew in elaborate gestures, a look of contempt on her face. “I don’t know what that means!” Ruby said, as both she and Neo glanced at Crescent Rose, leaning against the wall, but Weiss drew Myrtenaster first. Neo stepped back, and smiled, shrugging off the jacket. She was still wearing Weiss’ nightshirt, so that was no illusion, but even in sleepwear, she seemed quite confident. 

“I do,” Blake said. She’d taken the penknife out of Ruby’s hand, and cut herself free. She stared at the short assassin. “She’s saying that we’re all idiots for not noticing that she was the only one who didn’t say anything.”

“Oh.” Ruby shook her head. “Well, now I feel dumb.”

“Wait a second,” Weiss said. “If that’s Blake, then—“

The door banged open again, this time admitting Blake, who, like Weiss, was in her battle uniform. “Hey, everybody, what’s going—“ She saw Weiss. “Holy crap, there’s two Weisses, and—“ Then she saw herself. “What the _hell?”_

The other Blake stepped back, penknife at the ready. She smiled, and Blake’s form dissolved as well, but not into pink crystals. It just disappeared, leaving a fully-dressed Emerald Sustrai standing there. “Don’t move,” Emerald said. “We are going to go out the back way. Nobody has to get killed. I may not have my guns, but I know how to use this knife!” She moved next to Neo. 

“Mine’s bigger than yours,” Weiss informed her, and then blushed when she realized what she’d just said. 

Yang struggled to get out of the ropes. “Wait a second! If that’s the real Blake with Weiss, then who did I have sex with last night?”

Blake stared at Yang, then she stared at Emerald. The thief shrugged modestly. “I’m good, what can I say?”

"How did you know what kind of books Blake likes?" Nora wanted to know.

"Duh. Everyone knows Blake Belladonna reads filth." 

Blake bared her teeth and drew Gambol Shroud. "That's _romance,_ you bitch!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure all of you knew Neo was Weiss as soon as she didn't say anything. I threw Emerald in there just for fun. What a twist! 
> 
> How does this chapter end? I didn't feel like writing a three-page fight scene, so Neo and Emerald manage to escape. Into the arctic wilderness. Where they probably would freeze to death, just like in the actual movie. 
> 
> Nah...Salem would never let that happen. (To Emerald.)


	27. We All Scream for Ice Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby is making cookies for movie night, when she gets a phone call. The caller wants to play a game. If Ruby answers the questions right, Weiss gets to live. 
> 
> If not...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a particularly rough 24 hours, and originally this chapter was Ruby and Salem trying to make me feel better (as the Author) about writing tonight. Then I thought that was pretty depressing, and I remembered Drenosa's suggestion about "Scream." So I rewatched the first five minutes, and it all clicked into place. It's much funnier, and was a lot more fun to write. I actually feel a little better now.
> 
> This chapter gets meta in Ruby answering questions about horror movies, but when it comes to this story, you shouldn't think about that and other science facts.

Ruby Rose puttered around the kitchen of the Atlas Academy dorm, happily humming (tunelessly) as she switched on the stove and stuck a plate of cookies in to bake. She then reached into her shopping bag and pulled out a big package of chocolate chips. Ruby resisted the urge to tear open the package and devour the contents. _No,_ she stopped herself, _the last time I did that, Yang found me passed out in the sink._ She leaned back on the counter and watched the timer on the stove. 

Her Scroll beeped for her attention. She opened it, but didn’t recognize the number. _Oh great. I hope it’s not one of those robocalls for Robyn Hill. I can’t even vote for her; I’m not even registered in Atlas…_ Against her better judgement, she hit the call button. “Hello?”

“Why don’t you want to talk to me?”

_What the frickety frack…_ “Hey, isn’t this the guy that called me earlier? The wrong number?” 

“Yes,” the voice answered. “You tell me your name, I’ll tell you—“

Ruby rolled her eyes. “Is this Tyrian?”

“What? Um, no! No, it isn’t!”

“Right,” Ruby said sarcastically, “it totally is. I know your voice. It’s _kind_ of recognizable.”

“Well, it isn’t!” the voice insisted.

“Uh-huh. So how do you feel about Salem?”

“She is my _queen!_ I love her…uh…” The voice sighed. “Okay, fine…it’s Tyrian.”

“What do you want, Tyrian?” The stove chimed for her attention, and Ruby pulled on her cooking gloves.

“What’s that noise?”

“I’m baking cookies.”

“I love cookies,” Tyrian said, in a voice creepier than normal, if that was possible. “I only eat them at the movies.”

“Well, I was going to watch a movie. A scary one."

“Oh? You like scary movies?” Tyrian giggled. “What’s your favorite scary movie?”

“The one where the chick with the scythe chops off the scorpion guy’s tail.” Ruby hung up. “Moron.” She bent down, opened the stove, and pulled out the cookie tray. The smell of freshly baked cookies filled the room, bringing memories of home and her long-gone mother. Ruby smiled wistfully. 

Then her Scroll rang again. She looked at the number. It was the same one. “Really?” She hit the button. 

“I like scary—“

“Nope.” Ruby hung up, and went back to the cookies. She carefully opened the bag, inhaled the wonderful aroma of chocolate, and couldn’t resist munching on one chip. Or four. Then her Scroll rang again. Sighing, Ruby answered it. “Listen, asshole—“

“No, you listen to me, you little bitch!” Tyrian shouted. “You hang up on me again and I’ll gut you like a fish!”

“What kind of fish?” Ruby asked. “Like a trout, or a flounder—I mean, Blake knows that sort of thing—“

“Shut up!” Tyrian ordered. “Now we’re going to play a game. Can you handle that?”

Ruby nibbled on a cookie. “Mm-hmh. What do you want?”

“To see what your insides look like!” Tyrian cackled.

Ruby opened the refrigerator and looked around for some milk. “Skim? Yuck.”

“Didn’t you hear me, you bitch? I said—“

“I heard you. And didn’t Salem say she wanted me alive?”

There was silence on the phone. “Hmm. Yeah, she _did_ say that,” Tyrian admitted.

“Welp, I guess we’re all done then! No Ruby insides for you!” Ruby went to hang up the phone.

“Wait!” Tyrian yelled. “Look out the back door of the dorm. On the patio.”

Ruby sighed and crossed through the kitchen. Behind the first floor of the dorm was a patio and a pool. The pool was heated, but most of the students didn’t bother using it, as the air temperature was still freezing. She switched on the patio lights.

Weiss Schnee was sitting in a chair, tied up. Other than her hair being in disarray, she looked unharmed, but her eyes were wide with terror. “You tied up Weiss? I mean, that’s more Blake’s thing.”

Tyrian’s laugh of triumph abruptly stopped. “Wait, really? Blake Belladonna likes to be tied up? I never—dammit, bitch!” he shouted. “Quit distracting me!”

“Okay, okay,” Ruby said, nonchalantly leaning against the glass. “What do I have to do to get her loose?”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Tyrian said. “We’re going to play a game, like I said.”

“Sure.” Ruby checked her fingernails for dirt.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun. Here’s how we play. I ask a question. If you get it right, Weiss lives.”

“Okay. What’s the category?”

“Movie trivia. I’ll even give you a warmup question. Name the killer in _Halloween_. You know, the one with the mask that—“

“Michael Myers.” 

“Very good!” Tyrian laughed. “Now for a real one. Name the killer in _Friday the 13 th!”_

“Jason Voorhees’ mother, Pamela,” Ruby replied.

“I’m sorry, that’s the wrong answer!” Tyrian laughed. 

“Not in the first one. Now if you’re talking about the sequels, it would be Jason.”

“Afraid no…wait a minute.” There was a pause. Then a sigh. “You’re right.”

“So should I untie her now, or wait?” Ruby asked, bored.

“Not yet!” Tyrian snarled. “What is the name of the town that Freddy Krueger haunts?”

“Springwood.”

“Aha! Now she—er…” Tyrian paused again. “Dammit!”

“Give me something tough, will you?”

And for the next half hour, Tyrian Callows did. Ruby, who was pacing in between the kitchen to nibble on cookies and the patio door to make sure Weiss was still breathing, answered every question correctly. When she successfully named the second unit director on _Piranha 2,_ Tyrian was clearly beaten. “Okay, okay!” he growled. “Fine! You know everything about horror movies!” He sounded exasperated. “What kind of psycho _are_ you?”

“The Hitchcock kind,” Ruby yawned. “That remake sucked.”

“ _Aargh!_ Stop!” She could hear Tyrian stomping around. “All right. Final question.” He let out his hyenalike laugh. “What door am I at?”

Ruby stopped at that. “What?”

“There are two main doors to the dorm—the front doors and the patio door. If you answer correctly, _you_ live, never mind the Schnee girl.”

Ruby munched on her fifth cookie of the night—she was taking it slow. “Actually, there’s _three_ doors. The ones you just said, and the skylight on the roof.”

“The skylight? How could I be at the skylight?”

“Oh, you’re not,” Ruby said. “But Penny was.”

“Penny? Penny Polendina? That stupid robot?”

“Yep. And since I’m late for our scary movie night, she’s going to be at the front door at any time.”

“She’s not going to save you—“ There was a loud thump through the phone, then a scream, then the metallic sound of blades being drawn and readied, then another scream, then the sound of lasers being fired. Ruby waited patiently through more screaming and a distinct sizzling noise. The phone was silent, then she heard it being picked up. “Hi, Ruby!” Penny chirped. “I’m sorry, he got away. He ran really fast.”

“That’s okay, Penny.”

“We still on for scary movies?”

“You bet,” Ruby replied. “Let me go untie Weiss and I’ll meet you at the common.” Penny acknowledged and hung up. Ruby started humming again, unlocking the patio door and walking out to Weiss. She quickly untied her and carefully pulled the duct tape off her mouth. “I’m sorry about that, Weiss,” Ruby told her friend. “I had to keep that dipshit talking long enough for Penny to get down here to whip his ass.” It actually hadn’t taken half an hour, Ruby thought, but she had rather enjoyed listening to Tyrian realize who he was up against.

Weiss massaged her wrists. “I’m sorry he took me unawares so easily,” she apologized. “He left my Scroll on so I could hear.” She gave Ruby a hug. “How do you know so much about scary movies?”

“Duh, Weiss!” Ruby grinned. “I was born on Halloween!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm guessing action movies are more Ruby's thing, but there's no way you're born on Halloween and don't like scary movies. Tyrian had no idea who he was playing with.


	28. Birds of a Feather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team RWBY quickly flies down to Mantle when Penny reports a horrific attack on a local tavern by a pair of Grimm birds. 
> 
> Wait--Grimm birds?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another classic Hitchcock horror film--"The Birds"! I actually had not thought of this, but after watching the hilarious "So This is Basically RWBY" on YouTube, the light clicked on.

Penny Polendina paced nervously in Mantle’s town square. She was suddenly hit with a blast of wind, and smiled. Finally Team RWBY had arrived. Snow blew up into powder as the Bullhead hovered, and Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang jumped out onto the cobblestones. As the aircraft soared away, Penny came up and (gently) hugged Ruby. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said somberly. 

“We came as fast as we could,” Ruby replied. “What’s going on?”

“You said it was something that could threaten all of Mantle,” Blake added.

Penny nodded. “I’m afraid so. The power level is extreme, and if they should get out of East End…”

“East End?” Yang asked. “Isn’t that kind of the red light district around here? Bars and brothels?” Everyone turned to look at her, and Yang grinned sheepishly. “I mean, that’s what I heard…”

“So what is it?” Weiss wanted to know.

“Birds,” Penny said simply. 

“Birds,” Ruby repeated. 

“Very powerful birds,” Penny said. “I…I can’t explain it very well, I’m afraid.”

“Well, lead on,” Blake told her. “We’re wasting time just standing here.”

“Of course.” Team RWBY and Penny began running down the street, the team drawing and readying their weapons. Penny didn’t fly; she needed to tell them what was going on—or try to. “All I know is, I was called in by the Mantle police when they said one of the bars was under attack. When I got there, everyone was running away, screaming. The windows had already been broken out. A couple of people had been hurt—not badly, but enough to go to the hospital to get stitches. I rendered what assistance I could, and went in. There wasn’t much left of the bar.” Penny paused. “This is the weird part. The birds were Grimm. Two of them, but they were definitely Grimm.”

“What, like Nevermore?” Yang puffed out.

“No, smaller—much smaller. But I’ve never registered such power before. As you know, I’ve fought many Grimm, but these…” The droid shook her head. “The only power level I’ve seen this high before was Pyrrha Nikos. And it’s higher than even hers.”

“That’s not good,” Blake observed. Pyrrha’s Semblance had been enough to tear Penny apart at Amity Arena years before. Granted, it had been Penny’s monofilament blade cables, but Pyrrha was a mistress of magnetism; even without the cables ripping the robot literally limb from limb, she probably could have destroyed Penny. And now these Grimm birds were even more powerful than that.

“Yes, but why birds?” Weiss said. 

“It makes sense,” Blake answered. “Small, unobtrusive. They wouldn’t be detected by Atlesian military sensors; unless people looked at them, they would just assume they were normal birds. Until they attacked.” She shuddered despite herself. “And if there was a flock of them, every single one as powerful as Penny says…”

Team RWBY got very quiet as they rounded a corner and skidded to a halt in front of the bar—what was left of it. The street sparkled with glass shards. Smoke rolled out of one of the shattered windows. The bricks looked scorched in places. People were huddled in the alleys a block away from the bar, eyes wide in terror. A few applauded at the sight of Team RWBY; four Huntresses and the Protector of Mantle should be enough to take care of a pair of Grimm. Even very powerful, terrifying Grimm.

Suddenly, they heard a scream from inside—a female scream of horror. “Gods,” Weiss breathed. “Someone’s trapped in there.”

“No choice,” Ruby said, switching Crescent Rose from rifle to scythe. “Here’s the plan, gang. Weiss, you and me will go through the window on the right; Yang, Blake, you take the one on the left. Penny, you’re through the front door.” The door was actually still intact, though not for long: Penny deployed her blades into a funnel in front of her. They began to spin, building power for a high-energy laser shot. “On my mark…” Ruby slightly lowered herself, getting ready to push off on her back foot, scythe ready. “On three…two…”

“Gods _dammit,_ Qrow!”

The voice halted Team RWBY in their tracks. Penny glanced left and right, unsure if she should blow the door to splinters or not. Ruby glanced at Yang, whose eyes were now as huge as the onlookers'—but not in fear, in shock. “That’s…” she began, and before anyone could stop them, Yang ran to the front door. She didn’t blow it down with Ember Celica, however—she just opened it, stepped through, and stopped cold. Ruby looked at the others, shrugged, and joined her sister, while Penny powered down and Weiss and Blake looked through one of the windows. 

It was Qrow and Raven Branwen. They sat at one of the tables—Qrow did, in any case, though he was slumped in a chair rather than sitting. Raven was standing, franticall'y wiping her hands with a bar towel. “You sick bastard!” she yelled at her brother, then noticed Team RWBY staring at her. She smiled lopsidedly, and waved. “Oh, hey, Yang.” Then she stumbled backwards into the bar, slipped, and slid down it, still smiling. 

It was then the team realized that Qrow and Raven were stinking drunk.

“Oh, hey, Ruby,” Qrow slurred. “Me ‘n’ m’ sister were jus’ catchin’ up.”

Ruby went up to him. He looked like he had just taken on Salem and her horde with a can opener. He smelled like a brewery that had been carpet-bombed. His scythe, blade fully extended, lay forgotten, embedded in the bar. “Uncle Qrow,” Ruby sighed. “What a time to fall off the wagon.”

Yang went over to her mother—not that Yang really considered Raven her mother. She didn’t look any better. Omen, her sword, was rammed through one of the chairs. Her hair was in worse disarray than usual, a red bandanna hanging from one ear, her armor pitted and slashed, along with her tunic; Yang pulled that up a little, since Raven was one inch from revealing to all of Mantle that she hadn’t worn a bra. She smelled of smoke, fire, and cheap booze; when Raven belched, it threatened to blister the paint on Yang’s artificial arm. “What are you doing here?” Yang asked.

Raven waved nonchalantly. “Oh, y’know…jus' came here to beat the shit out of my bro…maybe see you…see if you’re still pissed at me…” To Yang’s surprise, her mother’s lower lip began to tremble, and suddenly the Spring Maiden burst into tears. “And you’re right to be pissed!” She buried her face in Yang’s bosom, weeping uncontrollably. “I’m a terrible mom!” She belched again.

Blake, Weiss and Penny stepped into the remains of the bar. If there was intact furniture besides the table and chairs Raven and Qrow were sitting on or next to, they couldn’t see it. Most of the alcohol in the place was either puddles on the floor or inside the Branwen twins. If Remnant had had thermonuclear weapons, the tavern looked like ground zero of a high-yield detonation. 

Qrow looked over at his sister and laughed. “Guess this means I win the arm wrestling contest.”

Raven took her face out of Yang’s cleavage long enough to shout “Fuck you, Qrow! You licked my hand, you sick fuck!” before she went back to bawling. 

Ruby got Qrow’s attention, mainly to stop him from snickering at Raven. “Uncle Qrow…did you two tear up this bar?”

“Yep!” He pointed towards her. “She comes in all grumpy and weepy, an' says she feels real bad about what happened back at Hav’n…an' I tell her she’s a dumb shit. An' she said she was gonna kill my ass, so I says ‘Yeah, well, hope you fight better’n you drink, lightweight.”

“And you two had a drinking contest.” Weiss was careful not to get too close, and quietly spun Myrtenaster’s Dust chambers to ice. She had loaded it with fire, but one stray spark and the entire block would explode. 

“Yep!” Qrow repeated. “An' then she said somethin’ bad about Tai, an' I says ‘You don’t talk that way about my bro-in-law,’ an' she says ‘Fuck him,’ an' I says ‘Ya already did, that’s how you got Yang’ an' she gets all cryin’ in her beer and shit. Then I tried to be nice, she tells me to fuck right off, an' I punched her inna face.”

“And that’s how the fight started,” Blake said.

Raven blew her nose on Yang’s jacket and straightened up. “Bastard,” she said, wiping her eyes and nose. “Jus' trying to be friendly for once in my life, and he starts giving me some shit…I oughta kill you!” she shouted. 

Qrow tried to get out of his seat; Ruby stopped him. “Yeah? Then bring your Spring Maideny ass over here, sis! I’ll send ya to Salem on a shutter!”

Yang managed to grab her mother; Raven could’ve easily gotten out of her grasp, easily flattened Mantle with her Maiden powers, but she was too drunk to even stand. Instead, she slid further down, muttering something about stupid Qrow and stupid Salem and stupid Ozpin and stupid Summer.

Weiss turned to Penny, who looked very, very confused. “I thought you said that there were two Grimm birds that did this.”

“Well…I just assumed…I mean, there _were_ birds…there were two birds...” Penny stammered.

Qrow suddenly managed to stand. “That’s because we’re _birds!”_ he yelled. Then he fell to the floor. “We’re birds…” he mumbled.

Penny, perplexed, looked at Ruby. Ruby looked back, embarrassed. “Uh, yeah. Uncle Qrow and Raven—“

“Auntie Raven!” Raven insisted loudly from her sitting position.

Ruby pretended not to notice. “Well, anyway—they can turn into birds.” She had realized it was her uncle and sort-of aunt as soon as Qrow admitted they'd been fighting. As crows, they _would_ look like Grimm, especially since both had red eyes in their corvid form. 

Blake’s eyebrows went up at that, and Ruby and Yang remembered that the Faunus didn’t know about the Branwens’ secret. “Like a curse?”

“Nah, anytime we want,” Raven replied instead. 

“It’s _horrible,”_ Qrow moaned.

“More like fuckin’ awesome!” his sister exclaimed. “Woo-hoo! We’re fuckin’ _birds!”_ She threw both arms in the air and passed out.

Penny stood there, her CPU clearly processing the situation. She then gave a short nod to Ruby and smiled. “I am very confused!” she proclaimed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A drunken, angry Qrow is bad enough. A drunken, angry Spring Maiden would be a force of nature. Though it seems Raven is a crying drunk.


	29. Love Bites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer Rose is ready for her final confrontation with Salem. But the witch has a secret...and it's the one thing Summer can't fight. 
> 
> Nor does she want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm coming to the end on this one, it's time to get back to the classics. Other than the lame "Salem's Lot" pun I made earlier, I realized I haven't included that staple of Halloween lore, the vampire. At first, I thought about throwing some White Rose or Bumblebee in the mix, with Yang or Ruby acting as Count Dracula and Weiss or Blake as Van Helsing. But then I remembered the wonderful fanart Nonsuch did of that very thing, and changed things around a bit.

Summer Rose stood in front of Evernight Castle. Thunder rolled, and lightning flashed. Behind her lay the slowly fading bodies of a Grimm horde…one that had proven no match for her Huntress skills and her silver eyes. She was tired, exhausted, and low on Aura, but she was close to her quarry. It would not be long until she reached Salem the Witch.

The doors to the castle creaked open, an invitation. Summer nodded: Salem knew she was coming. She stepped through the doors, which slammed shut behind her. _That’s a bit melodramatic,_ she thought, as she continued on. 

Summer walked through the castle at an even pace, her weapon, Crescent Moon, in its rifle form. Loaded in its magazine were her last Dust shells, a combination of fire and gravity. She had to hope those would work. Salem was unkillable, according to Ozpin; death was no more than a bothersome inconvenience to her. Summer had replied that maybe that was because no one had tried hard enough. If nothing else, she was going to give that healing factor something to work on. As she walked through the dark, silent passageways, she was not scared, only wary. Summer knew she had to have confidence, or she was defeated before the battle truly began. 

It was not hard to find Salem’s throne room. Summer suspected she was being herded: some doors were open; others were locked, and solid enough that she didn’t feel like expending the energy to break them down. She had a bad feeling that was deliberate.

Finally, she reached the throne room. These doors were closed, and she thought about being a bit melodramatic herself by kicking them in. Instead, she grabbed Salem's big knockers on the door and shoved them open, and strode in like she owned the place. She half-expected to be attacked immediately by another gang of Grimm, but instead, there was just Salem, lounging in her throne, a glass of wine in her hand. “Greetings, Summer Rose.” She was dressed in black from her breasts to her feet, leaving her alabaster shoulders bare, her white hair falling in waves to her back.

“Salem.” Summer stopped halfway to the throne. It was on a raised dais, a window that showed the shattered moon behind it, giving the throne a halo-like effect. There was no other furniture in the room. Summer raised her weapon, but held her fire for the moment. She had a feeling Salem was going to monologue, and planned to shoot her in the face when she got about a third of the way through her speech.

The witch took a drink of wine, then reached out a hand. Another bottle of wine floated over to her, and she refilled the glass. Behind her, the doors closed with a thump. Summer knew she was now trapped in here with the Queen of the Grimm, but that was what she was here for. She was not afraid. Concerned, maybe, but not afraid. Salem took another drink, then raised the bottle. “I’m sorry…did you want something? You must be thirsty.”

“I’m fine,” Summer replied. The wine would be poisoned. 

“Suit yourself.” Salem finished the glass and set it aside. “I suppose you’re waiting for me to monologue.”

“That’s what you evil witches normally do, right?”

Salem shrugged. “It is sort of expected, isn’t it? But I’ve never been much for monologuing, really. It’s a waste of time.”

“I agree.” Summer readied her weapon. Gravity first; Salem wouldn’t be expecting it. “So let’s go. I’m your huckleberry.”

“Ah. Before you attack me, Summer Rose…first, you must best my champion. Once you have dealt with him, then you will face me.” Salem raised her right hand. “I swear I will in no way interfere with your combat. It is simply for my amusement.”

_What an asshole,_ Summer thought. She fought down a snicker; that sounded like a Branwen thing to say. “Okay, fair enough. Bring out your boy. After I blow him away, you’re next.”

“Very well, then.” Salem clapped her hands. A man came out from behind her throne…slowly, almost as if he was fighting the summons, but was compelled to obey. He was tall, blonde, muscular, and pale—more pale than normal human beings. 

He was also Taiyang Xiao Long, her husband.

Summer involuntarily lowered her rifle. “No…it can’t be…no…”

Salem laughed, throwing her head back, exposing glittering fangs. “Yes, Summer, it is. He came here before you, it seems. Your husband wanted to help you slay me. But I got to him first, and turned him. He’s my thrall now. You must fight him, first...assuming, of course, that you still _want_ to fight.”

Tai’s eyes were full of pain, even as he continued to shamble forward. She noticed he was dressed only in a ragged loincloth—Salem’s idea of a joke, undoubtedly. “I’m…I’m sorry, Summer,” he struggled out.

“You bitch!” Summer screamed. 

Salem only laughed again. “I won’t deny it.” She spread her hands wide, grinning at her. “Take your shot, Huntress. You’ve got me dead bang.”

Summer raised the rifle back up, aimed…and found she could not see well through the sight. She blinked, but something was wrong. Crescent Moon suddenly felt very heavy, too heavy to lift. Despite her best efforts, the muzzle drooped until it was pointing at the floor. Tai continued to advance towards her, though he wasn’t blocking the shot on Salem. The witch’s grin widened to devilish proportions. “Can’t fire, Summer? Do you even want to?”

Summer felt like her head was suddenly swimming. She began to tremble. “What’s…what’s happening…”

Salem licked her lips. “You little fool. I’ve been weaving a spell since you walked into my castle, like a fly into a spider’s web. A spell of desire. Not for me, of course, but for your dear, dear husband. Or…at least what _used_ to be Taiyang Xiao Long, until I turned him into a creature of the night, like myself.”

“But…you’re a witch…” Summer was having trouble keeping her footing. She tried not to look at Tai, who was getting closer and closer. “You’re not…a…a…a vampire…”

Salem cackled. “Is there a rule saying I can’t be both? I am _undead,_ Summer. And soon…you will be too.” She sat back down in her throne as Crescent Moon clattered to the throne room floor, forgotten. “You may take her, Taiyang.”

Tai grabbed Summer by the shoulders; she could no longer resist. Her silver eyes met his blue ones, and she was lost. She wanted nothing more than this man. His lips peeled back, exposing fangs, and Summer found she wanted those fangs to penetrate her. She reached up and pulled back her high collar, exposing her neck. Tai bent down, and as she felt two points of fire enter, she moaned—

“Mommy?”

Summer awoke with a gasp, and bolted upright from the bed. Next to her, Taiyang slept, though he was starting to wake up as well. She blinked, focusing her eyes in the darkness, and saw that the bedroom door was open. In the doorway stood Yang, in her footie pajamas with a unicorn on the front, her blonde hair in its usual disarray, a stuffed kitten clutched to her chest. “Mommy?” she repeated.

Summer wiped her eyes. “Yes, Yang? What is it, honey?”

“I…I had a bad dream.” Yang took a tentative step into the bedroom. “Mommy, are _you_ okay? You sounded like you were having a bad dream too!”

She smiled at Yang. “Yes, Yang, I _was_ having a bad dream. I’m glad you woke me up.” _Kind of,_ Summer added to herself. Actually, the dream had been getting pretty damn good. Still, she got out of bed and padded over to her adopted daughter. Tai finally woke up all the way. “What’s going on?”

“Yang had a bad dream.” They heard some sniffling from the other room, then another cry for Mama. “Oh, sh—er, darn it,” Summer said. “We woke up Ruby.” 

“I’m sorry, Mommy,” Yang said, twisting the kitty’s ears. “I didn’t mean to wake up the baby too.”

Summer kissed Yang on the forehead. “It’s okay.” To Tai, she said, “I’ll take care of Ruby, if you don’t mind taking care of Yang.”

“Sure thing.” Tai walked over to Yang and picked her up in his strong arms. “What’s wrong, Little Sun Dragon? Some Grimm try to get you?” Yang nodded sadly. “Well, no Grimm is going to hurt you, ever. Not with your Mommy and Daddy here. Okay?”

“Okay,” Yang replied. She didn’t sound convinced. 

“How about I read you a quick story?”

She brightened at that. “Sure, Daddy!”

“Okay, pumpkin. A story it is.”

Summer was waiting for Tai after he quietly slipped back into their bedroom. “Well, Yang’s asleep,” he told her. “Didn’t even get halfway through the story of the Lady in the Tower. How’s Ruby?”

“She felt right back asleep as soon as I started rocking her. She’s in her crib.”

“That’s good.” He came back and sat down next to her. Ruby was not quite a year old, barely to the speaking stage, where she could say mommy, daddy and cookie, and that was about it. Yang was three, and rambunctious as everything. Summer was surprised Tai had gotten her back to sleep so quickly, but he seemed to have a magic touch there. He put an arm around her. She noticed he was wearing just his boxers, which sent her heart hammering. “Did you really have a bad dream too? I thought I heard something before Yang came in.”

Summer blushed. “Well, funny you should mention the Lady in the Tower,” she said. “I was dreaming of Salem…and you.”

Tai’s smile faded. “Not sure how I feel about that.”

Summer smiled. “Well, it wasn’t that bad. Seems she turned you into a vampire, and made you seduce me. You were just biting into my neck when Yang woke me up.”

His smile came back, sly and inviting. “Oh really?” He kissed her. “Salem doesn’t have to _make_ me seduce you. I’ll do that voluntarily.”

Summer laughed softly. “Well, then. If you don’t mind locking the door, we can pick up where we left off.” She took off her robe and opened up the collar of her pajamas, exposing her throat. “Take me, Tai! Ravish me! Drink of my blood!”

“I don’t think I’ll go _that_ far,” Tai said, getting up and walking to the door. “But I like that first part.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summer and Tai are so much fun to write.


	30. Penny Unbound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny Polendina is spending the night in a sleepover with Team RWBY. But an accident causes her systems to go haywire, and Penny can't control herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're familiar with the original work by Shelley, you know what the parody is this time.
> 
> This is sort of based on my "Love Hurts" fanfic series, but you don't have to have read any of those to read this.

In theory, Penny Polendina didn’t need to sleep. She would shut down occasionally to let her internal system purged bad or outdated files, and do system updates as needed, when she was “home” at Pietro Polendina’s shop. Even then, she was aware of her surroundings, and could quickly reactivate as necessary. Still, she did sleep when she could, as she found that it helped her keep a routine, as well as made her feel more human. She found that sleeping—or at least resting with her eyes closed—helped her think about the events of the day, and how best to process them.

And, of course, she did sleep when she had sleepovers with Team RWBY. 

Despite everything that had happened on the long road from Beacon to Atlas, Team RWBY was still rather young; none of them were older than 20. Now that they had some time off, there were opportunities to do some teenage things they’d missed out on, like sleepovers and hanging out. And painting their nails and talking about cute boys. Penny’s nails were a hard polymer, but she still had fun, and if she didn’t know any cute boys, really, neither did Team RWBY. (There was Oscar, Jaune and Whitley Schnee, but none of the girls wanted to admit to relationships—not even Penny, who was not sure how well Weiss would take that her little brother was dating a robot.) She did refrain from joining in the pillow fight, though she dearly wanted to, but there was the fear that she would swing a pillow too hard and snap someone’s neck. That hadn’t stopped Yang from hitting Penny in the face, hard enough to knock the android to the floor; she’d actually been swinging at Blake, so it was an accident.

Finally, when Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang were tired enough to sleep, they shut the lights off. Penny closed her eyes with a smile, snuggled into her sleeping bag and pillow, and thought that life was pretty darn good.

Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. _That’s strange,_ she thought. _I’m not supposed to “awaken” for another few hours._ She checked her internal clock; she had been “asleep” for about an hour. _Wait…something else is wrong. I can’t seem to move._

Penny quickly ran a diagnostic on herself. She had several damaged files. _Oh no. Did I get a virus or something? I’ll need to do a systems reboot._ That was not that big of a deal; essentially, she would just go back to sleep. Her internal system would repair the files, and she would be good as new. 

SYSTEM SHUTDOWN FAILED

_Oh dear,_ Penny thought. The damage must be worse than she thought. Still, it was not an insurmountable problem. She would merely get up, gently wake up one of Team RWBY, and have them press the restart button on her neck, which was (somewhat) cleverly disguised as the centerpiece of her ribbon. (It wasn't all that clever of a disguise, but most people didn't notice.) She had changed into pajamas, but kept the ribbon. Nothing to worry about.

Penny sat up, but it was very stiffly: her body more or less just folded in the middle. She raised her hands, but instead both entire arm assemblies raised in front of her. _Oh my,_ Penny thought, _the damaged files are in my motive system._ _I can’t move very well._ Slowly, she managed to get to her feet, but it took several tries just to get her knees to bend properly. Finally, she was completely upright, but her movements were extremely stiff. It was like she had reverted to being a very primitive robot. _This won’t do,_ she considered. _My higher cognitive functions are intact, anyway. I’ll simply call out to Ruby, and walk her through my reboot procedures. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Nothing bad will happen._

“Ruby!” she called out, loudly. In horror, Penny realized that she had not actually said her best friend’s name. Instead, it had come out as a growl. _Oh oh. My speech center has been damaged as well._ She tried again. “RRRRRRR!” _Well, that’s not right at all._

Despite Penny sounding like a mechanical, pissed-off bear, it did have the desired effect of waking up Ruby. The reaper blinked, opened her eyes, and saw Penny’s green eyes glowing in the darkness of the dorm room. “Oh, hey, Penny,” Ruby yawned. “Wassup?”

Penny tried again to form words, and failed. “RRRRRR!” Frantically, she raised both arms to try and let Ruby know something was wrong, but they were still locked in place, and just raised rather robotically. 

Ruby suddenly was very awake. “ _Gahhh!”_ she screamed. _"Mad robot!"_

That instantly woke Blake and Weiss; Yang continued to snore away. “Ruby, what in the name of—“ Weiss began, but then she saw Penny as well. “Holy schneet!”

Blake rolled out of bed in a fighting stance. “What’s wrong with Penny?” she yelled.

“How should I know?” Ruby exclaimed. “I think she's gone crazy!"

Finally, Yang woke up, partially. “What th’ hell…Rubes, quit screamin’…” Then she spotted Penny, who was trying to walk forward. Both knees failed their programming, leaving her with stiffened legs; all she could achieve was a shuffle. “Huh,” Yang mumbled sleepily, “Penny’s a zombie.” That snapped her completely awake. “Oh shit! Penny’s a zombie!”

_No, no!_ Penny wanted to scream. _I’m just dealing with a lot of problems right now!_

“She’s reverted back to her base programming as a warbot!” Ruby screamed. “She’s only programmed to destroy!” 

“Rrrr,” Penny said, which, had she been able to talk, would have been to tell Ruby she was very wrong and had no idea what she was talking about.

“We have to get to our weapons,” Blake said. “If Penny’s gone berserk—“

“We can’t!” Ruby begged, jumping out of her bunk. “We can’t, Blake! I’m not going to watch Penny die again!”

_I’m not gonna die, you idiot!_ Penny thought, then realized that her politeness subroutine had either failed or simply was overworked by Ruby’s foolishness. Then again, Penny considered, were the situation reversed, she would’ve probably thought the same thing. 

Weiss stumbled out of bed, wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Hold on a minute,” she said. “Something’s wrong with Penny—“

“Duh, Weiss!” Yang yelled.

“—but we can shut her down and do a reboot!”

Ruby wasn’t listening. Bravely, if not using a lot of common sense, she ran up to Penny and grabbed the android by her cheeks. “Penny! Penny, you’re my BFF! I know you’re in there somewhere! Fight it, Penny! You don’t want to kill!” Blake used the distraction to slip past and run to the weapons rack, where she pulled out Gambol Shroud with one hand, and tossed one of the Ember Celica gauntlets to Yang with the other. Yang was now out of the bed, nimbly dropping to the floor as she strapped the gauntlet to her left wrist.

Penny realized that it was spiraling out of control. She grabbed Ruby by the shoulders, in what she thought was a reassuring fashion. Instead, it looked far worse than that. “ _Eeek!”_ Ruby screamed. “She’s got me! She can’t resist her programming!”

“Get out of there, Ruby!” Yang told her. She stepped back and raised her arm. “I don’t know if my shells are going to penetrate her armor!”

“My gun definitely won’t!” Blake said. She had it raised, but couldn’t fire without hitting Ruby. “Weiss, do you have electricity Dust loaded in Myrtenaster? Maybe we can short her out!”

“Yes, but hold on a moment!” Bravely, Weiss stepped forward. “Penny, can you communicate at all?”

On the verge of the computerized version of panic—she wasn’t sure if Ember Celica’s shells _could_ penetrate her armor, but if Yang did manage to get through, she would activate Penny’s automatic defense systems. Those files were perfectly fine, and then she _might_ go berserk. Or, worst case scenario, it would activate her self-destruct, which no one outside Pietro knew she had. The explosion would kill everyone on the floor and level the dorm. The solution popped into Penny’s CPU, and she started blinking. 

“Oh shit!” Ruby shouted. In her panic, she hadn’t realized that Penny didn’t have that much of a hold on her, and could’ve slipped free. “Her eye lasers are going to activate!”

Weiss almost told Blake to throw her Myrtenaster, but then noticed there was a pattern to Penny’s blinking. “Hold on! She’s trying to tell us something.” Weiss narrowed her eyes, trying to read it. The android was blinking a little fast, afraid that it would activate her eyebeams. “No…kill…I...reboot…button…ribbon. Oh,” Weiss realized. Carefully, afraid she was doing something that would get them all killed, she reached out and pressed the button in Penny’s neck ribbon. She held it down for a few seconds, and Penny’s eyes dimmed, then went dark. Her body did not go slack, but remained stiff.

Ruby got herself loose (which was not terribly difficult), tears in her eyes. “Oh gods, Weiss. We didn’t kill her, did we?”

“I don’t think so.” Weiss’ finger hovered over the button.

“Wait a minute,” Blake said, lowering Gambol Shroud, “you mean to tell me that the solution is literally to turn Penny off and then on again? Do we even know _how_ to turn her on?”

“Take her on a date and find out,” Yang quipped. Blake turned a glare on her lover that was not unlike Penny’s lasers. 

“I’m guessing we just press the button again.” Weiss watched the wall chronometer, and counted off about thirty seconds. Then she pressed the button again. By that time, Ruby had retrieved Crescent Rose, in its rifle form, tears drifting down her face as she was afraid she would have to open fire.

Nothing happened at first, then Penny’s eyes gradually turned green. She blinked twice, then smiled. “Salutations!”

Team RWBY let out a collective breath. Ruby tossed Crescent Rose on her bunk and hugged Penny. “You’re okay!”

“I believe so,” Penny said. She was quiet for a moment. “Yes, I am. I think,” she corrected herself with a hiccup. “I am so sorry, Team RWBY. I think when Yang hit me with the pillow, it may have damaged a number of files, causing a cascade. I lost my advanced motor functions and speech center.”

Yang put a hand on Penny’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Penny. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength with this arm.” She flexed the artificial one.

“That is because you engage your arm before your brain.” Penny blinked again. “Oh dear. It would appear that my files have not completely repaired themselves.”

“Not completely repaired themselves?” Ruby repeated. “Are you going to go berserk again?”

Penny laughed. “That is not possible, you silly bitch.” She shook her head. “I mean…wow, you’re dumb. I can’t believe you thought I had gone berserk.” Penny looked at Ruby, her expression one of utter shock. “I’m sorry, Ruby. I don’t know what I’m saying.” 

Ruby looked ready to cry again. “P-Penny?”

“It’s okay, Ruby,” Yang said. “She can’t control herself right now.”

“That is true. And you would know all about not being able to control yourself.” Penny slapped her hands over her mouth, shaking her head. She looked to Blake for help, but then “Your new hairstyle looks stupid” slipped out. Blake's ears flattened back.

“I think she’s going to have to go see Pietro,” Weiss observed.

“No shit,” Penny replied. Her embarrassment subroutine activated and she turned red. “I will leave immediately, unless you want to state the obvious anymore.” She began to take off her pajamas, but then left them alone; there was no telling what that might cause her to say. She tried to ask them for forgiveness with her eyes, then walked to the door. 

It opened before she reached it; gathered at the entrance was Team JNR. “We heard yelling,” Jaune said. “Everything okay?”

Penny’s arm came up, and she pointed at each of Team JNR in turn. “Fuck you, fuck you, you’re okay.” The last was directed at Ren.

“Oh yeah?” Nora snarled. “Well, fuck _you_ , Penny!” She looked like she was about to punch the android, which might land them right back at square one.

“Please, Nora!” Penny begged. “I’ve temporarily lost control of parts of my fucking speech programming, so I can’t fucking control what shit comes out of my fucking mouth! Now I have to fucking fly down to my mad scientist dad to get my fucking head on straight.” She stomped towards the window at the end of the hallway and opened it. “Fuck this shit! I damn well hate being a fucking robot!” Penny proclaimed and flew out of sight. 

“Well,” Ren said. “That was different.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Penny. Sometimes it's rough being an artificial life form.
> 
> Whew! One more to go, tomorrow night. I already know what I'm writing for that one, and I think you're going to get a good laugh.


	31. Good Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linus van Pelt is determined that, this year, he's going to see the Great Pumpkin. He's picked the most sincere pumpkin patch around, and this time it just has to work. When something *does* rise from the pumpkin patch, he's sure he has succeeded.
> 
> Though the Great Pumpkin is feminine, and her skin's rather pale...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Here we are, day 31, Halloween! I honestly wasn't sure I could pull this off, and there were a few days I thought I was going to have to skip a day or two. But here we are. I couldn't have done it without you folks supporting me, giving me ideas, and the encouragement of reviews. 
> 
> I'd actually planned this "ending" for this fic from day 1, and it was fun to write. Happy Halloween, everyone!

“I’m glad you came back, Sally,” Linus van Pelt said to Sally Brown. “Once you’ll sit here in this pumpkin patch, you’ll see the Great Pumpkin with your own eyes.” He opened his eyes wide to make his point. 

Sally looked around. She didn’t see anything. “If you try to hold my hand, I’ll slug you,” she warned—though, in truth, Sally _wanted_ Linus to hold her hand, very much.

Linus nodded hastily; he did not want to be Sally’s sweet baboo. “Each year,” he said, “the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. “ Suddenly he seemed on the verge of panic. “He’s got to pick this one! He’s _got_ to!” He turned to Sally for reassurance. “I don’t see how a pumpkin patch could be more sincere than this one.” Her answering smile calmed him down. “You can look all around and there’s not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.” Sally had to give him that: it _was_ a beautiful night, with the Milky Way shining above them, and the pumpkin patch outside their neighborhood rather pleasant. 

It was quiet for a long time, except for the distant noises of trick or treaters, but suddenly there was a rustling in the patch. Linus froze. “Is it? Is it the Great Pumpkin?” Light erupted from the center of the pumpkin patch, a purple glow. A form coalesced out of the purple. Linus’ heart was racing. He pointed. “It’s the Great Pumpkin! He’s rising out of the pumpkin patch!”

Sally peered closer, unsure exactly what she was seeing. “Um, Linus? Are you sure the Great Pumpkin is a he?”

Linus’ head was swimming, and he held onto the pumpkin in front of him, trying not to pass out. “Of course the Great Pumpkin is a he!” Then he thought about it for a moment. “I think…”

The form solidified into a human shape—one very feminine, with hair braided into a halo with six branches, skin the color of snow, black veins against the white. Red eyes against black stared at the two children, then gazed around the pumpkin patch. “This doesn’t look like Atlas,” she said.

“Ahh!” Sally screamed. “It’s some weirdo!” She turned and fled as the woman glided forward through the patch. She stopped in front of Linus, who gamely held his ground. He stared up at her. He was still shy of his ninth birthday, but while Linus still might think of girls being kind of strange creatures, he knew this one was quite beautiful…if stranger than most. “Hello,” he said, putting out a hand. “Are you the Great Pumpkin? I admit you’re not what I expected.”

She bent over to look at the boy’s face. “Great Pumpkin? Is that some sort of strange title?”

“The Great Pumpkin rises from the most sincere pumpkin patch every Halloween, and flies around, giving toys to all the good boys and girls,” Linus told her. 

She knelt next to him, an expression of confusion on her face. “I’m afraid not,” she said. “My name is Salem. Where am I?”

Linus sighed. Denied again. It was enough to shake one’s faith in the Great Pumpkin. “Um…you’re in Sebastopol, California.”

Salem looked even more confused. “Sebastopol? California?” She slammed a hand down on the pumpkin. “Dammit! I must have messed up the dimensional spell somehow.” She rubbed her chin in thought. “Let’s see…was it klaatu, nikto, barada, or abracapocus? I can never remember these things.” She sat down, leaning next to the pumpkin, and sighed heavily. “I wish things would go right, just once. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

Linus wasn’t sure what to do. This Salem person was pretty scary to look at, but she seemed nice enough. In fact, she seemed kind of sad. He smiled. “You sound like my friend Charlie Brown.”

“Charlie Brown?” Salem asked. 

“Nothing ever seems to go right for him, either.” 

Salem got up and stretched. “Well…I suppose I should look around some. I’ve never heard of this realm called Sebastopol, but perhaps there is something here I can use.” She smiled at Linus. He reminded her of her own children, long ago. “What was your name, child?”

“Linus van Pelt.”

“Ah. Tell me, Linus van Pelt, do you know of any Relics in your realm?”

Linus shook his head. “No, not here. You might try in San Francisco, south of here, about 40 miles or so.”

“Thank you.” 

“Miss Salem, are you lost?” Linus asked.

“I suppose I am,” Salem admitted.

He pointed towards a house. “That’s Violet’s house. Her parents have a phone you can use.”

“A…phone?” She thought a moment. “Oh yes. Like a Scroll. Certainly. Thank you, Linus van Pelt.” She held out a hand. “Would you like to accompany me to this Violet’s house?”

He shook his head. Salem might seem all right, but she was still a stranger. “No, that’s all right. I want to wait here for the Great Pumpkin.”

“I see. Well, best of luck to you.” She bowed politely and strode off. _A kind, intelligent child. Awfully young…but he shows potential._

Salem walked out of the pumpkin patch and went towards the house Linus had indicated. If she could use the phone, she could also find out _when_ she was; it was possible she had botched her dimension door spell so badly she had been tossed through time as well as dimensions. This was a low-mana world, she could tell; she could probably still manage a few spells, but nothing earthshaking. She could set a house or two on fire, but probably not level the neighborhood. 

She found herself a little turned around in the unfamiliar surroundings, and ended up in someone’s backyard. Salem heard voices, and melted back into the darkness. She did not need to be discovered just yet. “Hey, Charlie Brown!” one of the voices, a girl’s, called out. “I’ve got a football! How about practicing a few placekicks? I’ll hold the ball, and you come running and kick it!” _Charlie Brown?_ Salem thought. _He was the one Linus van Pelt mentioned was like me, in that nothing ever goes right._

“Oh, brother,” a male voice replied—Charlie Brown, Salem assumed. “I don’t mind your dishonesty half as much as I mind your opinion of me. You must think I’m stupid.”

“Oh, come on, Charlie Brown.”

“No!”

“I’ll hold it steady!” the girl insisted.

“No.”

“Please?”

“You just want me to come running up to kick that ball, so you can pull it away and see me land flat on my back and kill myself!”

“This time it’s different!” the girl said. “It’s night out, Charlie Brown. I would never do that to you in the dark.”

“Well…” Charlie Brown appeared to consider it. “Okay. I guess you wouldn’t do that to me in the dark.” Salem peered out of the shadows. A short, round-headed kid was backing up, a look of sheer determination on his face. A young girl, dressed in a blue skirt and blouse, was smiling at him. Salem had been around humans (and Faunus) for thousands of years, and knew a lying face when she saw one. Still, she watched as the boy ran for all he was worth. As he planted his foot to kick the oblong ball, the girl suddenly pulled it away. Charlie Brown’s feet went out from under him, he slipped, screamed, and landed hard on his back. The girl grinned down at him.

Salem was outraged. While she was in the business of evil herself, she did not like, and would not abide, casual cruelty—unless she ordered it herself, of course. Enraged, she stepped from the shadows, and flung out her hand. The girl was raised off her feet, held in the grip of an invisible hand. Teeth bared, Salem stalked forward. “You little bitch!” she growled. “I’m a force of pure evil, and that was too far even for me!” She drew close to the terrified girl. “What is your name?”

“L-Lucy,” the girl stammered.

“Lucy.” Salem pointed down at Charlie Brown, still on the ground, now too scared to move at the tal apparition that had come out of nowhere. “That boy there trusted you. I assume from his earlier comments that you have done this to him many times?” Red eyes turned on Charlie Brown. “Has she?” He nodded, too frightened to speak. Salem turned back to Lucy. “What have you to say for yourself? You cruel little child! What is _wrong_ with you?”

“I blame society!” Lucy exclaimed.

“Bah!” Salem snarled. “I come from a world far worse than this ever thought of being, and no one I know would do something like this!” Mentally, Salem corrected herself: Tyrian Callows probably would. Cinder Fall as well; in fact, this Lucy reminded her of the Fall Maiden all too much. “You listen to me, Lucy. You _ever_ do that to Charlie Brown again, and I will return and reduce you to protoplasmic slime! I guarantee that it _will hurt!_ Am I understood?” Lucy quickly nodded. “ _Say it!”_ Salem tightened her fists, and Lucy felt like someone was trying to tear her apart.

“I’ll never it do it again! I swear!” she begged.

“Good.” Salem flung Lucy away to land in the grass. She bent down and helped Charlie Brown to his feet. “Are you quite all right?”

“Uh…” He backed away from her.

Salem paused, then nodded. “I suppose my appearance must be frightening, Charlie Brown, but I assure you I mean no harm. I would like to use the telephone at Violet’s house. Am I to assume I’m in the right place?”

“Um, yes.” He pointed to the house. “That’s it there.”

“Splendid.” She shook hands with him, and smiled. “Don’t let the world get you down, Charlie Brown. I too know what it is like to fail often. I have been cursed by the very gods, engaged by armies, and destroyed many times. But I have overcome those odds and become an immortal magic-user that the world fears. Take courage, Charlie Brown. If the world doesn't love you, teach it to fear you instead." She winked and walked away, but not before making a _I’m watching you_ gesture towards Lucy.

Charlie Brown looked at his hands. “Yeah,” he whispered. “She’s right.” He clenched his fists, determination returning to his face. 

And he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great. Charlie Brown, set on the path of darkness by Salem herself.
> 
> Originally, I had wrote an ending where Snoopy came back with Salem, but Snoopy is too good a dog to help the Queen of the Grimm, so I left it with Charlie Brown turning to the dark side. It seemed appropriate enough for Halloween. (Forgive me, Charles Schultz.) According to the Peanuts Wiki, the comic strip did actually take place in Sebastopol, California.
> 
> So that's it for "31 Days of RWBY Halloween." I'll keep work on "On RWBY Wings," of course, but it might be a week or two before I get back to "Love Hurts." I want to see how everything goes next week, with the election and more importantly, the premiere of RWBY Season 8. I have *my* priorities straight, you see.


End file.
